The 5 Best Damn Horror Movies For Christmas

In 2010, when I was still writing like a mad man and trying to get myself out of another bout with depression I wrote about the Top 5 Christmas horror movies, and it was received well enough. People thought I was wrong and people thought I was right. You could read that post right here, but today is not about the past it’s about the present and the future. It’s with that in mind that I’m going to drop a bomb today, and no I do not mean another bowel movement.

Today, for your consideration, like an episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” is none other than the best damn horror movies for Christmas. Of course these are not for children, and no they aren’t pornographic although Dracula XXX comes highly recommended by me and Ron Jeremy. I think he was in it, I haven't seen it in a long time, not that I'm advocating pornography directly.

So here you go, all 2 of you that still read this site, my picks for the best of the best. If you agree, disagree, or have some comments, let me know what's up.

5. Santa’s Slay

Bill Goldberg plays one hell of a character here. It doesn’t end very well and it takes on a laughable premise, but for the most part, this horror Christmas entry is one that is well worth looking at. I must also admit that the best bit of performance art was had by this former NFL and WCW powerhouse. His match with DDP at WCW’s Halloween Havoc in 1998 is still one of the most impressive feats of professional wrestling, fake or not, they danced in a very grand way. Now that I’ve lost my readers, I can say that this movie is one of the best examples of a movie that wasn’t meant for theaters and still manages to deliver a high production value. The gore is ramped up at times, and the opening sequence alone is star studded and brings out some fun. Santa’s Slay may not be a serious movie, but it most certainly delivers on the horror aspect. It’s fun, not scary, so don’t give me slack.

4. To All A Good Night

The 1970s were a hell of a time for movies. There seemed to be a willingness to be uncensored, and work with the ratings in a much harder way. There was also a great deal of creativity thrown to the box covers of videos. To All A Good Night is one of those movies that slips by a lot of people, but is worth scoping out. It is the story of a group of teenagers that are partying and are being slowly picked off by a maniac in a Santa Claus suit. Pretty basic, and quite a throwback, even if the pacing is a bit on the slow side. But hey, a killer Santa Claus nearly 10 years before the other famed one? Yep.The 1970s produced some sick movies, and this may not be the sickest of all the releases, but it is definitely a good one that many people move over in favor of Christmas Evil, Black Christmas, and even some older options that are just boring as ever.

3. Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall is insane. It has one of my favorite movie posters and really is one of the coolest concepts. A mall closes down and to protect the place, a killer robot is dispatched. This may not be a 100% Christmas tale, but it’s all about shopping or rather Chopping! It features an incredible head explosion before CG started to be everywhere. It’s a good entry into this list and one that is well worth your time to seek out. The next time you’re at the mall, just think about this movie and how you could be next! Remember the Simpsons episode? That was good. I remember the first time I saw this, it was a double feature for me with Sleepaway Camp. The horror movie video boxes were 100 times more intriguing than anything that is seen now. I am definitely a big fan of these things, and wax nostalgic about it too much, or not enough.

2. Gremlins

Horror comedy that isn’t scary? Well Gremlins pushes on a lot of comedic elements, but still maintains a good creep factor that gives you enough of a treat. This is not an all-out onslaught of the senses, and it is not a slasher, but the horror elements, hard drinking, smoking and more makes this one quite compelling. Gremlins fans will be upset that I didn’t put this at #1 but come on, it’s more comedy than it is straight laced horror, right? Whatever. A small town gets hit with crude Gremlins! What’s not to love? This movie is definitely the better of the two releases that bear the name Gremlins. Also, don't confuse this for Critters or Ghoulies. I love Ghoulies though, and remember that one time that they went to college? There's a lot of Critters movies too, they had cool posters.

1. Black Xmas (remake)

There are going to be a lot of people upset about this. No, Silent Night Deadly Night doesn’t get start treatment here. Why? Because Black Xmas came out swinging and completely obliterates the 5 movies that were just awful. The first one had a Santa Claus rape and murder sequence, so it loses on the premise of just being horrendous. Ok, it’s a favorite of mine, but still, this one ramps up the brutality, production, and sound design. A group of sorority girls get stalked by a psycho around Christmas. The ending is brutal as ever, and the sound design makes this one my top pick. It’s a good watch, and eliminates the need to watch many others. If you don't like this one, then it's most likely because it's too brutal. I admit, it  has some moments that will make you cringe, but like Wes Craven reminds, it's only a movie, it's only a movie.

There you have it, Scary Film Reviews best of Christmas. Oh and if you think I’m a hack, I spent 3 consecutive years reviewing only Holiday Horror movies in the month of December, so go back into the archives and see why they aren’t on this list here. Ok, I admit, I am a hack. Pick these up with the appropriate links below and help a brotha out, it’s Christmas!

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More Holiday Movie Madness

Second verse, same as the first, and we're going to round out our year of holiday-themed horror films. So hang on tight as we continue our parade of fright throughout the year.

Memorial Day: 'Memorial Day' (1999)

Now this makes some sense, in a strange way. A holiday that is about honoring the dead would of course result in a movie in which people become dead. On Memorial Day, a group of youths return to the spot where one of their friends died as they partied. Three years later, they find themselves in peril as they are chased down by a masked killer. Grab a beer and a burger and enjoy!

Fourth of July: 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' (1997)

After winning a beauty pageant, a group of friends go out to celebrate. On their return trip, they hit and apparently kill a man, and then dump the corpse into the ocean whilst making a pact to never speak of the incident again. Well, if horror films taught us anything, it's that the past always comes back to haunt and sometimes even kill.

Day of the Dead: 'All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos' (2006)

Go south of the border and celebrate this Mexican holiday with some bottles of Corona and watch this film about a group of American travelers who get stuck in a Mexican ghost town that becomes overrun by zombies on the Day of the Dead. Think of it as “the running of the corpses” rather than the running of the bulls.

Veteran's Day: 'Deathdream' (1972)

You know the story. A veteran returns home after a long and troubling time on the front, twitching and telling stories about how he took out fifteen enemy combatants with plastic spork. The same scenario occurs in 'Deathdream', but instead of telling stories, this veteran sits in a chair all day and then at night attacks people and drinks their blood to stave off decomposition.

Thanksgiving: 'Blood Rage' (1987)

Todd and Terry are twins, sharing all aspects of the other save for one thing: one of them is a murderer. After the brutal murder of a teenager at a drive in, Todd is accused and found guilty and sent away to an asylum. Years later, on Thanksgiving, news arrives that Todd has escaped and in a twist that could be seen a mile away, the killer is not who everyone thought it was.

All Holidays: 'Tales from the Grave, vol. 2: Happy Holidays' (2005)

Sequel to the popular 'Tales from the Grave” series, this film's collection of vignettes cover stories that focus on the holidays, including St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas all in one handy package for anyone who like value with their movie selections.

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Scary Movies For Children on Halloween

As we 20-and-30-somethings start to settle down, pursue relationships, and eventually begin families, lots of things in our lives change. The things we enjoyed in our youth, like splatterfest horror films, become a thing of the past as we make concessions for the toddlers that have taken over our lives. You find yourself unable to find a babysitter so you can go out and see the newest installment of the “Saw” franchise or pop in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” into your XBox, but you have a need, no, a burning desire to get your freak-out on. What do you do?

Easy. You find kid-friendly scary films. Sure, there could be drawbacks to sitting down with your kids, but a little fear never hurt anyone, right? Here are five films rated PG-13 and under to consider when you want to scare your kids to sleep (or into behaving).

Poltergeist (1982)

It's a relate-able story: a normal, every day family out in suburbia confront a malevolent force that just can't take a hint that it's not wanted. The film takes the “monster-under-the-bed” and “monster-in-the-closet” childhood frights and runs with them, but producer and co-writer of the film, Steven Spielburg, adds just enough playfulness and family friendliness which is typically unusual in this genre.

Gremlins (1984)

Nothing says lighthearted like having an adorable little mascot critter for this scary comedic franchise. Your kids will fall in love with Gizmo. That is, they see what happens when you feed your sweet, innocent mogwai after midnight or get him wet, spawning the wicked and titular gremlins whose pranks turn deadly.

Arachnophobia (1990)

A cautionary tale about why bringing non-native species home is a bad idea. Spiders are scary in their own right, add in an arachnophobic doctor whose house becomes ground zero for an infestation of a rare and venomous spider, hijinks ensue.

Ghost Busters (1984)

A pioneer of the horror-comedy, Ghostbusters and it's sequel is a classic that caters to all ages. This film about a group of oft-mocked scientists that form a supernatural extermination squad is a pop culture classic that enjoys popularity even among today's youth culture that includes a cartoon-spin off sure to please the kids on Saturday mornings.

The next time you find yourself wanting to initiate junior into the wonderful world of scary films without terrifying them into next week, keep these films in mind!

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Holiday Themed Horror Insanity

Halloween, Christmas, even Mother's Day and Father's Day, all easily have horror films centered around them, but what about the other holidays that fill up our calendars? Here are some selections that best suit the more neglected holidays throughout the first part of the year!

New Year's Day: 'Terror Train' (1980)

In the days before the Party Buses, college kids apparently rung in the New Year by hopping on a party train to celebrate. Weird. The story revolves around a prank they committed years before that comes back to haunt them when a Groucho Marx-masked killer hunts them down one by one. "Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped!"

Valentine's Day: 'My Bloody Valentine' (1981)

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day of romance, love, and obligatory chocolates and expensive gifts to represent affection. But what could be more romantic than watching a love story about a man and his love of killing others? Romance comes in many forms, my friends. Some are just not as socially accepted as others.

St. Patrick's Day: 'Leprechaun' (1993)

Assuming you're not too busy drinking green beer, singing Irish drinking songs, or punching strangers on the street for not wearing green, this campy classic about a leprechaun set loose from a trap after ten years to discover his precious pot o' gold has been taken turns into terror as he hunts down any who get in his way from reuniting with his gold – including a young Jennifer Aniston. They're after me lucky charms!

Easter: 'Easter Bunny Kill! Kill! (2006)

The Easter Bunny at the mall is already nightmare fuel enough, what with those soulless eyes and that menacing smile with two razor sharp teeth jutting from it's always-smiling mouth. Take a film where a pair of men abuse a mentally challenged boy get chased by a killer in an Easter bunny mask with power tools? I think I'll forgo the egg hunt, and take up rabbit hunting instead.

Mother's Day: 'Rosemary's Baby' (1968)

What starts as an idyllic glance into the married life of the titular Rosemary and her husband Guy after they move into a creepy Manhattan apartment turns into a nightmare. Rosemary gets pregnant after a bad dream in which a horrible creature makes love to her and nosy demon-serving neighbors help take care of her in order to sacrifice the baby to help her husband's burgeoning career. Only Roman Polanski could make being a mother more horrifying.

Arbor Day: 'The Happening' (2008)

I know what you're thinking. Arbor Day? Seriously? Well, this M. Night Shamaylan film teaches about what happens if you do not respect nature and nature finally gets pissed off enough and fights back. Death by shrubbery is possible, and The Sixth Sense direction shows us how.

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