Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Jurassic World Review

I just moved to a new city, a new state, and hit the reset button on this website. I was told that Amazon links aren’t going to work within the frames, so the archives are going to get a little bit of a shift. However, from what I know about these things, most of you aren’t clicking on anything, or buying from the links, so who gives a flying you know what. This weekend, as I settled into a new city, I went to the movies to see what the hype was all about with the new Jurassic World movie. It turns out, it’s a big pile of trash.

Nonsensical Decision Making

First and foremost, the characters all make and say the most asinine things, without any form of continuity. Sure, there are some that may argue about duality, or split personality or rationale, but there are some concrete elements that aren’t very good. For instance, the owner of the park wants to push the legacy of Hammond (the old guy in the original), but later doesn’t want to kill a serious threat to the safety of the park’s visitors because they’ve invested far too much money. This sort of dichotomy doesn’t make any sense, considering the character’s role. Oh, and of course, he dies by his own foreshadowing. This is not just him, there are several rash decisions. Not only that, why are villains just villains? There’s no storytelling, no reasoning, no greed, no back story, just stupidity. At one point the hero punches another for NO reason, none at all. Just because? Why? No explanation, we just have to accept it.

A Monster Movie None The Less

Let’s not fool ourselves. This is not an epic movie. The sweeping, and empathetic elements of Jurassic Park, the original are gone. This is a void piece of garbage. The cash grabs for Starbucks, Mercedes, Jamba Juice, Dairy Queen, and lots of other sponsors blatantly in the film doesn’t add up for me. The sweeping shots of the Mercedes emblem is far pushier than the original. Not to mention, the characters play absolutely dumb one minute, than smart the next, and even genius level when two kids miraculously know how to put an old Jeep Wrangler together after it’s been sitting idle for at least 20 years.

See Carnosaur Instead

Overall, Jurassic World has a good premise, but it’s a far cry from the intelligence of the original novel, and even the movie. If you hated Jurassic Park 2 and 3, then this is going to be right there with them. This movie was NOT needed, and plays with your logic worse than any horror movie I’ve seen in a long time. I would not recommend spending $34 to see this. That’s my total and I struggled to stay awake with this terribly plotted, ridiculous movie.

Then again, dinosaurs are cool? At least Carnosaur didn’t have the pretense. Jurassic World is the “hipster” of dino-monster movies. Yeah, I said it.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Tusk Review

Kevin Smith made one of my favorite movies. When “Clerks” came out, I was 11. I didn’t know that just a few years later I would fall in love with being a video store clerk. To this day, I wish I was jocking a counter instead of being an idiot. I loved every minute of it. However, today, is not about the past, it’s about the future, or rather present, or something. Today I will be trying to make sense of a movie that my wife decided to nearly throw a shoe at. “Tusk” is a movie that will divide your senses as you perceive it as a dark comedy, or a horror movie. Whatever the case is, this is one hell of a narrative.

The setup is simple. An abusive, idiot of a douche played by Justin Long is on his way to interview an internet sensation. He has a podcast that talks about weird people, and things. He ventures to Canada where he finds himself at a loss. The interviewee dies and he’s left without someone to interview. Told through flashbacks, however, is his life with his girlfriend and friend. It turns out he’s not such a good guy and you start thinking that he deserves whatever is coming to him. What he ends up moving forward with will have you creeped out, especially after you realize that this concept is based on a story that Kevin Smith came up with after reading Craigslist ads.

The movie moves towards horror in the mid-section. Our interviewer meets an eccentric old man who literally turns the guy into a walrus. That’s right, gore and all the dude turns his victims into walruses, and that sparks his friends to come search for him. Well, that leads to a midpoint of boredom. Johnny Depp shows up as a detective, although his story takes too much time to explain, and nearly forced me to sleep.

All in all, “Tusk” is a horror movie with comedy elements. There are some sick moments, some absolute twisted elements. However, there are also comedic disjointed positions. Overall, it’s a movie that fills the time with “what if”, and then launches you into a “Twilight Zone” level production. The end result is one of my favorites, seeing as this movie appears to be more related to a grindhouse film than anything else. It’s slick, it’s done well, it lags a bit here and there, but in the end, you go full Walrus. I loved it. I recommend “Tusk” as an oddity of horror and comedy. I think Troma should’ve done this one, but that’s just me. Smith does well here, and it shows. Check it out on blu ray today.

Friday, April 17, 2015

The Leprechaun Is Coming

Just when you think I left, I come back with a slew of reviews. First up, Tusk, then I’m coming to hit you guys with the Leprechaun series. If you have been following my website for some time, you will know that I only reviewed 1 Leprechaun movie, and therefore we’re going to have to take a trip back in time to first look at that. Then come back with a compelling slew of reviews for all 2 of you that remember this site.

In the meantime, please visit this link here to ensure you catch my review of the only Leprechaun movie I reviewed on this site. I’m coming with more reviews shortly. Tonight I may catch “Unfriended” that’s for sure.

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Thursday, January 22, 2015

5 Novels Scarier Than Most Horror Movies

As I type this a molar is fighting my gums, and trying to get out of the burial of my jaw. Why are wisdom teeth extractions cosmetic? It hurts, but what hurts more is the fact that “Covered California” should’ve helped me get this taken care of, but instead, nope, they have frozen me out of getting coverage. That’s ok, I’m here with another illuminating post about scary stuff. Here are 5 novels that are scarier than most horror movies, but then again, I’ve read the Bible so that ranks top in my view. What? You don’t like non-fiction? What? It’s fiction too? Allegory maybe, but that’s not for debate here, what is for debate is whether or not these novels are scarier than hell or rather just another sad sack list of horror movies or rather books to ignore.

Terror by Dan Simmons

It was negative 8 degrees in Moscow, Idaho. I mention that because that was during the winter before my divorce in which I read this book. This is a dense historical fiction, and it is one of the toughest books to read when you’re freezing to death. I was so cold my bones hurt, and I didn’t find enough warm clothing to help, which made for a great deal of ambience amidst the 1845 Franklin Expedition that this book talks about. Going to the Arctic Circle 2 ships get stuck, and what they find is that it isn’t just space where no one can hear you scream, it’s here on earth, in the coldest of weather. Great horror fiction and historical fiction done right, but again, this is a dense book full of description up front. If you can pass the slow parts, you are going to get hit with a horrific story that will definitely pair well in cold weather.

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

For some reason I was thinking of Wanda Jackson, but this is not the same person or the same genre at all. The Haunting of Hill House runs up a grand story of, well, a haunted hose. Better than the movie adaptations, this is a creepy book that peels away your skin slowly. It ramps up the horror in a very nuanced manner, and you are not going to get all the answers as something bad happens at every turn of the page. Jackson’s novel still bears more horror than the latest in cinema, that’s for sure.


The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty

To this day, a modern tale of horror has enough gusto to pull your guts out. Forget what you’ve seen in the movies, this novel still gets a lot of people scared. If you’re a religious person, then there are going to be pages that you are going to absolutely be afraid of, but as you progress through this somewhat detective horror story, you are going to definitely enjoy yourself. It’s stronger than the original film, and your imagination can work wonders to scare you during the day and the night.

John Dies At The End by David Wong

David Wong has found a way to make absurd horror stories, and yet still pull you into the 1980s splatterpunk genre. Wong’s book was translated into a pretty cool movie, but as you turn the page, it’s incredibly different and dare I say harder hitting than the movie. There’s just so much going on here, as if R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps series grew up and married Barker’s nightmare landscapes. Wong has a way of shoving you into a seriously comedic romp, while still tugging at the gore levels and horror elements that made movies like “Nightmare on Elm Street” famous. This may have a mixed bag, but at the core of the book and Wong’s second book, horror reigns.

The Shining by Stephen King

Sure, Stephen King may think of himself as the “Big Mac and Fries” of literature, but this is not afternoon picnic. “The Shining” translates well to supernatural horror, madness, and isolation. It speaks volumes through prose that the movie failed to capture. At the same time, it creates enduring characterizations, fights demons, and aspires to be the greatest horror novel ever written, and does so by throwing Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley into a closet and setting them on fire. Not a vampire tale, not a monster lurking, but rather the human mind, spirituality, and a cold snap that will break your fingers as you turn the page. The “King” of horror definitely pulled your eyelids off when this book was released and it still gets praised for it.

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Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Lords of Salem Review

Rob Zombie burst onto the movie scene with his “House of 1,000 Corpses” and levied that into a career as a director. While some people hated his work on “Halloween”, others thought that the visionary director had something to offer the community as a whole. With the release of “The Lords of Salem” the hype surrounding his directorial work was definitely at an all-time high. Then the movie came out and a lot of people threw in the towel, their hands up in the air and claimed that he had lost it. Even though there are a lot of people that hate this movie, I think that it comes across 100 million times better than “Drag Me To Hell”, which I thought was garbage and terribly made by a veteran director. This movie was not rated Pg-13, it was rated R for a reason, it’s a HORROR MOVIE!

Visually, Zombie found a way to create a compelling, lavish art house film. There is a very beautiful array that comes through every frame of this movie, and it’s atmospheric from the first moments on the screen to the finish line. There’s attention to the colors, the set pieces, and everything works together in a very Kubrick like manner. You are going to swear that you’re watching something older than the past few years because this type of cinematography doesn’t usually hit the screen very often. The rich reds, greens, blacks, reds, and golden rod all hit the screen hard, and I was definitely impressed with the change from the dark and gloomy elements that he worked with in other movies, to this jump into what the foreign horror movies of the 1970s and 1980s were bringing.

Lords of Salem's Striking Use of Color
The movie revolves around a coven that has picked a vessel in modern times to bring forth a reckoning. A child is birthed, although the story is somewhat convoluted, through the sequences of a radio DJ playing a record that has been delivered to her. The movie then progresses and we get a writer trying to figure out a melody that is droning on and on and familiar in a way. The writer recognizes it as a melody for an old coven, and he quickly tries to figure out why it is being played on the radio. Through the narrative we get a slow burn that leaves us with no answers, except for a news reel that plays at the end.

Overall, “The Lords of Salem” is a visual masterpiece. Rob Zombie went for broke on this one, and truly delivers a “unique” vision. It may not make a lot of sense at times, but there’s enough visual direction and art to make this one of the most unique horror movies to come out in a long time. I cannot think of another movie that has the same kind of compelling visualization, and I’ve written this blog for a long time. I’ve read the complaints on this movie and you know what? If you didn’t like this at all, you’re an idiot and perhaps you shouldn’t watch horror movies any longer. This isn’t particularly scary, it’s just visually compelling in a way that few horror movies in the modern scope are.
Visual Design Is The Strong Suit of Zombie's Lords of Salem
Then again, there’s a very distinct disconnect when you see the latex baby…I’ll leave it at that. “Lords of Salem” is best enjoyed on blu ray like I did, and definitely an underrated piece of horror from recent releases. I have seen a lot of recent movies, and most don't have the same kind of visual collateral. Sure, Zombie's storytelling leaves something to be desired, but as far as a movie that isn't a rehash, or a reboot. It's an original picture that deserves far more credit than it gets. Sheri Moon Zombie does well here, and so do the other actors. I liked it.

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