Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre A Family Portrait Revisited Review

There are a lot of documentaries floating around right now and they all deal with different aspects of horror and scary movies. I like most of them, and then there are rare gems that offer nothing new, and don’t even give you a full HD version or anything that you haven’t seen before, and that makes me a little mad. I have no reason to be mad, but you would think that with technology being so easy to get a hold of, that producers and film makers would revisit things with the power of media today, then again, we are talking about a low budget horror movie that set the stage for some of the most iconic villains and victims ever. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: A Family Portrait is available now, and it is not a long-winded feature, it’s relatively short, but showcases a great deal of insight into the filming and production of the classic horror movie.

You will find that the documentary is low quality, grainy, and transferred from what can only be assumed was VHS or even Beta Max. This might be done on purpose to go along with the low budget quality of the original movie, or it could be something that is just a coincidence. Regardless of what is going on here, it’s obvious that something is up, because the film grain is just insanely poor.

This documentary is interesting, for some people, but overall is not worth recommending. If you’ve seen the original movie, you’ve seen most of the things you hear about here. I feel like I’ve seen this before on a special feature of the re-release of the dvd or even blu ray…is it on blu ray? I don’t know. It’s ok to watch, but I don’t recommend it.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Halloween H20 Review

Seven films into a franchise and the hits keep on coming, that’s what you will think of when you go back to watch this film, that and the fact that it was Josh Hartnett’s first major role. This 1998 slasher has everything you would want in a classic horror film with the exception of hardcore gratuitous nudity. Despite the many different installments, the producers wanted this film to be an alternative sequel to Halloween II and ignores the other films in a various ways. The movie, as the title says, is set 20 years after the original film and follows Michael Meyers and his sister played by none other than Jamie Lee Curtis. If you haven’t figured out what film I’m talking about, it’s none other than Halloween H20.

First and foremost, you have to just not think about the logic in this film. For being a unmerciful brute, Meyers somehow gets out of lock up, finds Laurie living in Northern California and starts killing anything that moves. This type of easy going writing plays well for the genre, but if you’re “thinking” about the film on any sort of intellectual level, you’re going to want to punch yourself in the face. Do not overthink the plot of this film, especially the part where LL Cool J loses all sorts of street cred when he decides to start writing a romance novel…sigh.

As the movie progresses we get all sorts of jump scares that aren’t scary at all, unless you’re wearing headphones and watching this in a dark alley somewhere. You can almost time the scare points, as they are so predictable, and lead to almost nothing. By the time Meyers shows up, you are ready for action and he brings it with brute force and slow movements. I never understood how this guy was so good, and moves so slow.

I was surprised by the fact that Joseph Gordon Levitt was in this film, and gets a hockey skate to the face! I always found it a bit taboo to kill kids, but I guess he was old enough to get hacked by Meyers. The movie seemed to mix episodes of Dawson’s Creek and 1980’s horror film gore, only to climax in the 80th or so minute. If you absolutely love the slasher genre, this one is a bit better quality than most. It is relatively short, but it has all the pieces (minus the nudity) that you’d expect from the genre in modern times. Halloween H20 still has some good points, and some major flaws, but what can you ask for from the franchise that had Busta Rhymes take out Meyers in the sequel that came after this one…. sigh.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Final Destination 5 Review

final destination 5
I’m going to start this review by apologizing to all you 3 readers that are out there still hoping for a comeback. I have had a hard time this year fighting depression, and other things, but you know what? I’m feeling good, good enough to see yet another steaming pile of dog poop we call horror movie production. The latest project I get to review for this site is none other than the hundred million dollar grossing film Final Destination 5 and man do I wish I didn’t see it. There are only a select few franchises in horror that get dawned with five movies back to back, and aside from Saw the recent movies haven’t been that great. This is an example of how you can make a cash grab with 3D and get people like me upset at the same time.

Final Destination is a headache inducing film. The acting is beyond bad, and the visuals are all poorly done, with the exception of some of the death sequences which is the only reason why anyone would want to see this film in the first place. I found the opening deaths from the bridge to be laughable, as the laws of physics just didn’t seem to match up with what I would assume was a death plunge. I bet a lot of people would survive the whole thing, but hey, that’s just my take on things.

There was an interesting subplot in the film that I thought seemed fitting, the whole going nuts and becoming a slasher film fit in with my distraught mind as I was trying to make sense of this whole franchise. Then out of the blue they killed off that person, and then well….the movie really jumped the shark as the end came to fruition.

This film sucked. I hated it. You probably hated it. I can’t believe I had to sit through this drivel, and it made so much money. I’m upset that Final Destination 5 makes hundreds of millions of dollars, and yet I’m stuck here making a pauper’s salary. I’ll review something else…in the near future. But first, I have to forget that I ever saw this.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Haunted Casino Review

When it comes to scary movies, let’s just say I have the worst luck. No matter what I do, no matter who I ask, I get to watch the worst of the worst more often then not. This year looks to be starting out to be just as bad as every other year, and even though I love Sid Haig, he once again lets me down…or rather let’s his fans down. This movie that I’m going to try to review is The Haunted Casino. The movie takes casino games to a deadly level, which is one of the standouts in the genre, if there is such a genre as casino horror.

The movie features an interesting ambiance, with some very spooky settings. I found that the idea of a haunted casino is not too unlike saw in a way, and while there are some great shots, that doesn’t make up for the follow through which has some of the worst acting I’ve seen in a long time. The main characters move through some interesting spots. The movie has a convoluted story line about a few friends that end up at a haunted casino and have to deal with some games of life and death.

If you liked saw, this movie is going to have some familiar moments, especially when life and death are on the line when playing some crazy Las Vegas style action. The gore levels and one liners from Sid Haig are definitely worth your time as this film has a solid rated R rating, assuming it was rated by the film board. You will see hands getting chopped off, first person camera angles of impalements, and Sid Haig throwing out more one liners than anything you’ve heard from the Nightmare on Elm Street Series.

The Haunted Casino is not the greatest of movies, and while I appreciate a good game of roulette in real life, I don’t find it as interesting when the lights are dim and someone’s going to die. I guess I’m a simple man with simple pleasures, but this movie might have found my limit point. I don’t recommend this film, even if it is packaged as another movie. If you’re a diehard Sid Haig fan, you’ll love this one, otherwise, you can pass this option.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

T-Shirt Hell Cheap Horror Shirts

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Devil In The Flesh Review

First and foremost, Happy New Year from me and all the idiots that help me out on this blog. To kick off the New Year I decided to review a pseudo-horror film, that seems more like an after school special than a pure horror attraction. While there are elements of horror at times, the majority of this one features a weird mash up of adult themes, sexual violence, and serial killing. The movie I’m talking about is none other than, Devil in The Flesh.

The movie is touted as a straightforward thriller, but the acting is so bad, that I didn’t find it very scary, at first. The movie features a young Rose McGowan playing a scary teenager who just happens to move to a new town and has her eyes squarely on one of her teachers. She tries to become the object of his affection, but when she is spurned, turns into an evil witch of sorts. She goes on a path of destruction that starts with her brutally beating her grandmother to death with a cane, and then killing off a black mailing jock for good measure! The sequences of revenge and slaying are enough to make this somewhat interesting, but then there are a lot of odd moments that seem to serve no purpose than to titillate the male audience that is watching this movie.

There are several moments in the film that feature sex between a student and a teacher, then there are some moments that resemble fatal attraction, and of course the ill-fated “date” rape scene is just laughable. None of the situations are sexy in any way, and the music is laughable to say the least. The movie goes through several stages, and by act 3 I was ready to quit watching it. The only reason I kept going with the convoluted storyline, is the sheer fact that I was wondering if the main characters were going to die.

Devil in The Flesh has a cool cover, but the movie lacks a sense of purpose. This movie seems canned, and I swear I saw it already with Alicia Silverstone. I don’t recommend this film, but then again, I don’t recommend a whole lot these days, do I? For the first film of 2011, this is a sad sack of a movie. However, there are some cool moments, which will at least have you watching through Netflix streaming, rather than buying the dvd. Speaking of which, make sure you patronize our links. Thanks.

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