You Better Watch Out For The FANGORIA Santa Box!

Fangoria has announced that they will be putting out a limited edition holiday horror box set. It's only $20, so if you're going to buy something for your significant other, check this mess out. You can search for Fangoria online and find this, I'm not linking them since they aren't paying me. But they sure know how to get my $20, that's for sure.

Season’s Bleedings, FANGORIA Fans! Though Halloween feels as if it was just yesterday, FANGORIA knows that even the naughtiest fright fans have their minds set on how to celebrate their horrifying Holiday Season. Well, don’t fret horror hounds, as we are calling on our eerie elves to put together the FANGORIA Santa Box!

Now available for pre-order, FANGORIA is assembling a wealth of gruesome goodies from around the world of horror, offering a mystery box that is much more than just a sinister stocking stuffer! What could be in your FANGORIA Santa Box? While we wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise in full, you could find magazines, music, exclusive toys, games, collectibles, films and much, much more!

The 5 Best Damn Horror Movies For Christmas

In 2010, when I was still writing like a mad man and trying to get myself out of another bout with depression I wrote about the Top 5 Christmas horror movies, and it was received well enough. People thought I was wrong and people thought I was right. You could read that post right here, but today is not about the past it’s about the present and the future. It’s with that in mind that I’m going to drop a bomb today, and no I do not mean another bowel movement.

Today, for your consideration, like an episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” is none other than the best damn horror movies for Christmas. Of course these are not for children, and no they aren’t pornographic although Dracula XXX comes highly recommended by me and Ron Jeremy. I think he was in it, I haven't seen it in a long time, not that I'm advocating pornography directly.

So here you go, all 2 of you that still read this site, my picks for the best of the best. If you agree, disagree, or have some comments, let me know what's up.

5. Santa’s Slay

Bill Goldberg plays one hell of a character here. It doesn’t end very well and it takes on a laughable premise, but for the most part, this horror Christmas entry is one that is well worth looking at. I must also admit that the best bit of performance art was had by this former NFL and WCW powerhouse. His match with DDP at WCW’s Halloween Havoc in 1998 is still one of the most impressive feats of professional wrestling, fake or not, they danced in a very grand way. Now that I’ve lost my readers, I can say that this movie is one of the best examples of a movie that wasn’t meant for theaters and still manages to deliver a high production value. The gore is ramped up at times, and the opening sequence alone is star studded and brings out some fun. Santa’s Slay may not be a serious movie, but it most certainly delivers on the horror aspect. It’s fun, not scary, so don’t give me slack.

4. To All A Good Night

The 1970s were a hell of a time for movies. There seemed to be a willingness to be uncensored, and work with the ratings in a much harder way. There was also a great deal of creativity thrown to the box covers of videos. To All A Good Night is one of those movies that slips by a lot of people, but is worth scoping out. It is the story of a group of teenagers that are partying and are being slowly picked off by a maniac in a Santa Claus suit. Pretty basic, and quite a throwback, even if the pacing is a bit on the slow side. But hey, a killer Santa Claus nearly 10 years before the other famed one? Yep.The 1970s produced some sick movies, and this may not be the sickest of all the releases, but it is definitely a good one that many people move over in favor of Christmas Evil, Black Christmas, and even some older options that are just boring as ever.

3. Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall is insane. It has one of my favorite movie posters and really is one of the coolest concepts. A mall closes down and to protect the place, a killer robot is dispatched. This may not be a 100% Christmas tale, but it’s all about shopping or rather Chopping! It features an incredible head explosion before CG started to be everywhere. It’s a good entry into this list and one that is well worth your time to seek out. The next time you’re at the mall, just think about this movie and how you could be next! Remember the Simpsons episode? That was good. I remember the first time I saw this, it was a double feature for me with Sleepaway Camp. The horror movie video boxes were 100 times more intriguing than anything that is seen now. I am definitely a big fan of these things, and wax nostalgic about it too much, or not enough.

2. Gremlins

Horror comedy that isn’t scary? Well Gremlins pushes on a lot of comedic elements, but still maintains a good creep factor that gives you enough of a treat. This is not an all-out onslaught of the senses, and it is not a slasher, but the horror elements, hard drinking, smoking and more makes this one quite compelling. Gremlins fans will be upset that I didn’t put this at #1 but come on, it’s more comedy than it is straight laced horror, right? Whatever. A small town gets hit with crude Gremlins! What’s not to love? This movie is definitely the better of the two releases that bear the name Gremlins. Also, don't confuse this for Critters or Ghoulies. I love Ghoulies though, and remember that one time that they went to college? There's a lot of Critters movies too, they had cool posters.

1. Black Xmas (remake)

There are going to be a lot of people upset about this. No, Silent Night Deadly Night doesn’t get start treatment here. Why? Because Black Xmas came out swinging and completely obliterates the 5 movies that were just awful. The first one had a Santa Claus rape and murder sequence, so it loses on the premise of just being horrendous. Ok, it’s a favorite of mine, but still, this one ramps up the brutality, production, and sound design. A group of sorority girls get stalked by a psycho around Christmas. The ending is brutal as ever, and the sound design makes this one my top pick. It’s a good watch, and eliminates the need to watch many others. If you don't like this one, then it's most likely because it's too brutal. I admit, it  has some moments that will make you cringe, but like Wes Craven reminds, it's only a movie, it's only a movie.

There you have it, Scary Film Reviews best of Christmas. Oh and if you think I’m a hack, I spent 3 consecutive years reviewing only Holiday Horror movies in the month of December, so go back into the archives and see why they aren’t on this list here. Ok, I admit, I am a hack. Pick these up with the appropriate links below and help a brotha out, it’s Christmas!

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out amazon.com, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

Scary Film Review’s 2012 Holiday Wishlist

Every year I post an annual wish list of sorts in hopes of spreading my holiday cheer to anyone that loves horror movies and wants to pick up something for themselves via our links. This year, I’ve made it a point to select a few items that will reflect the nature of this site as well as the 5 readers still commenting and trying to win the prize of the month.

If you purchase any of these from the links I provide, I get a few cents back. It helps me keep writing instead of flipping burgers.

Here is the Scary Film Review’s 2012 Holiday Wishlist



The Walking Dead Board Game – If you’re a fan of the comics, the television show, and just a fan of zombies in general, you have to pick up this game. Hours of fun and excitement can be had with this extreme board game that pits survivors against zombies! Can you survive? Click here to pick up this game and get it delivered in time for the new season.



Stephen King’s Dark Tower Omnibus Hardcover – The comics that were based on Stephen King’s Dark Tower novels is now available in a hardcover edition that delivers nearly 1,000 pages of the original comic series in a hardbound amazing edition. If you are a fan, click here, and pick this up. It’s simply stunning on the inside.

Movies

Aside from the above quick picks, you’ll probably want to pick up some movies right? If you’re still buying Blu Ray and not just streaming, consider my list of the best things to get horror movie fans this year. (Click through the links to purchase them)

Cabin in the Woods Blu Ray – A surprise hit for me, although the ending was a bit, well, you’ll find out.

The Walking Dead Season 2 Limited Edition Gore Head Blu Ray – This collection comes in a nasty gorey head. It’s quite possibly the best release ever put in a limited edition box set.

The Twilight Zone Complete Blu Ray Set – This is the mother of science fiction television and is wonderfully presented in a 24 disc Blu Ray set with more special features than you can throw a stick at.

That’s it. Let me know what you are getting this holiday season, and if you’re going to shop online please visit amazon.com here, and help me keep this site going instead of having to work a normal 9 to 5. Thank you.

More Holiday Movie Madness

Second verse, same as the first, and we're going to round out our year of holiday-themed horror films. So hang on tight as we continue our parade of fright throughout the year.

Memorial Day: 'Memorial Day' (1999)

Now this makes some sense, in a strange way. A holiday that is about honoring the dead would of course result in a movie in which people become dead. On Memorial Day, a group of youths return to the spot where one of their friends died as they partied. Three years later, they find themselves in peril as they are chased down by a masked killer. Grab a beer and a burger and enjoy!

Fourth of July: 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' (1997)

After winning a beauty pageant, a group of friends go out to celebrate. On their return trip, they hit and apparently kill a man, and then dump the corpse into the ocean whilst making a pact to never speak of the incident again. Well, if horror films taught us anything, it's that the past always comes back to haunt and sometimes even kill.

Day of the Dead: 'All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos' (2006)

Go south of the border and celebrate this Mexican holiday with some bottles of Corona and watch this film about a group of American travelers who get stuck in a Mexican ghost town that becomes overrun by zombies on the Day of the Dead. Think of it as “the running of the corpses” rather than the running of the bulls.

Veteran's Day: 'Deathdream' (1972)

You know the story. A veteran returns home after a long and troubling time on the front, twitching and telling stories about how he took out fifteen enemy combatants with plastic spork. The same scenario occurs in 'Deathdream', but instead of telling stories, this veteran sits in a chair all day and then at night attacks people and drinks their blood to stave off decomposition.

Thanksgiving: 'Blood Rage' (1987)

Todd and Terry are twins, sharing all aspects of the other save for one thing: one of them is a murderer. After the brutal murder of a teenager at a drive in, Todd is accused and found guilty and sent away to an asylum. Years later, on Thanksgiving, news arrives that Todd has escaped and in a twist that could be seen a mile away, the killer is not who everyone thought it was.

All Holidays: 'Tales from the Grave, vol. 2: Happy Holidays' (2005)

Sequel to the popular 'Tales from the Grave” series, this film's collection of vignettes cover stories that focus on the holidays, including St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas all in one handy package for anyone who like value with their movie selections.

Remember to leave a comment, to be entered to win a Hellraiser Boxed Set. The winner will be announced at the end of the month.

Scary Movies For Children on Halloween

As we 20-and-30-somethings start to settle down, pursue relationships, and eventually begin families, lots of things in our lives change. The things we enjoyed in our youth, like splatterfest horror films, become a thing of the past as we make concessions for the toddlers that have taken over our lives. You find yourself unable to find a babysitter so you can go out and see the newest installment of the “Saw” franchise or pop in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” into your XBox, but you have a need, no, a burning desire to get your freak-out on. What do you do?

Easy. You find kid-friendly scary films. Sure, there could be drawbacks to sitting down with your kids, but a little fear never hurt anyone, right? Here are five films rated PG-13 and under to consider when you want to scare your kids to sleep (or into behaving).

Poltergeist (1982)

It's a relate-able story: a normal, every day family out in suburbia confront a malevolent force that just can't take a hint that it's not wanted. The film takes the “monster-under-the-bed” and “monster-in-the-closet” childhood frights and runs with them, but producer and co-writer of the film, Steven Spielburg, adds just enough playfulness and family friendliness which is typically unusual in this genre.

Gremlins (1984)

Nothing says lighthearted like having an adorable little mascot critter for this scary comedic franchise. Your kids will fall in love with Gizmo. That is, they see what happens when you feed your sweet, innocent mogwai after midnight or get him wet, spawning the wicked and titular gremlins whose pranks turn deadly.

Arachnophobia (1990)

A cautionary tale about why bringing non-native species home is a bad idea. Spiders are scary in their own right, add in an arachnophobic doctor whose house becomes ground zero for an infestation of a rare and venomous spider, hijinks ensue.

Ghost Busters (1984)

A pioneer of the horror-comedy, Ghostbusters and it's sequel is a classic that caters to all ages. This film about a group of oft-mocked scientists that form a supernatural extermination squad is a pop culture classic that enjoys popularity even among today's youth culture that includes a cartoon-spin off sure to please the kids on Saturday mornings.

The next time you find yourself wanting to initiate junior into the wonderful world of scary films without terrifying them into next week, keep these films in mind!

Remember to leave a comment, to be entered to win a Hellraiser Boxed Set. The winner will be announced at the end of the month.

Holiday Themed Horror Insanity

Halloween, Christmas, even Mother's Day and Father's Day, all easily have horror films centered around them, but what about the other holidays that fill up our calendars? Here are some selections that best suit the more neglected holidays throughout the first part of the year!

New Year's Day: 'Terror Train' (1980)

In the days before the Party Buses, college kids apparently rung in the New Year by hopping on a party train to celebrate. Weird. The story revolves around a prank they committed years before that comes back to haunt them when a Groucho Marx-masked killer hunts them down one by one. "Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped!"

Valentine's Day: 'My Bloody Valentine' (1981)

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day of romance, love, and obligatory chocolates and expensive gifts to represent affection. But what could be more romantic than watching a love story about a man and his love of killing others? Romance comes in many forms, my friends. Some are just not as socially accepted as others.

St. Patrick's Day: 'Leprechaun' (1993)

Assuming you're not too busy drinking green beer, singing Irish drinking songs, or punching strangers on the street for not wearing green, this campy classic about a leprechaun set loose from a trap after ten years to discover his precious pot o' gold has been taken turns into terror as he hunts down any who get in his way from reuniting with his gold – including a young Jennifer Aniston. They're after me lucky charms!

Easter: 'Easter Bunny Kill! Kill! (2006)

The Easter Bunny at the mall is already nightmare fuel enough, what with those soulless eyes and that menacing smile with two razor sharp teeth jutting from it's always-smiling mouth. Take a film where a pair of men abuse a mentally challenged boy get chased by a killer in an Easter bunny mask with power tools? I think I'll forgo the egg hunt, and take up rabbit hunting instead.

Mother's Day: 'Rosemary's Baby' (1968)

What starts as an idyllic glance into the married life of the titular Rosemary and her husband Guy after they move into a creepy Manhattan apartment turns into a nightmare. Rosemary gets pregnant after a bad dream in which a horrible creature makes love to her and nosy demon-serving neighbors help take care of her in order to sacrifice the baby to help her husband's burgeoning career. Only Roman Polanski could make being a mother more horrifying.

Arbor Day: 'The Happening' (2008)

I know what you're thinking. Arbor Day? Seriously? Well, this M. Night Shamaylan film teaches about what happens if you do not respect nature and nature finally gets pissed off enough and fights back. Death by shrubbery is possible, and The Sixth Sense direction shows us how.

Remember to leave a comment, to be entered to win a Hellraiser Boxed Set. The winner will be announced at the end of the month.

5 Boring Horror Movies to Watch

When it comes to watching everything, I am the one and only person that I’ve ever met that takes that to heart. I’ve seen movies starring celebrities you don’t care about, I’ve seen handheld footage of perverse things, including “The Hotty and the Notty”, so when people come up to me and ask for my favorites, I usually start with the worst of the pile. There are a lot of bad movies out there, and I’ve seen most if not all of them. Today, instead of a review, let me tell you 5 boring horror movies to watch and then see if you are one of the chosen few, the few that will watch just about anything.



The Blair Witch Project (1999) – One of the most boring movies to ever be marketed as the scariest film ever has to be this one. This movie was all shot on handhelds, long before shaking the camera became a fad. This movie featured a lot of dialogue, and a lot of suspense, before you got hit with something so boring and menial, that it would become parodied by just about anyone that was in the comedic industry. From the Wayans’s Brothers to Pauly Shore, everyone made fun of this movie, because it was that bad and boring. The sequel is better, but that’s not saying much.



Paranormal Activity (2007) – If you want to write a script of jump scares, go for it, because you can make some serious money. I for one can’t stand these movies, they are fluff, they are boring, they are stupid. Then again, the jump scares are ok, and I’m always down to see a ghost story, but does it have to be so tedious?



A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – When they announced a remake of this cult classic, and they weren’t going to use Robert Englund, I nearly lost it. How could you make a movie without the icon? The guy they cast to play him was sinister, ugly, and made the character stand out, but the movie was so tedious and boring that most people I saw in the theater walked away near the halfway point. This movie has some problems, and despite a polished look, it’s well…boring.



Drag Me To Hell (2009) – Everyone kept telling me how great this one was, and the hype was not and is not good. I don’t like it. It’s a boring, tedious movie that is so predictable it hurts. Sam Raimi is a good director, don’t get me wrong, but this movie was just boring. I didn’t like the CG and I thought the story was just too simple, then again, so are many of the horror movies I revere. It’s not that great, and it’s rated pg-13…no horror movie rated that is worth its salt.



Cursed (2005) – How can Wes Craven screw up his legacy? By making half-assed cash grab with werewolves. This fast paced horror flick is one of the worst examples you can get in regards to wolf movies. I thought for sure this would at least be appealing, it has a good overall cast, and I’m a sucker for a good werewolf pick, but nope, this one is mighty boring. Although, there are some moments worth noting, like Joshua Jackson’s reveal…but I won’t get into that.

The above 5 are still worth checking out, even if they are boring pieces of horror cinema. You might actually like them, but from what I remember, they weren’t that good, and aren’t that good, but if they are on at midnight on a Friday night, I’m fair game.

Remember to leave a comment, to be entered to win a KINDLE FIRE 2. The winner will be announced at the end of the month.

Top 5 Over Rated Horror Genres

Horror movies can be amazing, they can be fun, and they are the basis for this blog and has been for four years running. Despite the fact that I’ve written 600 plus articles, I get no respect and I can’t join the damn Tana drinkers…or even get screeners from major companies like some other less knowledgeable blogs that seem to catch all the breaks. For today’s post, I wanted to look at 5 of the most over rated genres in horror, and after much consideration, I have narrowed them down to a specific few that are just tiresome. You might agree, you might disagree, I don’t really care.

5. Vampires – I am absolutely sick of Vampires, and the whole genre. It has been done to death. It’s been the subject of comedy, horror, gore, sex, and so much more, and guess what? 99.99% of Vampire movies suck and I can’t stand them. Sure, there are a few exceptions, but most often than not, you’ve already seen everything there is to see about the genre. Rocko’s Modern Life had it right, Dracula has been done to death and all iterations have been done to absolute oblivion. Despite the fact that HBO and other companies are banking their lives on this genre, I feel that it’s far overdue to be labeled over rated.

4. Zombies – I’m sick of zombies, and you are too. Admit it! Some might be quick to say that they aren’t, but how many times can you see the living get feasted on by the undead. There have been so many movies and sub-movies and remakes on the genre that it has been completely diluted to a terrible waste of my time. Even though I like the latest and greatest from the genre, it’s over rated, and should not be so popular these days. It really is a tired and boring genre at this point, I’m sorry.

3. British Horror – One of the slowest journeys you’re ever going to take in regards to horror fandom is that of the British horror genre. Sure, they have some movies that people swear by, but for the most part, the British like to keep things moving as slow as my last bowel movement. It’s painful, it’s bloody, and it features some of the worst dental work in the industry ever. The few bright spots are outdone by the constant barrage of terrible ideas come to life.

2. Identity Crisis – I hate this tool for plot points. I hate when a character doesn’t know who they are, or is revealed to be dreaming, or is a villain but has manifested themselves into a different stage of mind. I can’t stand when this cop out happens, and it seems to happen all the time with what some call “classics”. If I see this again in film I’m going to smash my head into my computer.

1. Cabins in the Woods – I am sick and tired of having to read, watch, and listen to the cabin that is in the woods some where far away. Camp horror, cabins, isolated places, and so much more seems to be the basis of some of the worst and most over rated movies. Even the latest film that everyone is talking about has a damn cabin in the middle of the woods…or does it? This tired genre is going to get relit every few years and as I type this they are filming a new Sleepaway Camp movie, so there, it’s not so farfetched to be number one on my list.

There you have it folks, the 5 most over rated genres in horror. I’m going to get back to sleep or whatever it is I do when I’m not writing bad reviews for this website.

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REWIND: Top 5 CHRISTMAS Horror Movies

What? Another Rewind? Yeah, I thought this update was appropriate. We are 2 days away from Christmas, and I haven't had much luck in the way of financial success, forcing me to seriously consider possibly filing for bankruptcy. We'll see if I can get a job in the new year, it's been nearly 3 years since I've had a job that paid more than $5 an hour, but I hope the new year helps. If not, well, I don't know. At least I get to pretend to bee cool for a few minutes every few days with updates on this website. Check out this rewind, and Merry Christmas to Jervaise and all other readers!

I don't do a lot of Top 5 lists, simply because I don't spend a lot of time thinking about horror when it's not time to sit down and review. I know, that's going to stun some people, but it's true. When I think of horror, it's a very specific time and frame of mind, although there are exceptions. I did think about how awesome it would be to do a podcast with jervaise, me and jervaise, oh man, the horror movie podcast world would implode and of course someone would get sued for bashing the British film industry, truth or not.

With the Holidays upon us, and everyone talking about crap, here is my picks for top 5 Holiday Horror Movies of all time!

How The List Was Compiled

Last year around this time I did a whole month of watching just Christmas related horror movies. The year before I did the same thing, but I didn't document it on this site as much. I even spent a lot of time at work watching these movies with my coworkers. We watched so much horror that some of the movies just fell flat, but this year, I started to go back and watch all the Holiday related horror movies that I could. I even purchased some vhs tapes from ebay for the sole reason of watching them for review. I'll review those later, but for now, I compiled my 5 favorites. You might agree, you might disagree, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, because I probably am not going to pick your #1.

I'd also like to mention that I'm NOT putting these in order of best, I'm just randomly throwing out a top 5, so don't go crazy when you don't see your favorite as #1. It's all relative. These are my top 5 holiday horror movies, your list will be different, but hook it up with some comments.

THE TOP 5 CHRISTMAS HORROR MOVIES



5. Black X-Mas 2006 - This film knocked me out when I saw it. It really wasn't all that good on paper. A bunch of random chicks in a dorm house getting knocked off instead of knocked up? I'll buy it, but I'm not liking it unless there's a bit more slashing, and boy did the film live up. It is brutal, and boy is it brutal. I do not throw that term around lightly, as there are some sick death sequences, and the ending is so good so poignant, and so "Christmas" related. I think the final sequences stole a little from Argento's "Suspiria" but whatever, it's still classic. I didn't give this movie a fare shake when it first came out, but once I saw it on dvd, I realized that I missed out on watching it on the big screen.

Speaking of the big screen, I wanted to mention the fact that I do NOT own a big screen, flat screen or anything. I watch movies on my old UHF analog television, which sucks, but when you're broke, you're broke.



4. Chopping Mall - Sure it might not be a full Christmas movie, but what goes synonymously with the holidays as much as Shopping does? I mean, the poster even says it nicely, "Where Shopping Can Cost You An Arm and a Leg". For horror and science fiction fans that hate robots in general and are scared of what they are supposedly going to do in the near future, this is further proof of their rebellion. The premise of this one is simple, a group of idiots want to stay inside the mall after it closes, and when they do, they end up meeting a Robot security guard that goes rogue! There is an awesome head explosion scene at one point and it's just awesome.

It's interesting to note that The Simpsons did a tribute to this notion when Milhouse and Bart go into a mall after it closes and there is a robotic animal loose. Or wait, is it a real animal? I forget. Whatever the case is, there's a little throwback, whether it was intentional or not, that's another story altogether.



3. Santa's Slay - Bill Goldberg vs DDP at WCW's Halloween Havoc is my favorite WCW World Heavyweight title match. That being said, this is my second Bill Golbderg moment. Santa's Slay is an interesting horror movie that is not only rated R, not only straight to dvd, but full of greatness. From the opening segments this film is a hard R and features a lot of gore. It has some great overall kills, Santa does NOT look like an anti-hero, and the ending is so stupid that you'll swear R.L. Stine wrote this crap. It's still worth checking out and it's one of my personal favorites.



2. Child's Play - This interesting piece not only has a great overall supernatural feel, it was one of the first horror movies that I personally kept renting from the Korean video store near my house. I wore out the vhs from renting it so much because I thought it was rad. 20 plus years later it's the #2 Christmas horror movie. This movie features a present gone completely wrong and boy does it go bad. The movie spawned several sequels and it was sick. I know, it's easy to dismiss the killer since it's just a doll, but it's more than that, it's a killer freaking doll with the soul of a....never mind. It's just a good one.

On another side note, remember that evil Krusty doll on the Simpsons? That was great.



1. Silent Night Deadly Night - The number one movie is none other than this one. Since I was a kid, I loved this film, and I loved the gore. I loved every aspect of this film so much that when the sequel came out, I bought it. You have to remember that in the 80's if you bought a vhs tape it was not $9.99 it was $29.99 and it sucked. I bought the second one because the first one didn't get a full release because some parents thought it was too harsh to have Santa Claus looked upon as a villain and a vile villain. The story is about a young boy who witnesses the rape and killing of his parents, and hates Santa Claus. The first of the series is quite good, better than the rest, and has been restored digitally with juxtaposing clips of the old vhs transfer to show you how advanced the dvd truly is.

The film features everything you could want in a horror movie, not just a holiday horror movie. It has gore, it has sex, it has boobs, it has teenagers getting their heads chopped off, and Santa Claus getting punched out. Oh and there's this weird sex scene at one point that is followed up by a nun whipping the crap out of them while screaming "NAUGHTY". I still think it's the greatest Christmas horror movie ever made, but that's just me.

So there you have it folks, a little killer list for you guys to enjoy on this Christmas holiday. If you haven't read my previous holiday themed reviews, you can read them here. If you want to help out this blog you can advertise or you can leave a comment and buy dvd's from the links I provide.

Be sure to let me know what horror and non horror movies you like to watch during the holidays and also if you haven't subscribed via RSS feed, go for it, you might enjoy it better than coming back here all the time.

I'll return with more reviews and more scary stupid crap. I'm going to go and read my Christmas Zombies Comic Book, and that's that.

House of Fallen Review

Every now and again a movie will try to bring the bible to life and will completely lose most of its audience. This is one of those movies, and it completely lost me and I’m a biblical scholar. The movie House of Fallen is supposed to be a movie about or rather loosely based on the Book of Enoch, and wow, it is a slow moving film through stupidity.

I wanted to like this movie, mainly because Corbin Bernsen is in it, and I like him on the show Psych. However, even his acting can’t save this film at all. The movie follows a group of people that start a war with fallen angels, and you get to see it through a thriller/slasher style.

There’s nothing worth noting about this film. It feels like a made for tv film, it is really boring and quite possibly one of the worst attempts at a horror movie I’ve managed to sit through a very long time. I’m not usually put to sleep by the selections I get for this site, but this one did it. I managed to go back and watch it, but wow, what a terrible film.

I don’t recommend this one. I don’t want to talk about it or review it anymore. Just don’t see it, walk away.

Robo Geisha Review

Well, what do you know? I’m back again after a little break to talk more horror movies. I didn’t go to the movie theater and watch anything, because I can’t afford it. My donation button is on the right hand side if you feel generous, otherwise here is another cheap review from the man that brings you bad reviews from time to time. This time around we are focusing on the 2009 film Robo Geisha, yep.

The film opens up in a weird kind of way. We get an odd fight sequence and kidnapping from some sick looking Power Ranger chicks with noses that are obviously dildos. They plow through enemies with hilarious skin and latex effects and then blow (no pun intended) through different pieces while what we can only presume is the “robo geisha’ tries to chop up a senator. As the story goes we see that there is a steel company that is steeling people and turning them into soldiers. Among these are 2 kidnapped Geishas that are sisters and are the future of the assassination group.

The movie then turns into a sappy drama between two sisters that just want to “love” each other. I couldn’t stand these pieces of information. I was bored watching the two-trade sympathy and insults. Even though it was an attempt to humanize an otherwise gore fest, this was odd to me. I didn’t care about the sisters, and I highly doubt anyone in the audience cared either. After these scenes there were some sick moments with chopping people in half, shooting people with guns, stars and other crap. The gore levels weren’t quite as much as the previous 2 films from Noboru Iguchi, but I can’t complain too much.

The gore fest continues throughout the film as an uprising of anti-steel company parents fight to get their children back, only to get killed themselves. As the film continues we get a second plot point and a third, all of which is just tiresome. There is a huge robot that is trying to blow up Mount Fuji at one point, and well, there is an opening for a sequel, that’s where I’ll leave it.

Robo Geisha is an interesting concept, but honestly, I’m tired of these gore movies. The plot was weird, and I didn’t like the constant “sister I love you” type stuff thrown in the mix. I do enjoy the hilarious kill sequences, but the “CG” is getting to be a bit much. I can do without all that, but then again, this is a Japanese B movie and not exactly a contender for the Oscar.

I don’t find this movie scary, but I don’t know if I want to recommend it to everyone. My girlfriend loves it, and still can’t stop raving, but me? I thought it lacked luster in a lot of ways. I didn’t get the same impact I did when I first saw Machine Girl, and that’s what I wanted here. Among the Japanese gore movies, I think Tokyo Gore Police wins out. But I’m sure there’s more to come, as there’s always more to come.

P.S. If you have extra scratch donate. I’m a starving writer.

Scary Film Review Holiday Wish List 2010

It's late in the game and Christmas is nearly non existent at my house due to the financial situation that I am. However, that doesn't stop me from reviewing, writing, and adding items to my amazon wish list. Looking over some of the things that I've added throughout the years, I realize that I forgot to write a post for this years horror movie fans to enjoy. So here we go, my first ever Scary Film Review Holiday Wish List, Guide, and overall piece of crap post detailing what to buy the horror fan in your life.

I am going to be picking up a few things from this list, if my mother sends me a gift card like she did last year, and if not, they'll just go back into the amazon wish list that I have going.

Horror Movie Box Sets



Friday the 13th: The Series Complete Series DVD Set - I absolutely love the Friday the 13th television series, and would stay up late night to watch it followed by a block of Tales from the Crypt and whatever Elvira was showcasing. They finally put the whole thing on dvd and it's now available in a box set of dvd's. I for one have been wanting this set for a while, but haven't got around to getting it. If you like the film series, you might like the television show, which rocks, it's just not as gorey nor as "jason" filled.



Friday The 13th: From Crystal Lake To Manhattan Ultimate DVD Collection Box Set - Another dvd box set featuring Friday the 13th? Yes. Absolutely yes, this is a great box set of the first series of films all the way through one of my personal favorites, Jason Takes Manhattan. Sure, this isn't the complete series of films, but it is enough to get you started on one of the best slasher franchises.



Hammer House of Horror Complete Set VHS - This is going to draw some criticism because I'm recommending that you buy a box set of VHS tapes. This is an amazing collection and one of my favorite gifts ever. This six set of Hammer Horror films are presented in VHS! I love this set, and if you haven't checked out the great House of Hammer, then pick up this vhs set today.



The Ultimate Hammer Collection 21 Disc Box Set Region 2 - For those that have a region free dvd player, you're going to absolutely go nuts for this ultimate box set. 21 discs, Region 2, complete Hammer history box set with booklet, 21 dvd's of horror and so much more. I absolutely love this set and if it ever comes to the states like this, I'd buy it in a heart beat. If you love Hammer Horror and must own all of them, here it is, the ultimate hammer collection set is for you.

Obviously these are just some of the horror box sets that I would want this year, but you might want something different. Whatever it is, make sure you check out amazon online for more ideas in terms of horror movie box sets.

Blu Ray Horror Recommendations



An American Werewolf in London Blu Ray - I reviewed this movie recently and think that there are some great images that should be explored in high definition. It's actually 50% off at the time of this writing so if you're going to buy blu ray get this disc for sure. I would love to hear some of the sounds and the soundtrack of this film in full surround.



John Carpenter's The Thing Blu Ray - The Thing is one of my favorite creepy isolated science fiction horror films. If you haven't seen it recently, go back and watch it again, it's worth while and holds up very well. It has nearly everything you'd want in a scary movie, and well, you get the picture.



High Tension Blu Ray - I'm in the minority here, but I absolutely love this movie. It has one of my favorite cars in a nice chase sequence, it is gorey as hell, and has one of the most intriguing self pleasure scenes that I've seen in horror movies in a long time. I hate the ending, and the premise is a joke after the reveal, but there are some sick scenes and great gore.



Maniac 30th Anniversary Blu Ray - Maniac is back in full high definition. Sure, not a lot of people will remember this one, but I think it is quite good. It's another shining example that slashers were best done 30 years ago, because most recent slashers aren't up to par.

Horror Books

Under The Dome by Stephen King - This thousand some odd page book took me a few weeks to read. It's one of the biggest books that I've read in a long time, and it has some seriously twisted and scary moments. Sure, it gets compared to the Simpsons movie, but it's far better, at least in my view. This book was recently released in paperback but I invested in the preorder hardcover, then sold it...cause I'm an idiot.

Hell House by Richard Matheson - The mother of all Haunted House books, at least in my view. I would recommend this book above most other haunting books and it's surprising that there hasn't been a good adaptation of this book done for film, this one is a great scary read, and I loved every chapter. Although the ending is a bit weak, the build up is awesome and the "know it alls" get theirs in the end or the beginning...whatever. I saw the vhs tape a while back to the adaptation, and it's not nearly as good as the book, and that's just standard when you think of films adapted from books.

Action Figure



Elvira Coffin Action Figure - Oh my goodness, Elvira is one of my favorite horror icons. She was the woman that I wanted to be with when I was a kid and a teenager, and when I started to ask chicks out, I had to ask any girl out that looked anything like Elvira...leading me to get rejected by a lot of women. Well, now here is an amazing action figure, anatomically correct in a night gown, fish nets and a coffin. I love it, you might love it too.

NES 8 Bit Games



Total Recall NES - Many people will remember the classic science fiction film, but do you remember playing the video game? Do you even own a Nintendo system still? Well if you do, you're going to want to pick this one up too, this is Total Recall, the ultimate NES adaptation and well it's a hard game to master, but it's one of my favorite sci-fi 8 bit classics. I'm in the minority on that one.



A Nightmare on Elm Street NES - LJN might be one of the most hated game companies, but I loved playing A Nightmare on Elm Street, because it is just weird and fun. I like it, and it is not easy to master.

One Last Thing



A Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Kruger "Freddy's Glove" Prop - This is one thing that I absolutely love. I would pick this up in a heart beat and scare the crap out of kids in the neighborhood. This replica Freddy Kruger glove is just amazing, and while it's not going to kill anyone, it's something to give a true horror fan. Forget the dvd's, get this thing, it's rad.

So there you have it folks. There goes my 2010 holiday gift list, guide, or whatever. I guess I should have posted this a while ago, but instead I posted it today...cause I'm an idiot. If you have a few extra pennies click the links provided to shop on amazon and help support this site. I'll have a review of a recent indie horror film coming Friday, and then a nice Christmas post for you guys that celebrate.

Top 5 CHRISTMAS Horror Movies

I don't do a lot of Top 5 lists, simply because I don't spend a lot of time thinking about horror when it's not time to sit down and review. I know, that's going to stun some people, but it's true. When I think of horror, it's a very specific time and frame of mind, although there are exceptions. I did think about how awesome it would be to do a podcast with jervaise, me and jervaise, oh man, the horror movie podcast world would implode and of course someone would get sued for bashing the British film industry, truth or not.

With the Holidays upon us, and everyone talking about crap, here is my picks for top 5 Holiday Horror Movies of all time!

How The List Was Compiled

Last year around this time I did a whole month of watching just Christmas related horror movies. The year before I did the same thing, but I didn't document it on this site as much. I even spent a lot of time at work watching these movies with my coworkers. We watched so much horror that some of the movies just fell flat, but this year, I started to go back and watch all the Holiday related horror movies that I could. I even purchased some vhs tapes from ebay for the sole reason of watching them for review. I'll review those later, but for now, I compiled my 5 favorites. You might agree, you might disagree, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, because I probably am not going to pick your #1.

I'd also like to mention that I'm NOT putting these in order of best, I'm just randomly throwing out a top 5, so don't go crazy when you don't see your favorite as #1. It's all relative. These are my top 5 holiday horror movies, your list will be different, but hook it up with some comments.

THE TOP 5 CHRISTMAS HORROR MOVIES



5. Black X-Mas 2006 - This film knocked me out when I saw it. It really wasn't all that good on paper. A bunch of random chicks in a dorm house getting knocked off instead of knocked up? I'll buy it, but I'm not liking it unless there's a bit more slashing, and boy did the film live up. It is brutal, and boy is it brutal. I do not throw that term around lightly, as there are some sick death sequences, and the ending is so good so poignant, and so "Christmas" related. I think the final sequences stole a little from Argento's "Suspiria" but whatever, it's still classic. I didn't give this movie a fare shake when it first came out, but once I saw it on dvd, I realized that I missed out on watching it on the big screen.

Speaking of the big screen, I wanted to mention the fact that I do NOT own a big screen, flat screen or anything. I watch movies on my old UHF analog television, which sucks, but when you're broke, you're broke.



4. Chopping Mall - Sure it might not be a full Christmas movie, but what goes synonymously with the holidays as much as Shopping does? I mean, the poster even says it nicely, "Where Shopping Can Cost You An Arm and a Leg". For horror and science fiction fans that hate robots in general and are scared of what they are supposedly going to do in the near future, this is further proof of their rebellion. The premise of this one is simple, a group of idiots want to stay inside the mall after it closes, and when they do, they end up meeting a Robot security guard that goes rogue! There is an awesome head explosion scene at one point and it's just awesome.

It's interesting to note that The Simpsons did a tribute to this notion when Milhouse and Bart go into a mall after it closes and there is a robotic animal loose. Or wait, is it a real animal? I forget. Whatever the case is, there's a little throwback, whether it was intentional or not, that's another story altogether.



3. Santa's Slay - Bill Goldberg vs DDP at WCW's Halloween Havoc is my favorite WCW World Heavyweight title match. That being said, this is my second Bill Golbderg moment. Santa's Slay is an interesting horror movie that is not only rated R, not only straight to dvd, but full of greatness. From the opening segments this film is a hard R and features a lot of gore. It has some great overall kills, Santa does NOT look like an anti-hero, and the ending is so stupid that you'll swear R.L. Stine wrote this crap. It's still worth checking out and it's one of my personal favorites.



2. Child's Play - This interesting piece not only has a great overall supernatural feel, it was one of the first horror movies that I personally kept renting from the Korean video store near my house. I wore out the vhs from renting it so much because I thought it was rad. 20 plus years later it's the #2 Christmas horror movie. This movie features a present gone completely wrong and boy does it go bad. The movie spawned several sequels and it was sick. I know, it's easy to dismiss the killer since it's just a doll, but it's more than that, it's a killer freaking doll with the soul of a....never mind. It's just a good one.

On another side note, remember that evil Krusty doll on the Simpsons? That was great.



1. Silent Night Deadly Night - The number one movie is none other than this one. Since I was a kid, I loved this film, and I loved the gore. I loved every aspect of this film so much that when the sequel came out, I bought it. You have to remember that in the 80's if you bought a vhs tape it was not $9.99 it was $29.99 and it sucked. I bought the second one because the first one didn't get a full release because some parents thought it was too harsh to have Santa Claus looked upon as a villain and a vile villain. The story is about a young boy who witnesses the rape and killing of his parents, and hates Santa Claus. The first of the series is quite good, better than the rest, and has been restored digitally with juxtaposing clips of the old vhs transfer to show you how advanced the dvd truly is.

The film features everything you could want in a horror movie, not just a holiday horror movie. It has gore, it has sex, it has boobs, it has teenagers getting their heads chopped off, and Santa Claus getting punched out. Oh and there's this weird sex scene at one point that is followed up by a nun whipping the crap out of them while screaming "NAUGHTY". I still think it's the greatest Christmas horror movie ever made, but that's just me.

So there you have it folks, a little killer list for you guys to enjoy on this Christmas holiday. If you haven't read my previous holiday themed reviews, you can read them here. If you want to help out this blog you can advertise or you can leave a comment and buy dvd's from the links I provide.

Be sure to let me know what horror and non horror movies you like to watch during the holidays and also if you haven't subscribed via RSS feed, go for it, you might enjoy it better than coming back here all the time.

I'll return with more reviews and more scary stupid crap. I'm going to go and read my Christmas Zombies Comic Book, and that's that.

REWIND: The Complete Silent Night Deadly Night

I was fully ready to review a new film today, but unfortunately I had something come up. I wish it were a job, but instead it was just busy work at home, you know, washing dishes etc etc. So enjoy this piece of crap rewind, while I write up a review for Wednesday...ugh...life sucks when you have no job during the holidays...seriously.



I had spent a pretty penny in November on ebay trying to get good quality versions of Silent Night Deadly Night 3, 4, and 5. Then two weeks later, guess what happened? The studios decided to release a box set to complete the 5 set of films onto dvd. That's right, you can not get the whole set on dvd, and that really ticked me off.

However, instead of sitting around and moping, I decided to go ahead with my reviews as scheduled. But before I get into the world of Silent Night Deadly Night sequels, you might want to check out my previous commentaries on the film set. Silent Night Deadly Night on dvd and part 2, as well as a second look at the iconic series.

Silent Night Deadly Night Review
Silent Night Deadly Night 2 Review
A Real Santa Claus Killer
Second Look: Silent Night Deadly Night

Stay tuned for the next three pieces of the film series, reviewed the way they should've been seen; on vhs! That's right, on vhs, so you're in for a treat...well I'm in for a treat. You'll just be bored to death, as is the norm on this site.

Don't forget to check out Silent Night Deadly Night 3-5 on dvd now in a box set.

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out amazon.com, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

REWIND: Santa's Slay Review

I'm enjoying a break from things, so here's another rewind, while I watch some horror over the stupid holiday.



Former WCW Champion Bill Goldberg plays a killer Santa who’s back to kill the naughty. It’s awesome, and not meant to be scrutinized as a serious film, but it is a throwback to the 80’s slasher formula that many other movies really miss. Santa’s Slay is a great holiday horror film, and many people never even see it, such a shame.

The movie is about a couple of teens who uncover a mysterious story, told by one’s grandpa. Back a thousand years ago Santa Claus bet against an Angel with the loser being enslaved for a thousand years. Claus, in this story is the son of the devil, and plots to kill people once a year, and loses in this game, but 1000 years later (The present) he’s back in action to slay the naughty and anyone who stands in his way. So in the Township of Hell two brave teens must try to stop a killer Santa from destroying anyone and everyone he deems naughty.

Here’s a trailer for Santa’s Slay:



The film is done nicely. The movie’s cameras and director plays a great role in pushing this movie to its limits. The picture is nice, and the overall quality is great. While this is a straight to dvd and/or made for television film it really is top notch. It is higher quality than a lot of other films that I’ve seen go straight to dvd. The angles, the effects, the make up, and all things movie related are right on point and look great for this type of film.

The death’s are well made and awesome. We’re talking about serial slaying with all sorts of Christmas and Holiday related toys and gadgets. The only thing missing is a Festivus pole, but then again, one might argue that the electricity in the strip club is a throwback to that idea from Seinfeld.

Goldberg’s one liners are great. They are all related to the Holiday’s and they are all on point in a raspy, scary voice. I’m a little bit of a fan since I was a wcw fan circa 1999 when Bill Goldberg was a major wrestling star. This movie goes out of its way to be halfway serious, until the final act, where everything is dismantled and this movie becomes another joke of a horror plot.



Why Santa’s Slay is scary: Taking the story of Santa Claus and making it a serial killing parable isn’t new. However, throwing the traditional into a scary and supernatural story is not bad. We all believe in something or nothing, and it all has to do with some sort of entity. Here we see the entity manifested in Biblical proportions, with the main characters being angels and/or the son of Satan. This is not too farfetched. Consider Mormonism for a moment. Mormonism has a belief that Jesus is the brother of Satan, that’s right, they are brothers, and millions upon millions of people believe that to be true. So the idea that Satan’s son could be Santa Claus can’t be too far off of an idea to spoof or borrow.

Consider also that the Fat Red Santa mythos wasn’t even invented until the 19th century sometime, by an artist rendering. It was also then more commercialized by the Coca Cola company and away we go to modern Santa Claus. This creates an interesting scenario of belief that makes some of the points in this movie sort of scary. What if it was all true?

What if? We deal in a world of what ifs. I know that it’s not a popular thing to believe, but consider the fact that many people in the world are waiting for economic collapse and are storing up food and supplies. Consider the millions of people that believe in God, and are waiting for the second coming of Christ. Consider even fringe beliefs of sorts, like the Ethiopian Orthodox church. They believe that they have the original Ark of the Covenant. That’s right, there are a lot of what ifs that people believe and are personally attached to, and that’s why this film is kind of scary at times. It pulls a quick punch in the direction of Santa, which is popularized once a year, and spins it on its axis into an evil association, which creates quite the contrived and impersonal setting for this horror movie.

This film is scary on the notions of a what if scenario. It can be argued that all movies in the horror genre are scary in the, what if, argument that I’m creating in this article. However, this one is meant to be tongue and cheek at times, and I can’t really see another way to explain why this movie could be scary. Most people won’t find this movie to scary as it deals a lot with the supernatural as a counterbalance to serial killings, but you might also argue that the vigilante justice that Santa is giving out in this film is not too unlike previous horror movie efforts such as “Christmas Evil” and “Silent Night Deadly Night”, but in the realms of horror it stands out on its overall pledge to keep things just below the radar in terms of horror. Sure it has horror elements, and sure it really hinges on a little supernatural belief, but if you strip away the nonsense, you get an enjoyable horror film with a lot of comedic moments and some silly deaths.

Santa’s Slay is the best movie I’ve seen in terms of Holiday Horror. There are a lot of bad movies out there, and this one is not one of them. It’s light, it’s funny, and if you allow yourself to ask a few what if questions, you’re in for a good holiday horror time. It’s not really meant to be treated as a nightmare, but it has enough of umph to get you through the yuletide mess we call holidays. Santa’s Slay is a harmless, yet powerful horror film, and I liked it a lot more than some other Holiday themed films, so I suggest a viewing of Santa’s Slay. If not a s a whole, then for the great opening sequences featuring some SNL alumni, some classic actors, and one hot former sitcom star….trust me. Santa’s Slay, if nothing else, is funny, and that’s kind of cool for a horror film.

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out amazon.com, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

REWIND: Thankskilling Review

Here's a blast from my Holiday Horror 2009 month, where all I reviewed was "holiday" themed horror movies. I might come back in December and do Holiday Horror 2010 but I'm not sure, I'd have to find a lot of new Christmas horror movies to review, so we'll see what happens.

Until Wednesday, here's a look back at Thankskilling!





We start our journey through holiday horror with this film with a ridiculous name. The film is called, Thankskilling, and it’s all about the holidays. The opening of this film has two of the best things in horror movie lore that I love. Boobs and Gore, well it’s light on the gore, but it’s rad. You immediately get a topless woman running through the woods, and as soon as she is vulnerable, a foul mouth turkey chops her up with an axe! This is not your traditional scary movie!

The funny thing is about the movie, is the story that brought it to life. Apparently this film was funded with only 3500 dollars, and was made by two college students without major media roles or corporate hero’s joining in to throwdown some cash or ruin the project with what some might call “professionalism”.

In fact, the film feels like a television show that you might see in the late 90’s. The film quality and follow through is better than some of the straight to dvd and television movies that I’ve seen in the past. However, that’s not to say that this film is amazing, good, or anything like that. It has some good editing, and alright focus, but overall this film goes from good lighting/shots to terrible close ups. It swings back and forth, but it still seems somewhat better than say, “Axe Em” which was just horrendous. However, what “Axe Em” had was professional actor’s where this one seems to have “semi-pro” actors trying to make this somewhat watchable.

So what’s the plot? The plot is paper thin. A loud mouth, yes loud mouth, turkey is going around killing teenagers on Thanksgiving break. So if you mix say, Cabin Fever’s road trip like premise, with any slasher film out there, you’ve got Thankskilling.

Here's a quick trailer to give you enough action:



This movie is not really scary, it’s probably not meant to be, but it’s worth the novelty of “Holiday Horror” and should be seen as a traditional film to watch around this time of the year. There’s not much else to say about this film, this thing is poorly acted, but has enough of a cult quality to be seen at least once or twice.

Seriously, consider checking out Thankskilling for your holiday horror bash.



Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out amazon.com, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.