The Skin I Live In Review

The Skin I Live In - Blu Ray/DVD Combo Available Here

Pedro Almodovar put together one of the most compelling and horrific movies I’ve ever seen. I forget to talk about it, so today, we’re going to take a look back at the 2011 movie “The Skin I Live In”, as it is one of the most horror filled, psychological thrillers I’ve ever seen. It’s a very fascinating movie that moves towards horror as the story reveals. It’s perhaps the finest Spanish movie I’ve seen in a long time, and if you haven’t seen it, oh boy, you’re in for a serious trip.

The movie is simple enough. A plastic surgeon has been working towards helping create a resource for individuals that have skin disorders. He works on mice, and there’s been great results. He talks about how he has been working with live individuals, and upon doing so, he is fired. The doctor now without help is told to stop experimenting immediately, etc.

Top 5 Japanese Monster Movies of All Time

Japanese monster movies have a life of their own. They are not just one sided, and they are not just based on Godzilla. Some are laughable, some are grand but no matter how you want to label them, you’ll find that the influence they have made on Hollywood is extraordinary. You may find that even today, the thrill of the mega monster movie is alive and well, and that’s not just because Godzilla just pulled $93 million at the box office over the weekend. Compiling this list was not easy, but hey, someone’s got to do it right? It’s with that in mind that I present to you the top 5 Japanese Monster Movies of all time! You can purchase these by visiting Amazon HERE, otherwise miss out on the biggest and the best.

King Kong Escapes (1967)

Dr. Who has created a mechanized monster that looks exactly like King Kong and is looking for Element X. It is found deep in the caverns of the North Pole, and fails due to the cold. At that point the mad scientist goes to Mondo Island to capture the beast known as Kong. The plot thickens and it’s like a poorly constructed version of the 1933 movie, only with robotic Kong as the villain and the Tokyo Tower playing as the backdrop for an epic battle. This one had me laughing, and I love the parody, even if it wasn’t intentional. This was just cool, I don’t know what else to say about it, and even the poster is cool. Watching Kong take on a metal counterfeit is pretty cool, and this one has a lot more appeal than just the poster, so watch out for it. I should've positioned it higher on my list, now that I think about it.

Matango (1963)

I saw this when I was a kid, thanks in large part to VHS and it’s awesome. A shipwreck lands a group of people on a far off island, and there they find wild mushrooms, but that’s not all, they discover Mushroom People! This iconic horror film is more comedic in nature, and on par with “Plan 9 From Outer Space”. There are some bleak tones, and themes that are beyond the imagination of average horror and fantasy movies. The weird science fiction elements play well with the mad scientist idea that comes at the beginning. This may not be the pinnacle of monster movies, nor is it going to sit well with many, but I think it’s a fine monster flick from Japan.

Goke (1968)

Goke is also known as Body Snatcher From Hell and other titles in the United States. The movie features a mix of vampire lore, and monster movie moments. Some people compare the movie to “Lost” but I find it more on par with a vampiristic type of horror movie. The survivors here face a fate worse than death, as they must fight to live amidst what very well maybe the best vampires coming out of Japan. There’s a lot of little things that make this one a classic, more than I can really talk about in a quick blurb here. Over time it has become one of the cult classics that has seen numerous releases, and lots of praise from more fans than just my pesky list.

Gamera 3 (1999)

I was in high school when I got a bootleg copy of this movie and it’s one fine monster movie. Gamera returns from the edges of lackluster film, and brings about one of the best comebacks ever. So much so that the critics and most fan boys agree that the special effects and story found in this one is top notch. Some critics even noted that the movie plays on an “X-Files” note, and it really does do more for the genre than most other movies that mimicked the success of Godzilla and the original Gamera. Some people don’t like this monster, but I’ve always liked the notion, perhaps it’s because I like turtles. Gamera is badass in this movie, just simply badass!


Godzilla (1954)

The mother of them all, right? Godzilla’s initial movie came out in 1954 and sparked incredible interest from all over the world. The movie presents a lot of science fiction tones, and can be seen as funny at times, but it’s quite the accomplishment for movie making. The plot involves a giant monster that ravages Tokyo with heavy devastation not unlike World War II. The special effects were top notch, the critical reception was grand, and it has changed the face of the monster movie in a lot of ways. Sure, King Kong from the 30s was grand, but compared to the rampage that Godzilla brings out, Kong is outmatched. This is the #1 monster movie from Japan, hands down.

There you have it, 5 of the best monster movies that have come out of Japan ever. If you are going to go back and see these iconic pieces of cinema, please purchase the dvd or stream them from Amazon here. It will help me get this site more reviews and possibly get a prize for you 3 or so readers still interested in what I do here.

Cockneys vs Zombies Review

Not another zombie movie, I thought to myself when my girlfriend decided to play this the other night. I’m a jaded horror movie fan, and it’s been a while since anything has caught my eye. Then the movie progressed, and I was hooked. Cockneys vs Zombies is not your traditional zombie movie, although there are a few things that you will definitely catch in the same light that you will from other movies. I found the beginning to be somewhat ok, but it’s the sum of the parts that really bring this movie to the top of my list of zombie creations in the recent years.

Some construction workers unearth a seal that brings about an outbreak in the East London area, and things really go south from there. Meanwhile, a group of young adults hatch a plan to rob a bank and save their grandparents from uncertain doom that will befall them when their retirement home closes down. That’s when we are introduced to Ray, the former gangster and one of the most badass characters ever concocted in zombie movie lore. Ray is awesome and I hope to be as badass as that character when I am an old dude. Sadly, I’ll probably be a stain on the underwear of old dudes, rather than some badass granddad. Heck, I don’t even have children.

The movie goes back and forth between the robbery, the group of friends, and the retirement home. Equal parts “Shaun of the Dead” and “Day of the Dead” this movie picks up fast, and doesn’t let you go. There’s some light hearted moments, and there are some harsh moments. The gore is amped up, the sequences are suspenseful, and there’s plenty of zombie madness to enjoy throughout this British horror film.

I found the movie to be entertaining, fast flowing, and definitely worth your time. I didn’t think it was the best production, but the characters were enough to hook me, especially the character of Ray and his old friends. I loved the nuances found between hardcore gore and CG effects which were done really well at times. For this being a lower budget film, it really did take on the best of the mainstream, and I enjoyed it greatly.

I highly recommend Cockneys vs Zombies, as it is a fun romp. It’s comedic at times, it’s predictable at others, and it is just overall an entertaining horror comedy. I can’t say enough about it. It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a while that really grabbed me, and that’s a great thing. Pick up the movie by going to amazon here, or whatever it is you do to see movies. I don’t know.

Hell’s Ground Review

The Middle East is not known for their horror movies. They just aren’t. That’s why “Hell’s Ground” is so special, it’s straight out of Pakistan. That’s right, it’s a Pakistani horror movie and they do something that shocks your senses, even if the story is somewhat derivative. I’m not familiar with the culture there, but there are some notes in the movie that seem to point at the fact that the characters are getting what they deserve.

The story revolves around a group of teenagers or young adults, as they travel across their native land to check out some awesome rock music. Along the way the dead rise up, and they are victims of a treacherous, zombie like invasion. Mix equal parts slasher flick and zombie movie, and you get a sense of what you’re going to be getting with this one.

Gore is turned up to 11 here, and you’re going to get hit with it at all different sides of the proverbial coin. The kids are constantly asked why they aren’t doing more beneficial things instead of questing to see a band. This definitely points to the fact that the culture doesn’t necessarily appreciate the notion of rock and roll, and therefore the characters are going to get gutted for their “sins”.

“Hell’s Ground” is not an amazing movie. If you put it into context, however, you see something special. It’s a novelty horror movie at best, but one that is definitely needed in the cluster of terrible movies we’re seeing coming out today. It came out in 2007, and it holds up somewhat well. It’s a good flick to check out, whenever you’re out of movies to see. Chances are, no one in your party has seen this one, so buy it and enjoy the schlock. I give it thumbs up, and all that jazz.

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out amazon.com, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

3 Cool Euro Trash Blu Ray Discs To Buy

When it comes to European trash movies, I’m a big fan. Whether it’s exploring the evil and satanic nuns of Italian and Spanish fame, or I’m knee deep in the rape-revenge flicks that sliced in pornographic scenes with femme fatales that would put shotguns in the mouths of their oppressors, I love the genres that came out of this era of exploitation cinema.

Today, I wanted to veer into some of my favorites and just recommend that you please help this blog by checking them out, purchasing them, or at least helping me out by going to amazon.com here, and picking up whatever you’d like. I’m 100% freelance and write for a living, so I’m not making billions, and need your help.

Here are 3 cool Eurotrash Blu Ray discs to purchase today:



Baron Blood Blu Ray – Mario Bava really turns up the scar tactics in this story about a Student abroad trying to learn about his family. This movie plays on the sadist ideologies that seemed to run rampant in the exploitation genre, but you’ll find that it’s not exactly gore filled, despite an awesome disc cover. Pre-order this one at a major savings.



Amer Blu Ray – One of the most interesting and beautiful pieces of giallo cinema is found in this 1970s Italian euro trash picture. It might be mislabeled but when you get to the eroticism that is presented here, you’ll understand why even a high definition transfer doesn’t change the notion. You’ll find the transfer to be one of the best reasons to own a blu ray player today.



Living Dead Girl Blu Ray – This French film ties together the hysterics of toxic waste and earthquakes into a terrifying tale about when zombies rise from the grave to feed on the flesh and blood of humans. This transfer is amazing, and you get an awesome amount of features to go with the bloodlust that is sure to entice even the most jaded of horror movie fans.

More Horror Film Remakes Better Than The Originals

More often than not, attempts to remake a film often lack the vision, atmosphere, or wow-factor as the original. Let's just face it: you just shouldn't mess with a good thing. If it's not broken, don't fix it. It's very rare that a remake is just as good as the original, rarer still when the remake is actually better.

To prove the point, here are five remakes that blow their parent material out of the water.

The Blob (1988)

Nothing can stop the blob! Or can it? Released thirty years after the original, this remake recreates the sense of popcorn-snacking fun while adding more action and sense of urgency that the original lacked thanks to a more aggressive titular gelatinous alien and increased gore factor. But the ultimate perk? Actors that made more believable “teenagers” than Steve McQueen ever could. Oh and Shawnee Smith is in this one...you know, the hot chick from Saw?

The Thing (1982)

Not to be confused with the dude from The Fantastic Four, this is a remake of the '50's classic, The Thing from Another World. Breathing life into an old, crusty black and white from the early days of science fiction fright-fests, John Carpenter (a master of thrillers in his own right), takes masterful control and takes this grisly creature-feature and turns it into a paranoid psychological thriller.

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

A third indication that most good remakes should have a 25-30 year buffer zone from the original, House on Haunted Hill revamps the tale of a challenge to spend a night in a haunted house and infuses it with edgy direction and better special effects that make the original's skeleton in the closet on a string and other visual fright gags seem more silly and less terrifying.

The Ring (2002)

Of all the remakes of Japanese horror films, The Ring is easily the best. Compared to The Grudge or One Missed Call, The Ring articulately captures the ghost-story creepiness of Ringu. Gore Verbinski's stellar direction and fantastic performances from the cast, it's quite possible to say that this American version is just a tad more polished than the original.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

This might seem as total blasphemy to say that the remake of George Romero's classic zombie flick is better than the original, but this remake actually tops it in almost every way except for originality. Zack Snyder took Romero's groundwork and kicked it up several notches to fully capture the scope and feel of a totally possible zombie apocalypse. Yeah, they cranked up the action and manipulated the plot to make it more palatable to Hollywood, but it strangely works. Except that zombie baby. I still get nightmares from that.

Honorable Mention: Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Technically, it's a sequel. But let's be real: this was a bigger budget remake of The Evil Dead, and as a bonus? It was directed by Sam Raimi, who brought us the original and starred the exceptionally gifted chin of Bruce Campbell as the chainsaw wielding Ash. Shop smart, shop S-Mart.

If you don't believe me, try a side-by-side comparison one night and you be the judge.

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5 More Bad Horror Remakes

Hollywood can't seem to resist breathing new life into old ideas. Remakes are about as certain as death and taxes these days, and the horror genre has had it's fair share of hits and misses when it comes to that department. When they are good, they can be very, very good. But when they are bad? Lets just say sometimes, you need a bad movie night.

Here's five of the worst horror remakes to watch, lampoon, and parody.

Psycho (1998)

It's one thing to remake a film, another to do a shot-for-shot remake of the influential Hitchcock classic that was a precursor to the whole slasher film genre. Gus Van Stant's experiment in attempting to breathe new life into a classic falls flat with a lack of originality and bad casting choices. Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates sadly couldn't capture the boy-like sensitivity and disturbed innocence that Anthony Perkins portrayed on scene. In retrospect, this foray into remakes only highlights Hitchcocks brilliant capabilities.

One Missed Call (2008)

Of all the American remakes of Japanese horror films, this one definitely rates as the worst among them. This ghost story about a curse spread through cell phones seemed more plausible in the able hands of Takashi Miike, who directed the original. This version is blandly told with generic, pointless "scary images," and a groan-inducing ending that would make you wish that chick from The Ring would put you out of your misery.

The Wicker Man (2006)

This movie can best be summed up at this: watch a manic Nicolas Cage get stung by bees, manhandle children, yell at children, bike jack an elementary school teacher, go undercover in a bear suit, yell at some more people, sucker punch a woman in the face and then kick Leelee Sobieski into next week. Sometimes I think this was meant to be more of a dark comedy than a proper remake of the 1973 original, but we all have to admit: Nick Cage is good at parodying himself, and it's hilarious to watch.

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1996)

Meet Kenneth Branagh, perhaps one of the best Shakespearean actors of our time. See him as he directs this vanity piece interpretation of the 1818 novel that is manically paced, pretentious, and unintentionally hilarious as he wrestles a naked Robert DeNiro in baby oil while the titular monster skulks around like a master ninja against sweeping backdrops. Branagh's grandiose style of acting makes Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man look subtle and nuanced, and that's saying something.


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Let the Right one In vs Let Me In

Every now and then, while perusing through the film section of a local media boutique, or hanging out at a hole-in-the-wall art hause coffee shop, a little known foreign film is recommended by the employees or a management attempting to appear trendy or hip. Sometimes those films are horrifically bad (like 2002's “Pinocchio”, written, directed, and starring Roberto Benigni) while others are unexpected cinematic journey's just waiting to be experienced.




Such is the case with “Let The Right One In”, a 2008 Swedish soul (and blood) sucking “romantic” horror film that leaves you breathless, wondering, and wanting more. Based on John Aivide Lindqvist's novel of the same name, it recounts the relationship of Oskar, a 12-year-old boy bullied by schoolmates and stuck in the middle of his divorced parents, who develops a dark friendship with Eli, a child-of indeterminate gender in a Stockholm Suburb.

Unbeknownst to Oskar in the beginning, Eli is a vampire and is protected by Håkan – a sort of guardian for the under-age appearing Eli. It is Håkan who is responsible for procuring nourishment for the reclusive Eli, who like Oskar, is very lonely. The entire gritty and dark photography in the film plays off of that sense of a foreboding loneliness that both Oskar and Eli share, though Eli moreso than Oskar.

Without spoiling too much of the plot, one failed attempt at bringing Eli's dinner begins a chain reaction of events that culminates in a very open-to-a-sequel ending.




The 2010 American remake of “Let The Right One In”, renamed to “Let Me In”, and starred Chloë Grace Moretz of “Kick-Ass” fame. While it follows the majority of the same story, there are a few key elements that were changed to make it more accessible to it's American audience: the Swedish names were changed to English ones, the location moved from a suburb of Stockholm to Los Alamos, New Mexico, and the lingering mystery of Eli's gender is thrown out entirely as Eli is now a more decidedly feminine sounding “Abby”.

But which is better: the original or the remake? It's so easy to hold the original as the gold-standard to compare all others against, but at the same time, you really can't. Especially not when both are merely interpretations of the same source material.

Both films are have great heart-caught-in-your-throat moments, often of the same scene, but the directors and the young actors involved in both the Swedish film and the American remake each bring their own interpretation to an intensely dark film, so much to the point that they need to be viewed as two separate entities rather than an original and a remake.

It is very rare to encounter two films like these that can stand side by side and not be entirely dwarfed by one or the other, and these two fine examples of macabre cinema do just that without sacrificing quality or story.

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Nightmares Review

Just when I think I’m going to get a winning movie full of all the things that I enjoy from the scary movie genre, I get hosed bad. The movie I’m going to review today is a movie that was originally titled “Stage Fright”, but has been changed into the working title “Nightmares”. When I first started watching this, my ears nearly started to bleed, because the accents. I thought for sure I had entered the realm of a British horror movie. Then I scrambled and realized that this was not a British favorite, it was none other than another Ozploitation film, much in the vein of Argento or Bava. With that in mind, I went forth and was completely bored with the 80 minutes of slow moving, piece of crap movie that stars Jenny Neumann.

The movie opens up in a weird way. A young girl discovers her mom getting it on with a random dude. The first thing that I noticed was how tame the lovemaking was. If lovemaking were this tame in real life, I’d be a eunuch. In fact, it’s so bad that I swear the two didn’t even go through middle school health class. This of course traumatizes the little kid, and we fast forward to another place and time. On a dark road we are presented with another odd story.

We see the girl in the back of a car while her mom and her boyfriend or some dude start kissing up in the front seat. They continue to make out much to the child’s protest, and when she forces her hand, kaboom! Mom goes through the windshield and we are treated with some sick gore, and awesome moments of terror. But after this set up, we get roughly 40 minutes of boredom, and I forget why I submit to random crap.

We fast forward to the present time and the girl is now an older woman and an actress and when the body count of her drama peers starts to rise, she thinks that she is the one…but really it’s not what she thinks at all.

Another slow moving movie from the 1980s, and this one comes to us from the Australian film industry, which is usually on point with their exploitation stuff. This film just suffers from pacing, bad acting, and terrible narrative. The story is there somewhere, but it lacks that push that Bava or Argento had when they were making their classic mystery horror pieces. If you’re expecting gore, nudity, or anything else that made this a grindhouse instant classic, it’s void. You are going to be bored, much like I was, and unless you’re a diehard horror movie collector, you most likely are going to avoid this one.

Nightmares is really not a great movie, but it’s not the worst I’ve ever seen. Check it out if you have nothing better to watch, or you’re at work and the website you work on goes down for a few hours. Other than that, pass on this, but hey, buy the dvd from the links provided, I need the money and you need to get a good collection of movies up.



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Rubber Review

I love a good independent film, but I haven’t seen a whole lot of greatness since I reviewed “Blood Car” all those years ago. This latest trek into grindhouse cinema was supposed to be a stellar flick with lots of gore, but instead, I fell asleep twice, and wondered if anyone could appreciate what is essentially the worst idea in horror. The movie I’m talking about right now is none other than Rubber.

Now, before I get some angry mail, I know that this is not a “serious” horror flick, but it poses itself as a comedic romp. The film directed by Quentin Dupieux looks great, and has a lot of great sequences in terms of cinema. The lighting, the close ups, editing, sound, and lots of mannerism between the tire and the exploding bodies that accrue through the film are quite well done all things considered. A lot of straight to dvd studios can learn a lot from the way that this film is shot and edited.

But just because this piece of crap is polished and is worth watching, doesn’t mean that you are getting some top-notch movie quality. In fact, this boring, slow moving movie had me falling asleep twice. I had to take 2 viewings to get through it all, and it is a BS.

If you watch this piece of crap, you will notice that the antagonist is nothing more than a tire. The tire plays villain through this film and it can be likened to a slasher flick in many ways. The slashings are insane, with heads blowing up, bodies fighting to stay alive, and random things. Every aspect of the film has the antagonist acting just like you would think a very smart villain would. The police finally gets into this film and we get into a major killing sequence in the end, and oh yes…. sequel material, but I won’t go into that aspect.

Rubber is not scary, it’s partially horror, and it moves about as slow as you would expect a tire to move. The film has a self-awareness to it that’s quite interesting, but overall, I don’t know if I would recommend this to everyone. It’s not that great, it’s kind of boring. Watch it if you want something original and off the wall, don’t watch it if you are into fast paced slasher or horror films.

Final Destination 5 Review

I’m going to start this review by apologizing to all you 3 readers that are out there still hoping for a comeback. I have had a hard time this year fighting depression, and other things, but you know what? I’m feeling good, good enough to see yet another steaming pile of dog poop we call horror movie production. The latest project I get to review for this site is none other than the hundred million dollar grossing film Final Destination 5 and man do I wish I didn’t see it. There are only a select few franchises in horror that get dawned with five movies back to back, and aside from Saw the recent movies haven’t been that great. This is an example of how you can make a cash grab with 3D and get people like me upset at the same time.

Final Destination is a headache inducing film. The acting is beyond bad, and the visuals are all poorly done, with the exception of some of the death sequences which is the only reason why anyone would want to see this film in the first place. I found the opening deaths from the bridge to be laughable, as the laws of physics just didn’t seem to match up with what I would assume was a death plunge. I bet a lot of people would survive the whole thing, but hey, that’s just my take on things.

There was an interesting subplot in the film that I thought seemed fitting, the whole going nuts and becoming a slasher film fit in with my distraught mind as I was trying to make sense of this whole franchise. Then out of the blue they killed off that person, and then well….the movie really jumped the shark as the end came to fruition.

This film sucked. I hated it. You probably hated it. I can’t believe I had to sit through this drivel, and it made so much money. I’m upset that Final Destination 5 makes hundreds of millions of dollars, and yet I’m stuck here making a pauper’s salary. I’ll review something else…in the near future. But first, I have to forget that I ever saw this.

Throne of Blood Review

I thought that this film was a more straightforward horror film, just because of the name, but as it continued to display on screen, I realized that this film is nothing more than an adaptation of the Macbeth play. Throne of Blood is not necessarily a scary film, but it is a very good morality tale with lots of twists and turns, set in Feudal Japan.

The story revolves around a military battle. The battle ends up being played out often off screen with much dialogue coming through to tell of what has happened. Two warriors are trapped in a forest and amidst the density they find a woman who predicts great things for one and not so great things for the other. Meanwhile the two end up rising through separate areas, one of which is pushed to take over the Emperor, the other becoming the emperor and this film goes off the rails midway through.

The movie really is played out nicely by the actors and the screenplay, acted out with entertainment, yet with a nostalgia look that is uncanny, gripping the viewer with emotional swiftness, and making it quite intriguing to watch. There is no major gore, the black and white tone doesn’t really allow for much, but the use of fog, cold, shadow and more, really made for some spooky settings at times.

I found this film to be far better than other Shakespeare adaptations, and the dark themes really pushed the envelope to more of a scarier version than anything you might see stolen by Disney. While this is not a horror film, I found it horrific, in the way it juxtaposes emotional discord in ancient Japan with how modern thought is. If you can connect the dots of intellectual nuances, you will find this to be a thrilling piece of cinema, even if it does seem a bit slow at times. Sure it’s not horror, but man doe sit have a few moments that are so tense, you can feel it in your soul.

Lair of The White Worm Review

Ah yes, I’m back again with another review, and this time around it features Hugh Grant. Remember him? He’s that guy that got in trouble for banging that hooker here in Los Angeles. Too bad he was dating Elizabeth Hurley at the time, man I’d love to hang out with her…but I’ll digress. Lair of the White Worm is the film that I’ll be talking about today, or at least I’ll try to talk about it.

This film is about an archeologist that discovers a rare skull and turns out is a large snakehead. The snake is of a mythical creature that was worshiped there for centuries. Now when an immortal priestess catches wind she steals the skull and then sacrifices it to her god…or so she tries.

The film switches between the nerds and this really hot woman played by Amanda Donohoe. She’s like a snake vampire, and takes out a few people before she kidnaps a young woman and is about to feed her to what is now discovered as a real creature, the White Worm!

That’s about as simple of a plot point I can bring up. However, the film has some strange turns in the middle. There are some weird dream sequences, highly sexual innuendo featuring a ballpoint pen, stewardesses fighting, orgies featuring a snake, the crucifixion, Roman soldiers and so much more. The film goes off the rails so much that by the time you realize that this is a tongue and cheek horror film; you don’t really care any longer.

The film is based on a novel by Bram Stoker and I thought it was British, but I couldn’t find it. It might be Scottish, it might not be, I don’t know. The film was slow moving; the gore was laughable, except for a sick eyeball gauge, which was cool. The white worm effects were quite good, and the vampire/snake woman that gets eaten alive was awesome.

Lair of the White Worm is a cool movie, with some strange dream points. I didn’t really find the acting good, and some of the scenes were stupid. However, there was enough gusto here and there to keep me watching, and the ending was quite good. I loved the White Worm that looked like a penis flying out of a butthole, and sucking up a vampire/snake woman. Yeah, this movie was not a great one, but heck, I didn’t expect much from this 1988 film starring Hugh Grant. The last shot of the film was cool though, even if the rest of the film lacked something.

Second Opinion: The Hunchback of the Morgue Review

And now a second opinion, written by Dollface.

The Hunchback of the Morgue is a Spanish film directed by Javier Aguirre, from 1973, and as you might know was watched by Sir Jorge, and myself; Dollface.

Set in a small German village with people of an incredibly asshole like in nature and a hunchback that works in a morgue, which they enjoy tormenting on a regular basis. This film is for anyone who enjoys movies so horrible, that they become hysterical.

Full of ridiculous fake blood, and unnecessary, yet amusing bondage scenes between women in a hospital, a badly made monster costume that looks comparable to what South Parks “Mister Hankey” would look like as a walking turd, and (what I believe to be ) an ass kicking hunchback with severe separation anxiety and sexual frustration, you won’t be dissapointed.

Oh, and that’s not forgetting this was a movie made overseas, so, it has HORRIBLY funny voice-overs of every stereotypical American accent you can imagine.

My opinion?

If movies could be based on cheese? This one is Kraft. Its the cheesiest!

The Hunchback of the Morgue Review

There are a lot of Spanish movies that I just don’t get, and then there are some that boring throughout, then throw you so much gore and stupidity, that by the end of the film you’re not sure what you saw. The Hunchback of the Morgue is one of those films that has you somewhere in between. I fell asleep at one point, but woke up long enough to see the ending.

The film is about an outcast that works inside a morgue. His hunchback makes him a target for bullies, and when his only friend dies, he vows to bring her back from the grave. He starts this vow by killing two orderlies and spilling guts all over the place. The bright red goo is a sight to see, and brings the R rating straight to the forefront of this film.

After the initial body parts, you have to sit through a Frankenstein type of story where zombies are being made by a mad scientist, and then things get out of control. The film ends up with a weird finish and the hunchback doesn’t seem to get the victory in the end, nor do I think he was supposed to.

Gotho (the hunchback) is a sad moronic character that has some retard-strength. The Frankenstein mix up was kind of interesting, and the zombie twist wasn’t something I saw coming. The movie was boring, it had bad pacing, but it did have a lot of red in between a few more less than prominent points of interest. I don’t think the film is worth it, but my girlfriend thought it was rad and recommends it. I was too tired to care. 1973 wasn’t a great year for horror, but hey, Spanish cinema has some terrible movies to offer, this isn’t one of them. I didn’t like it that much, but it’s worth checking out just for sheer premise alone.

Who Can Kill A Child Review

There are a lot of different taboos in film, and one of them is killing children on film. For whatever reason, horror films don’t like to cross that boundary, but leave it to the Spanish to break the rules. In this film also known as Island of the Damned, a couple of tourists embark on a nice vacation, only to find one of the scariest things possible, an island full of psychotic children. Who Can Kill a Child is an insane 70’s film.

The movie is directed by Narciso Ibanez Serrador and visually looks good. Despite the age, this film had a lot of lovely shots that will make some people want to leave the couch and take a vacation across distant lands, and all that jazz. I thought it was interesting, but only because the rest of the film seemed to lag until the climax, where things really get going.

The main plot revolves around a British couple and their vacation. They go on a trip to find a ghost town of sorts. The town seems so abandoned that the guests aren’t sure what to do until they see a small child. They follow the kid only to see him beating an old man. The old man is just the first victim we see as the film unfolds to reveal that the children that run the island kill everyone that is an adult, and they have set their eyes on our couple.

The film takes a lot of time developing the obvious. I was tired and falling asleep until I realized that things were going to unhinge. When the crap hit the fan, and our pregnant woman dies, her husband fights the kids and like I said, breaks the ultimate taboo, he takes an automatic gun and shoots the crap out of a slew of kids as he runs away. He then gets on a boat and like a kung fu fighter starts beating the crap out of kids left and right, making sure to leave no stone unturned as he beats the hell out of children. The kids outnumber him, and when police arrive they see things backwards and kill our hero.

Then the kids set their eyes on the police and steal their boats…the last scene could very well set up a sequel. Who Can Kill A Child is insane, if you gut the second part of the film you get 30 minutes of craziness with a great final sequence and ending. If you’re a fan of 1970’s exploitation film, this one is going to be right up your alley. It has everything but the gratuitous sex, so maybe it’s not that great for some. I liked it. I think this film is ripe for a remake, especially since kids getting beaten on screen needs a revival. Those damn kids! Hipsters especially.

Martyrs Review

Ah yes, modern horror, it’s so random to see good pieces of horror in the modern era. I can count on my hands how many films I’ve seen that have been good from modern times. Then again, I’ve reviewed a lot of bad movies on this site from yesteryear, so maybe I’m just tired. This 2008 horror film that was produced by the French is one of the most brutal pieces of film making I’ve seen in a while. The film I will try to review, because we all know I’m a terrible reviewer is Martyrs.

The film begins with a creepy scene, a woman is running from what appears to be a prison or a warehouse and she has been terribly abused from the looks of it. When placed in an orphanage our heroine meets a friend, and the two friends have a weird kind of relationship. The movie turns quickly into a revenge plot with identity crisis thrown into the mix. Lucie (the opening victim) finds the people that did her wrong and with the help of Anna goes through a killing spree of epic proportions. This type of brutality and gore is sick, and sometimes just uncalled for. The problem I had with it was not so much how graphic the film was, but rather how there was the use of a “demon” that was only visible by one of the girls. I didn’t know what to make of that part of the film, and actually felt a bit odd about the whole thing.

As the scenario progresses a secret room is found and alongside the underground of this home are lines of chambers with women that are disfigured and bloody, abused and sickening. I couldn’t believe that the film took this sort of turn because it seemed to have ended with the aforementioned revenge plot. As the film continues Anna becomes the latest subject in what seems to be an insane experiment, and we get treated to more gore the likes that Hostel 2 wouldn’t even know what to do with.

The ending left me stupefied, and I was ready to hit the television. I didn’t like the stupid ending and the use of gore to prove that there is some sort of scary side of dying. Oh right, the last sequence was cool, I won’t give it away, but there is a message to the film that really plays with your head to the point where you’re going to wonder why you saw what you saw, and what the message truly is. I’m assuming Alex Jones would love the ending because he would twist it to say that is exactly what the New World Order and Illuminati are doing.

Martyrs is the hardest hitting movie I’ve seen in a long time. It seriously tore the house down with gore, sick and punishing gore, revenge, and all from a female perspective. Not since “Run Bitch Run” have I cheered so much for the women in the film. But after all the cheering, the movie takes one of the most sinister turns, making it a sick and twisted journey of the mind. The final credits were disturbing, and well, the film does pack one hell of a punch. I couldn’t believe I missed this one, and you’ll most likely enjoy it. They are making a remake of this one, so look out for water downed American version from the guys that brought you Twilight. Otherwise, wow, what a sick movie, a sure winner for Scary Film Review, that’s for sure.

Robo Vampire Review

Can Kung fu and horror mix well? The answer is an emphatic YES! This classic take on the mythos of vampirism takes a whole new meaning when in the hands of a kung fu director. Mixing elements of both exploitation and kung fu genres, this film mash up creates quite the compelling entry into the reviews of this site. Robo Vampire might be the best thing I’ve seen in a long time, and that’s saying a lot, because I see so much it’s ridiculous.

Vampires are the focal point of the film, as a heroin trade is relying heavily on the undead zombie like creatures to transport the drugs. But when law enforcement teams up with vigilantes a Robotic Vampire is created and he’s badass. Think of Robocop but Asian and less graphically and mechanically designed.

The film is quite interesting with a wide variety of different themes. The majority of the film is spent going through different spots where drugs are being transported, and then mixed in are fight scenes with either zombie vampires or robots. The martial arts is not great, the editing is poor, and the dubbing? Well the dubbing is not a whole lot better.

The movie is presented in Widescreen and the transfer is not half bad. There are some comical moments, and some random scenes of swimming in a pond or lake for no apparent reason. The movie really has a lackluster sense of plotting, and really gest tiring after a while. Despite the second act being laughable and even close to soft-core, the rest of the film has enough merit to mention.



The vampires, zombies and robotic elements create a unique spin on the classic vampire tale. Voodoo is introduced at one point, which is mixed with a magic set of kung fu weapons. The third act is confusing, and at one point the main characters are flying around, and just starting to throw out all the stops. I didn’t mind it, I liked being mindlessly entertained, and this film has a little bit of everything. It’s two movies with separate plots thrown together to make an interesting title somewhat feasible. I don’t know if I would recommend this film to everyone, but for my money, Robo Vampire is the best of both horror and kung fu…even if it does lack in the pacing, and editing, and well…plot. Who cares, I loved it.

P.S. Yes, I am well aware that this 1980's film is a complete rip off of Robo Cop, but do I care? Nope!

Ricco The Mean Machine Review

I was reading the back of this dvd cover and I really liked what the summary said. The box cover made Ricco The Mean Machine sound like the most violent movie ever made. It had pictures of gore, and it talked about how the film was previously released edited and chopped, but this is the first time it was released uncut, and with the original director’s intention. I couldn’t miss it, and so here I am trying to figure out how to review this supposedly violent film.

Ricco The Mean Machine is a slow moving revenge, exploitation film. Ricco gets out of jail and finds out that his sister is living with a mob boss named Don Vito, and his father has been brutally killed. Through the course of the film he seeks revenge, and as Vito finds out, he starts killing off Ricco’s family members.

The movie has only a couple of redeeming qualities. First of all, there is a lot of nudity, as is expected with foreign films. The beautiful women are quite a sight to see, and even better nude. While the sexual situations don’t really do much in the way of portraying realistic sex, it is enough to entice even the most jaded of viewer.

The second thing, and quite possibly the most violent thing I’ve seen in film in a long-time, involved infidelity. Don Vito catches his girlfriend messing around, so he orders his men to cut off the genitals of the man she’s sleeping with, and they proceed to do so and then stuff them into the mouth of the culprit. This is the most graphic, sick scene I’ve seen in a long time, and while you could tell it’s fake, it’s still a sickening piece of violence and gore, that makes this film worth sitting through.

The ending is rather boring, the film slowly crawls to a climax, and aside from about 5 minutes of gore, this film is not that great. The lackluster fight scenes should have been a red flag, but alas, I stuck with it, in hopes of the back cover being right and this movie being ultra violent. Sadly, Ricco The Mean Machine is not that violent or gorey, aside from the genital mutilation.

Satan's Blood Review

Oh, the Spanish, how lovely they are to me. One of my favorite adult movies features this Spanish bird, and well, I wish I could meet a girl from Spain, instead of sitting here on another weekend, alone, no woman, and dateless yet again. But that's neither here nor there, let's talk about the latest film for this review site, Satan's Blood. This 1978 horror movie features the best of everything that is good in horror and then some. In fact, I believe that this film is the best horror movie that I have seen this year, and that's saying a lot, because I see a lot of horror. The film was directed by Carlos Puerto, and recently came to the US in a full uncut, English dubbed version, and boy does it pack a punch.

Satan's Blood starts with a pornographic sex scene that involves a satan worshiping weirdo, and a lovely bird. The movie is so graphic that my sister and stepdad had to nearly leave the room, because it was quite insane. The movie can easily be confused as something unrelated, but trust me, get past the first ten minutes.

The movie slowly moves into a different plot theme. A couple drives through town only to get stopped by another couple that say they went to school together. The two catch up and are interested in going to have lunch off the side of the road. The mountain side castle like structure that the two couples end up at is quite crazy. It appears a lot like Dracula's castle in most horror vampire mythology. Once inside the couples start playing a weird game, and that leads to the greatest satanic sex orgy I've ever seen. Sure, the bumping and grinding wasn't that of "The Devil in Miss Jones" or anything like that, but it did have some similarities. The sexual situations force the couples into a weird union of satanism that really makes for quite the weird next few scenes. At one point there is a weird rape sequence that is never fully explained.

The film moves forward with relative ease, and lots of gore, and sick moments. The film takes the high road towards the end, and I was predicting a trivial identity crisis ending, but nope, the film gets into some strange lands, particularly with the introduction of a porcelain doll that bleeds. The doll is one of the creepiest points in the film, making for a side show horror piece that makes the film palpable in terms of terror. The ending twist is what really grabbed me.

I won't reveal the twist, but boy did it have some great moments. The realization that the whole scenario was a set up for something completely sinister rivals anything I've seen in a long time. I was completely impressed with how the ending turned out, the camera usage, editing, and acting. There were some physical scenes that had to be difficult for the actors involved to create. One such moment was when our antihero chokes out the villains girlfriend, and marks are seen manifesting on the neck of the actress.

Satan's Blood is one of the best Spanish horror films I've seen in a long time. I watch a lot of movies, and this one really grabbed me by the hair and punched me in the face. It features a great deal of sex, violence, and gore. The gore showcased in the final sequences is worth its weight in gold, and the macabre tale is really interesting when the film goes full circle in the end, and we get a moment where a sequel can be made! While this film is not on blu ray, it is worth the high price of purchasing it, which I will gladly recommend and do. Aside from the stupid name, I thought the film pulled no punches, and makes for one of the coolest and slickest horror films. I know, I'm gushing over this one, but after seeing so much garbage, and avoiding British horror, I loved this one, and recommend it highly.