Friday, December 17, 2010

Top 5 CHRISTMAS Horror Movies

I don't do a lot of Top 5 lists, simply because I don't spend a lot of time thinking about horror when it's not time to sit down and review. I know, that's going to stun some people, but it's true. When I think of horror, it's a very specific time and frame of mind, although there are exceptions. I did think about how awesome it would be to do a podcast with jervaise, me and jervaise, oh man, the horror movie podcast world would implode and of course someone would get sued for bashing the British film industry, truth or not.

With the Holidays upon us, and everyone talking about crap, here is my picks for top 5 Holiday Horror Movies of all time!

How The List Was Compiled

Last year around this time I did a whole month of watching just Christmas related horror movies. The year before I did the same thing, but I didn't document it on this site as much. I even spent a lot of time at work watching these movies with my coworkers. We watched so much horror that some of the movies just fell flat, but this year, I started to go back and watch all the Holiday related horror movies that I could. I even purchased some vhs tapes from ebay for the sole reason of watching them for review. I'll review those later, but for now, I compiled my 5 favorites. You might agree, you might disagree, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, because I probably am not going to pick your #1.

I'd also like to mention that I'm NOT putting these in order of best, I'm just randomly throwing out a top 5, so don't go crazy when you don't see your favorite as #1. It's all relative. These are my top 5 holiday horror movies, your list will be different, but hook it up with some comments.



5. Black X-Mas 2006 - This film knocked me out when I saw it. It really wasn't all that good on paper. A bunch of random chicks in a dorm house getting knocked off instead of knocked up? I'll buy it, but I'm not liking it unless there's a bit more slashing, and boy did the film live up. It is brutal, and boy is it brutal. I do not throw that term around lightly, as there are some sick death sequences, and the ending is so good so poignant, and so "Christmas" related. I think the final sequences stole a little from Argento's "Suspiria" but whatever, it's still classic. I didn't give this movie a fare shake when it first came out, but once I saw it on dvd, I realized that I missed out on watching it on the big screen.

Speaking of the big screen, I wanted to mention the fact that I do NOT own a big screen, flat screen or anything. I watch movies on my old UHF analog television, which sucks, but when you're broke, you're broke.

chopping mall

4. Chopping Mall - Sure it might not be a full Christmas movie, but what goes synonymously with the holidays as much as Shopping does? I mean, the poster even says it nicely, "Where Shopping Can Cost You An Arm and a Leg". For horror and science fiction fans that hate robots in general and are scared of what they are supposedly going to do in the near future, this is further proof of their rebellion. The premise of this one is simple, a group of idiots want to stay inside the mall after it closes, and when they do, they end up meeting a Robot security guard that goes rogue! There is an awesome head explosion scene at one point and it's just awesome.

It's interesting to note that The Simpsons did a tribute to this notion when Milhouse and Bart go into a mall after it closes and there is a robotic animal loose. Or wait, is it a real animal? I forget. Whatever the case is, there's a little throwback, whether it was intentional or not, that's another story altogether.

santas slay

3. Santa's Slay - Bill Goldberg vs DDP at WCW's Halloween Havoc is my favorite WCW World Heavyweight title match. That being said, this is my second Bill Golbderg moment. Santa's Slay is an interesting horror movie that is not only rated R, not only straight to dvd, but full of greatness. From the opening segments this film is a hard R and features a lot of gore. It has some great overall kills, Santa does NOT look like an anti-hero, and the ending is so stupid that you'll swear R.L. Stine wrote this crap. It's still worth checking out and it's one of my personal favorites.

childs play

2. Child's Play - This interesting piece not only has a great overall supernatural feel, it was one of the first horror movies that I personally kept renting from the Korean video store near my house. I wore out the vhs from renting it so much because I thought it was rad. 20 plus years later it's the #2 Christmas horror movie. This movie features a present gone completely wrong and boy does it go bad. The movie spawned several sequels and it was sick. I know, it's easy to dismiss the killer since it's just a doll, but it's more than that, it's a killer freaking doll with the soul of a....never mind. It's just a good one.

On another side note, remember that evil Krusty doll on the Simpsons? That was great.

silent night

1. Silent Night Deadly Night - The number one movie is none other than this one. Since I was a kid, I loved this film, and I loved the gore. I loved every aspect of this film so much that when the sequel came out, I bought it. You have to remember that in the 80's if you bought a vhs tape it was not $9.99 it was $29.99 and it sucked. I bought the second one because the first one didn't get a full release because some parents thought it was too harsh to have Santa Claus looked upon as a villain and a vile villain. The story is about a young boy who witnesses the rape and killing of his parents, and hates Santa Claus. The first of the series is quite good, better than the rest, and has been restored digitally with juxtaposing clips of the old vhs transfer to show you how advanced the dvd truly is.

The film features everything you could want in a horror movie, not just a holiday horror movie. It has gore, it has sex, it has boobs, it has teenagers getting their heads chopped off, and Santa Claus getting punched out. Oh and there's this weird sex scene at one point that is followed up by a nun whipping the crap out of them while screaming "NAUGHTY". I still think it's the greatest Christmas horror movie ever made, but that's just me.

So there you have it folks, a little killer list for you guys to enjoy on this Christmas holiday. If you haven't read my previous holiday themed reviews, you can read them here. If you want to help out this blog you can advertise or you can leave a comment and buy dvd's from the links I provide.

Be sure to let me know what horror and non horror movies you like to watch during the holidays and also if you haven't subscribed via RSS feed, go for it, you might enjoy it better than coming back here all the time.

I'll return with more reviews and more scary stupid crap. I'm going to go and read my Christmas Zombies Comic Book, and that's that.


  1. jervaise brooke hamsterDecember 20, 2010 at 9:31 PM

    I actually think the picture quality on old CRT UHF analog televisions is a lot better than the picture on LCD, LED, or Plasma tv`s. I also think VHS gives a better picture than DVD (even Hi-Definition DVD is over-rated in my opinion).

  2. "kelli maroney" is a gorgeous bird, i`d love to bum her off (even though she obviously isn`t 18 unfortunately).

  3. jervaise brooke hamsterDecember 21, 2010 at 10:22 PM

    If i could`ve buggered Kelli Maroney the day she celebrated her 18th birthday (December 30th 1978) i think i would`ve felt as though i owned the universe, that bird was truly astounding back in the late 70`s and early 80`s.

  4. yo guys, she removed her comments...i guess we should chill on buggerng comments when people leave comments...come on...or else i'll have to delete stuff and maintain the site more...which i'm too lazy to do often

  5. jervaise brooke hamsterDecember 29, 2010 at 2:35 PM

    Its strange why Kelli got offended, from the look of her i could have sworn she was a sex-crazed nympho-girl-iac.

  6. jervaise brooke hamsterDecember 30, 2010 at 8:27 AM

    Sir Jorge, second scary fact of the day, today kelli Maroney is 50, a full 32 years (count them) past her prime, VERY BLOODY S..C..ARY.


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A writer first, cat lover second, and some other stuff too. Human, with lots of faults, and terrible communication.
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