Monday, November 29, 2010

From The Mailbag End of November 2010 Edition

From the mailbag is back once again, only because we're a couple of posts away from the end of the month. Before I dive into your feedback, I want to make sure you guys were aware of a couple of quick things.

First and foremost, this December I will NOT be doing a "holiday of horrors" like I did last year. If you have forgotten, last year I wrote reviews specifically in the "holiday horror" category, and this year I'm not going to do that. But I will be doing reviews, so stay tuned.

Secondly, on a personal note, I still haven't found any type of employment. With that being said, if you deem it necessary to purchase movies and media this holiday season, please utilize the amazon links found on this page, to do so. Thank you.

Now, for the comments, and a few of my own zingers, but mostly you guys. Jervaise, some of your comments don't really require my response, as there is nothing more to say.

Anonymous said in regards to my "Silent Hill Review":

You're crazy! I Love silent hill!

Nope. You're wrong.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Wind Chill Review":

I want to bugger Emily Blunt in her arse not her cunt...HA..HA..HA..(as she was in 2001 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously) its just such a shame thats shes British rubbish. By the way, i actually thought that "Wind Chill" was rather cosy, soothing and even perhaps kinda` charming in certain ways and i think it might achieve a cult following or even become a Christmas favorite for those reasons.

I highly doubt it will be a cult following induced film, in fact, but I'm usually wrong.

Anonymous said in regards to my "Silent Hill Review":

I don't like your opinion on silent hill. You must be really boring.

I am boring, that's why I write a blog and you leave "anonymous" comments.

Anonymous said in regards to my "Silent Hill Review":

The first time i saw this movie, i was sitting alone. what i wasnt excpecting was the town being silent hill. however, this wovie inspired me to write my own silent novel based on a young boy. Silent hill is an amzaazzzzzing movie! ~16 year old girl~

When I was 16, I had already seen all the British film industries finest, and therefore my taste was terrible. Apparently, yours is too.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: Take Me Down To Nightmare City Where The G...":

The thing i like most about Italian horror films is that they`re not British.

Hahah, come on man, come on! There's more to like than just that.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Final Stab Review":

Sir Jorge, google "Lisa Phillips Vintage Porn" as well, she was pretty amazing too (although not as incredible as the astonishing Miss Hickey obviously) its just a shame she is British. By the way, i think Pauline is Irish so thats not quite as bad thankfully.

I see...I see.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my American Werewolf in London review:

I`ve always regarded "An American Werewolf In London" as one of the most ludicrously over-rated horror movies in the history of cinema (and not just because it was shot in England, although that doesn`t help things either obviously). "The Howling" (released around the same time) is 100 times better. Why couldn`t the werewolf have been in New York or Tokyo or Berlin or Los Angeles or..or..any-fucking-where except fucking London? then it would have been a much better movie.

Sir Jorge, i was just looking at the cast list of the latest Harry Potter movie and seeing the names of all that British filth literally made me want to vomit, BLOODY BRITISH GARBAGE. By the way, i want to bugger Emma Watson even if she is British rubbish.

Your consistency on the topic of anti-London and all this British is astounding. I still want to visit the place.

The World of Lurlene Mcdaniel said in regards to my "Return To Cabin By The Lake Review":

I hate this movie for the fact that once again that creepy fucker is still alive.

i mean wtf.

i love judd nelson though, idk why but i guess it was because he was so awesome in that tales from the crypt episode "what's cookin" where he played that sidekick cook named gaston, who would slaughter people and cook them. Disturbing, but i liked the character he played in that film.

Hmm...Nelson in Tales from the Crypt? I'll have to check it out. This movie though, terrible, I can't believe I sat through it and the sequel.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Silent Hill Review":

"Silent Hill" was a real surprise to me because i genuinely thought it was one of the best films i`ve ever seen (literally). By the way, i want to bugger Radha Mitchell (as she was in 1991 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously). I just realised Jodelle Ferland just turned 16 so 2 years from now i`ll be desperately wanting to get my knob up her bum as well.

The best? Wow, that's a new low.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: Ghoulies II Review":

Sir Jorge, i wonder if the British film industry could ever produce anything as good as "Ghoulies II"?, i very much doubt it !!!.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to "Return To Cabin By The Lake Review":

I just visited lurlene`s site and although she obviously isn`t 18 i`d still love to bugger her senseless.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my"An American Werewolf in London Review":

So that Potter garbage made $125 million dollars in its opening week-end, the American movie going public should be absolutely ashamed of themselves for encouraging this British made celluloid dog-shit (and for 10 years now as well), you`d have thought that they would have realised what a pile of shit Harry Potter was 20 minutes into the first movie but here they are 10 years later still buying into what is the most pathetic and laughable franchise of all time, its beyond my comprehension how such a vast number of people can allow themselves to be conned for so long by such unwatchable rubbish.

It might be unwatchable for us, but apparently 100+ millions of dollars worth of tickets were sold.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my"Final Stab Review":

Sir Jorge, have you seen that incredible bird who runs that horror movie reveiw site called "Mermaid Heather"?, the birds called Heather Santrous and i think the bird is one of the most gorgeous little darlin`s i`ve ever seen.

I see...hmm...It's on my radar.

The World of Lurlene Mcdaniel said in regards to my "REWIND: Santa's Slay Review":

dude, I love Santa's slay. That movie was awesome.

i remember first watching it on fear net all the way and ever since then, I immediately fell in love with the movie. Everything you said is true, and i gotta say, bill goldberg was great playing evil santa claus.

don't forget, the chick who played the female protagonist also played evil bitchy Chris farguson in the remake of carrie (2002).

Yes, it's one of the rare Holiday Horror film gems. I'll have to rewatch Carrie from 2002.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Reve...":

The pansy queer bullshit in this movie completely spoilt it for me, dirty faggots they always spoil every film they`re involved with. By the way, i hate Robert Englunds surname (for obvious reasons).

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: Silver Bullet Review":

2 things i like about Stephen King: Hes heterosexual and he isn`t British.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "They Call Her One Eye Review":

I want to bugger Christina Lindberg (as she was at the time this movie was made, not as she is now obviously).

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Puppet Master Review":

Have you seen that episode of the old T.V. show "Night Gallery" called "The Doll" (originally shown in 1970)?, its ludicrously and laughably primitive by todays standards but i still find it strangely unnerveing whenever i watch it.

Yes! I love Night Gallery, it's one of my favorite shows from that era, or any era for that matter.

The World of Lurlene Mcdaniel said in regards to my post "The Black Guy Dies Last":

it's been a while since i've last seen this film. Luckily i recorded it on tape while fear net was playing it. I miss the slasher films of the 80's and before.

Night of the demons was a good film. And i don't think your racist at all and you do have a point there.

I have the remake screener I need to review, I'll get to it in December.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "The Black Guy Dies Last":

Sir Jorge, is your fiancee a hot chick?, maybe you could post a picture of her.

My fiancee was so hot, I married her in 2006. No pics will be posted, sorry.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Brotherhood of Blood Review":

Sir Jorge, i dont care how bad it supposedly is "Brotherhood of Blood" is still 100 times better than anything the British film industry has ever produced (or could ever dream of producing), just another reminder to keep you well away from British garbage.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: The Omen IV: The Awakening Review":

It may have been made for television but i`d rather watch "O-girl IV: The Awakening" in a cinema than any of that British made Harry Potter garbage any day of the week, just to put into perspective again what a laughable pathetic joke the British film industry really is.

I'm right there with you.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives Revie...":

Alice Cooper is a bloody load of old rubbish although what redeems him slightly is his rampaging heterosexuality and the fact that he isn`t British.

I like him none the less.

Anonymous said in regards to my "Peacock Review":

i think this movie good, how cillian play his role as 2 different person, its interesting and i think not every actor can do that, anyway he look goods as woman or man and i like it both lol

It was ok at best.

That's the end of this months comments. I'm broke, and well broke. I'll review more in the coming month, including some interesting independent film a UK screener, and much more coming your way. If you have a few extra pennies, support the blog and me by visiting amazon links I post.

Support this blog by visiting the Scary Film Web Store here.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Black Guy Dies Last

We're going to call this post a "remix" because while it's 40% old stuff, it's 60% new, and I'm talking about crap. After yesterdays pleasant holiday, I'm back in action with a runny nose and a mug of coffee. Too bad no one is awake to chatter with, but if you ever want to shoot the you know what, send me an email with your aim name and we can banter.

The one thing in horror film lists that I see often is about race. Mainly, about African American actors dying first. This is cemented in a lot of films, and then once again spoken about in the Scream trilogy. I have been looking for cases where the Black Guy doesn't get pwned within the first kill, and I have found some glowing examples. However, aside from BUSTA RHYMES in Halloween, I found that this film runs straight to the top of my list for proving that the Black Guy doesn't die last, he actually saves the day. I guess we can cite Romero's work, but since I'm a child of the 80's, this one takes the hat.

Night of The Demons cost me $29.99 when I got it. In fact, my fiancee bought it for me in Alaska, because it just happened to be on sale. It was one of those rare finds at the time, and now it's readily available, and there's even a sequel and a remake. The great thing about this film is the ending, in which our hero and 1 girl make it out alive, although they don't get out without a few scratches and a head full of nightmares, they make it.

Race relations in horror film isn't really the point of many films, but it's interesting to note that a wide variety of people will say, jokingly at times, that the black guy gets it first. However, it's not the case here, and it's the white people and a hot asian chick that bites the big one.

Yes, I know this post can offend some, but come on, it's horror and in horror, nothing is politically correct. So without further adieu or whatever, here's a rewind, remix, of Night of the Demons Review!

Night of the Demons

Alright, here is a classic for me, but not very well known for everyone. The movie is called Night of the Demons!

The movie revolves around a group of high school kids that are invited to a Halloween party at a haunted house. The house is a local mortuary, that has been abandoned for years. The kids are the usual gang of idiots, the class clown, the tough guy, the token black guy, the preppy kid, the preppy, the goth chick and the virgin who will have to fight off the demons! The main villain, Angela, decides to bring on a séance and unleashes hell onto the kids, and each dies a horrible death!

**Note: I went to a real seance once, and it was boring as hell. I hate how movies sometimes sensationalize these things, but hey, it's a movie, and real life isn't always as fun.

The movie was scary for me when I first saw it, when I was six years old! I didn’t really understand it when I was a kid, or what the gratuitous nude and sex scenes were all about, but then I bought the movie on dvd, and things all made sense.

The movie breaks a few taboos in it’s 90 minute course of horror goodness.

The first being that there is a death/sex scene in a coffin, which is not a good taboo to break, and reprehensible for me since one of my first jobs was selling caskets; a dead end job trust me. (That was a horrible pun)

The second thing being the black guy wins. No, no, I’m not a racist, and I know that you’re probably going to think that I’m going to be stretching a hard stance, but consider the fact that the ongoing stereotype is that the minorities get it first. Not this time around, we actually see a Michael Jackson costumed guy and an Alice and Wonderland girl barely make it through this one. Of course, I just spoiled the ending for you, but come on, I couldn’t resist.

**Note2: See, even when I first wrote the review, I knew that it was odd to see the black guy winning, and being the hero. I'm not that dense.

The movie has a lot of sexual tension, and coarse joking. There’s even a scene where a woman puts a lipstick tube through her nipple, which is something you don’t really see everyday in normal Rated R horror films.

This movie is going to find fans quick, and those that have already seen it either love it or hate it. I am in the category of loving it. I think there’s a good mixture of cheese and gore, and the sexuality is turned up because the director and writers knew what the audience wanted out of this. When I saw this in the horror section as a kid, I thought that this film was a porno, but it turned out to be an awesome little goregasm of a film. (Gore and Orgasm forms the word goregasm, which mixes sex and horror/gore, my new vocabulary word of the day) I recommend this film, as it is full of cliché horror moments, a couple of taboos, and some scary “witching”. It really draws some lines between a slasher film, a zombie flick and a supernatural haunting. It really doesn't define any genre's, that's for sure.

This film spawned some sequels, but none of them as good as the original 1988 release Night of the Demons, now available on dvd.

Before the remake comes through, make sure you check this one out. The Remake of Night of the Demons, is not going to trump this one...or is it?

Note3: I'll have to review the new one, I was sent a screener and I forgot to review it. So I'll watch it over the weekend and post the review on Monday, or Wednesday, depending on how full my stupid schedule is. Granted, I don't have a job or prospects for one, so I have a lot of time on my hands.

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

REWIND: Santa's Slay Review

I'm enjoying a break from things, so here's another rewind, while I watch some horror over the stupid holiday.

Santa's Slay

Former WCW Champion Bill Goldberg plays a killer Santa who’s back to kill the naughty. It’s awesome, and not meant to be scrutinized as a serious film, but it is a throwback to the 80’s slasher formula that many other movies really miss. Santa’s Slay is a great holiday horror film, and many people never even see it, such a shame.

The movie is about a couple of teens who uncover a mysterious story, told by one’s grandpa. Back a thousand years ago Santa Claus bet against an Angel with the loser being enslaved for a thousand years. Claus, in this story is the son of the devil, and plots to kill people once a year, and loses in this game, but 1000 years later (The present) he’s back in action to slay the naughty and anyone who stands in his way. So in the Township of Hell two brave teens must try to stop a killer Santa from destroying anyone and everyone he deems naughty.

Here’s a trailer for Santa’s Slay:

The film is done nicely. The movie’s cameras and director plays a great role in pushing this movie to its limits. The picture is nice, and the overall quality is great. While this is a straight to dvd and/or made for television film it really is top notch. It is higher quality than a lot of other films that I’ve seen go straight to dvd. The angles, the effects, the make up, and all things movie related are right on point and look great for this type of film.

The death’s are well made and awesome. We’re talking about serial slaying with all sorts of Christmas and Holiday related toys and gadgets. The only thing missing is a Festivus pole, but then again, one might argue that the electricity in the strip club is a throwback to that idea from Seinfeld.

Goldberg’s one liners are great. They are all related to the Holiday’s and they are all on point in a raspy, scary voice. I’m a little bit of a fan since I was a wcw fan circa 1999 when Bill Goldberg was a major wrestling star. This movie goes out of its way to be halfway serious, until the final act, where everything is dismantled and this movie becomes another joke of a horror plot.

killer santa

Why Santa’s Slay is scary: Taking the story of Santa Claus and making it a serial killing parable isn’t new. However, throwing the traditional into a scary and supernatural story is not bad. We all believe in something or nothing, and it all has to do with some sort of entity. Here we see the entity manifested in Biblical proportions, with the main characters being angels and/or the son of Satan. This is not too farfetched. Consider Mormonism for a moment. Mormonism has a belief that Jesus is the brother of Satan, that’s right, they are brothers, and millions upon millions of people believe that to be true. So the idea that Satan’s son could be Santa Claus can’t be too far off of an idea to spoof or borrow.

Consider also that the Fat Red Santa mythos wasn’t even invented until the 19th century sometime, by an artist rendering. It was also then more commercialized by the Coca Cola company and away we go to modern Santa Claus. This creates an interesting scenario of belief that makes some of the points in this movie sort of scary. What if it was all true?

What if? We deal in a world of what ifs. I know that it’s not a popular thing to believe, but consider the fact that many people in the world are waiting for economic collapse and are storing up food and supplies. Consider the millions of people that believe in God, and are waiting for the second coming of Christ. Consider even fringe beliefs of sorts, like the Ethiopian Orthodox church. They believe that they have the original Ark of the Covenant. That’s right, there are a lot of what ifs that people believe and are personally attached to, and that’s why this film is kind of scary at times. It pulls a quick punch in the direction of Santa, which is popularized once a year, and spins it on its axis into an evil association, which creates quite the contrived and impersonal setting for this horror movie.

This film is scary on the notions of a what if scenario. It can be argued that all movies in the horror genre are scary in the, what if, argument that I’m creating in this article. However, this one is meant to be tongue and cheek at times, and I can’t really see another way to explain why this movie could be scary. Most people won’t find this movie to scary as it deals a lot with the supernatural as a counterbalance to serial killings, but you might also argue that the vigilante justice that Santa is giving out in this film is not too unlike previous horror movie efforts such as “Christmas Evil” and “Silent Night Deadly Night”, but in the realms of horror it stands out on its overall pledge to keep things just below the radar in terms of horror. Sure it has horror elements, and sure it really hinges on a little supernatural belief, but if you strip away the nonsense, you get an enjoyable horror film with a lot of comedic moments and some silly deaths.

Santa’s Slay is the best movie I’ve seen in terms of Holiday Horror. There are a lot of bad movies out there, and this one is not one of them. It’s light, it’s funny, and if you allow yourself to ask a few what if questions, you’re in for a good holiday horror time. It’s not really meant to be treated as a nightmare, but it has enough of umph to get you through the yuletide mess we call holidays. Santa’s Slay is a harmless, yet powerful horror film, and I liked it a lot more than some other Holiday themed films, so I suggest a viewing of Santa’s Slay. If not a s a whole, then for the great opening sequences featuring some SNL alumni, some classic actors, and one hot former sitcom star….trust me. Santa’s Slay, if nothing else, is funny, and that’s kind of cool for a horror film.

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

Monday, November 22, 2010

REWIND: Masters of Horror: We All Scream For Ice Cream Review

And we're going back in time today. I have been bogged down with a few other projects and decided to do a look back at a post rather than force a new one. Here you go, here's a blast from the past.

Growing up, I enjoyed the Nickelodeon series “Are You Afraid of the Dark” and loved to read the “Goosebumps” series of horror novels, and this short film seems to be in that vein.

The Masters of Horror series is a pretty cool concept, that gets a wide array of directors to shoot one hour horror shorts and produce some really cool stuff.
This one is quick and easy to swallow.

There is a killer clown who has come back after a long absence to kill off some kids that were mean to him. By giving kids ice cream, their parents begin to start melting to death.

Meanwhile, one of the parents gets wise to the scheme and tries his best to stop it.
This is a rip off if you’re buying it. It’s really cool to rent on netflix, but overall it’s a short winded burst of tension, and release. It’s a good one hour program, but it is rushed and the characters are somewhat disposable, so you don’t really get the full emotional connection as you would if this was a 90 minute project.

We All Scream For Ice Cream is really a good entry in the Masters of Horror series, and it compliments the genre really well, but it’s not the greatest thing to come out of the cable television series.

Here's a clip from the show:

Friday, November 19, 2010

An American Werewolf in London Review

An American Werewolf in London

Britain, Britain, Britain, it was about time I got around to reviewing another werewolf movie. I'm a fan of the genre, Howling being my favorite, although Silver Bullet had Busey in it as a "role model" so I guess that one wins some credit too. In 1981 "An American Werewolf in London" came out and it was directed by John Landis. The film was an easy to following horror film with some cool sequences of horror and violence.

The plot follows a couple of young men on a backpacking trip through Europe, although they don't make it past a small town, and one of them doesn't make it past London. The film immediately plunges the audience into peril with a werewolf attack, and then slowly builds to some awkward sexual scenes, and finally, the grandaddy of them all, a full transformation scene!

After we get the transformation sequence, our hero (named David) or rather anti-hero, goes into a self-realization that he's a werewolf and he'll be hungry and eating again, so he does what any self-respecting undead entity does, he goes to a porno theater! The film then starts to go into a "panic" mode as the werewolf takes center stage, and well, eats people. Eventually the cops get in the way and well, the rest is history.

The ending of the film is quite abrupt, and just kind of "closes" after a while. It's interesting to note that the film had a lot of inside jokes, lots of little references to other works, and a lot of random inserts that modern audiences will not understand, since most people don't carefully diagnose or write about film in general.

The dream sequences really made me love this film. Full blown fantasy land is really done nicely, with scary tones all over. David's friend walking around London as a zombie, telling him to end it all was cool. The whole wolf metaphor really gets played up here in the dream sequences and makes the film far better than I remembered it.

An American Werewolf in London isn't half bad. I liked Jenny Agutter's role as "Nurse Alex Price" and it didn't help my nurse fetish. Speaking of nurses, why are most of them in the United States fat? I mean, when I watch older film and read about history and what not, Nurses are HOT! In some of my fantasies...uh...never mind.

The acting is good overall, nothing too harsh on there, the film grain is quite good with a great overall transfer to dvd, and I found it better than I remembered. I loved the juxtaposing of the gore with real life cuts and edits, and I liked that there was a porno theater in the middle of London. It kind of made me want to go to London. Ok, no it didn't, but the nurse most certainly did, wow....what a hot lady.

I'll stop. I recommend checking out An American Werewolf in London, as it is a throwback to a classic time in horror, where werewolves were far better than Vampires, or at least better than shiny vampires and pasty white chicks. Till next time, watch out for the full Moon!!!

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Final Stab Review

Final stab

I remember when I was a young idiot, I was watching an episode of Saved By The Bell where the gang went to a "murder mystery" weekend, but they didn't know it was a murder mystery thing, and they thought it was all real. It was a two part episode, and I remember enjoying that a lot. Later in my pop-culture viewing, I remember King of the Hill did a "mystery train" episode for Peggy's birthday. I enjoyed that too. So with those two things still engraved in my psyche, I thought that a movie called "Final Stab" with the premise going the same way, would be a fun time, but in fact, it was another boring movie for me to review.

The plot of the film is simple. A group of late teens early twenty somethings go to a house for a weekend of "horror", only not everyone is in on the joke, and there is a psycho killer on the loose.

The story develops really slow, but the killings start fast. You get a psycho in a mask mopping people up with a knife, yet you get minimal to no gore effects. It's so poorly done in fact, that at one throat slashing you get no splatter or any blood flowing out of the neck, despite being gutted with a harsh knife. Now, I'm not looking to see a freak show of gore, or a carnival of fake blood, but if you're going to have the act on film with the actor turning specifically to the camera, you should at least have some gore.

The film is tedious, it's heavy handed, and hard to watch. It really is one of the worst, bargain basement movies I've seen in a long time, and that's not saying much. This straight to dvd film is not worth your time, and it was barely worth my time. I can't believe I sat through it, because it was really hard for me, but alas, another movie down. If you absolutely must see this one, at least know that you've been warned. Final Stab is NOT a good movie by any stretch of the imagination.

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Monday, November 15, 2010

From The Mailbag Mid November 2010 Edition

Wow, this month is flying by, or maybe it's not going by fast enough. For me, it's going by tremendously slow. I have no job, no future, and sold my comic book collection this week for money...ugh...I don't want to remind myself. Here's the comments up to this point.

Anonymous has left a comment on my post "Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 Review":

Spot on review to be honest mate. I am a huge fan of Rob Zombie's stuff but i just really did not enjoy this movie as i have all the others. It feels like this was a rush job. I may have got it wrong but the amount of effort and overpowerwing madness in part 1 seemed like a different director to this picture. I just wish he would have left if 5 years or something and just come back with another Classic. Dont get me wrong obviously the originals will always win the battle of the greatest but in the same field i must admit Robs version was just brilliant i think. Part 2 like you say had alot of missing "oomph" or story as ya say. Overall i really wanted to enjoy this and waited untill this weekend to watch it. I just felt let down and was pretty gutted it did not reach the expection's in which i had for it.

Nevertheless, I still hold Zombie in high regard and look forward to all of his work as visually alone it was watching because the guy is so out his brain.

I SALUTE YOU ROB ! Just dont rush the magic bruv!

Gavin / London UK

I liked it enough. I don't like the tone of the film, looking back, just bad director of photography at times. Other than that? It was a brutal film, that's about all I can recall from it.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "REWIND: Lifeforce Review":

I wish Lifeforce had been American made instead of British then it might have been a good film. By the way, i want to bugger Mathilda May (as she was at the time Lifeforce was made, not as she is now obviously).

I hear ya...I always hear ya...I like Lifeforce enough...but I love the video game more.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Saw 3D Review":

Sir Jorge, i think entertain-girl-t is all you should be concerning yourself with when reveiwing films, most horror movies are not scary but they are marvellously entertaining and thats the most important thing, horror films ceased to be scary a long time ago but they are still by far the most entertaining genre of all (with science fiction a close second), always remember that when watching a horror movie entertain-girl-t is the most important thing not being scared.

Yeah, entertainment is key...but sometimes, I get tired of the genre.

Bleeding Dead said in regards to my "Saw 3D Review":

To answer your question no Saw 3D is not the last in the series. Because the word's "final" are being promoted here expect at least one more sequel and then a remake.
I.e. The Final Friday: Jason Goes to Hell - Jason X, Friday the 13th (2009).
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - New Nightmare, Nightmare on Elm Street (2010).
Halloween H20: 20 Years Later - Halloween: Resurection, Halloween (2007).

I hope you're wrong, but like P.I.L. could be wrong, you could be right.

Anonymous said in regards to my "Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 Review":

halloween 2 is awesome it is way better than the first remake and the original remake put together and is has crazy kills that are so bloody my only problem is that it is hard to know what is going on at times because it is so dark!

Yeah, I guess so.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Wait Until Dark Review":

I always liked the relationship she had with the young girl Gloria in this film (Julie Herrod) it was so sweet and charming, in fact the scene where they make-up after Gloria throws the pots and pans is one of the most magical mo-girl-ts in the history of cinema.

That was an interesting dynamic indeed.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Saw 3D Review":

bleeding dead over on your site it says you`re a hot chick so why are you using a picture of Uma Thur-girl for your profile?, i`d prefer to see one of you wearing a skimpi bikini, how about it baby. I`m sure Sir Jorge would agree.

Um...I don't really talk to either outside of this site, but if you guys have aim or something...I'll mediate the discussion ;) Especially if a bikini is involved! Woo....nevermind.

Bleeding Dead said in regards to my "Saw 3D Review":

Well jervaise your extensive list of celebrities of which you would bugger (as they were when they were 18, of course) was difficult to limit down. I was learning towards Nev Cambell since you expressed a more vivid description of what you'd do to her, specifically with your milt, but ultimately I decided to go with Uma in the light of her being in my favorite film.


jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Rewind: The Wizard of Gore Review":

Sir Jorge, "The Wizard of Gore" might be difficult to watch but its still infinitely easier to endure than any British made pile of garbage you care to girl-tion.

I'd have to rewatch it to be sure.

On the Saw 3D Review there's more comments, that I'll just leave can go read them instead of my commentary, cause I have none.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Against the Dark Review":

I genuinely think this is Seagals best film because its the only one i know of where hes fighting against supernatural fantastic monster type foes rather than simply against other hu-girl beings. Its always better if the hero of a movie has to do battle with monsters or robots of some-kind rather than just against other people.

True. It very well maybe.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Captivity Review":

I want to bugger that incredible bird (as she was in 2000 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously).

You should see the bloke she's going out with...lame to say the least.

otis rampaging heterosexuality said in regards to "Rewind: Videodrome Review":

Howard Shore is the Bernard Herr-girl of the synthesizer, his music for this film is as integral to its brilliance as Cronenbergs images.

Yes, you're right.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Jennifer's Body Review":

I want to bugger Megan Fox (as she was in 2004 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously), i also want to bugger the other hot chick that was in this movie (also as she was at the age of 18, not as she is now obviously) i think her name is A-girl-da. By the way, on the poster i wish we`d seen white stuff coming out of Megan fox`s mouth instead of red stuff it would have been much better.

Eh, I don't really like her.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Suspiria Review":

Once again i`ve never been able to see what all the fuss is about with regards to this movie, its ludicrously over-rated (like most of Argento`s films). By the way, i want to bugger Jessica Harper (as she was in 1967 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously).

Over rated? I don't know, I liked it, it had a lot of great color and gore.

elgart has left a new comment on your post "REWIND: Thankskilling Review":

Such an admirable accomplishment from a technical standpoint...

That's very true, the behind the scenes stuff on this film is interesting to say the least.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Inseminoid Review":

Once again this could`ve been a great movie if it had been American made but because its British its garbage by definition. By the way, i want to bugger Judy Gee-daughter (as she was in 1966 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously) even if she is British rubbish.

This was such a weird movie. Man...1966 women? I'd like to go back in time.

jervaise brooke hamster has left a new comment on your post "Machete Review":

I wish the British film industry could produce something that was 100th as good or entertaining as any of the movies from the grindhouse era but they never will believe me. Sir Jorge dont be to keen to trash American films because even at their absolute worst they are still infinitely better than anything thats produced anywhere else in the world.

You're once again spot on.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Cabin By The Lake Review":

Judd Nelson is a bloody load of old rubbish.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "The Curse of the Werewolf Review":

True, Yvonne Romain was absolutely astonishing, if i could have buggered her and tit-fucked her when she was 18 in 1956 i think my life would have been complete, Yvonne was truly incredible back in those days its just a shame she was British and had to spend her life acting in British garbage like this movie.

Oh come on, British garbage? Come on! This was at least watchable.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "Twins of Evil Review":

I want to bugger Madeleine and Mary (as they were at the time this movie was made, not as they are now obviously). Just imagine being in bed with both of those incredible little lustpots when they were both 18 in 1970 and performing every sex-act in the known universe on them for weeks or even months uninterupted, now thats heaven believe me. By the way, just another reminder, "Twins Of Evil" is garbage simply because it is British, dont forget alright !!!.

You're crazy.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to my "The Vampire Lovers Review":

I want to bugger Madeleine Smith (as she was in 1967 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously) its just a shame that (just like Yvonne Romain) she was born British and had to spend her life appearing in unwatchable British garbage like this movie, i wish she and Yvonne had appeared in hard-core porn when they were both 18, it would have been so great to see those 2 unbelievable birds being buggered in POV.

I know what you mean, I really do.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to "Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 Review":

I actually think that Rob Zombie is a wothless pile of crap although his rampaging heterosexuality and the fact that he isn`t British do redeem him slightly obviously. By the way, Malcolm Mcdowell is a pathetic British turd although once again i think he has been completely heterosexual all his life so thats one good thing about him, BLOODY BRITISH GARBAGE.

Malcolm McDowell eh? I didn't even register it was him, until just now.

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said in regards to "Clive Barker's Book of Blood Review":

One of the problems i always have with watching anything that Clive Barker is involved with is knowing that he is a faggot the bloody dirty pansy queer bastard, Hes also British filth so essentially what we have here is a double whammy of garbage. BLOODY DIRTY BRITISH PANSY FAGGOT FILTH.'ve got nothing.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to "Return To Cabin By The Lake Review":

Judd Nelson is STILL a bloody load of old rubbish although i`d rather watch this movie than any British film you might care to name.

I'm drawing a blank, so you win.

jervaise brooke hamster has left a new comment on your post "Black Xmas Review":

I want to bugger Michelle Trachtenberg (as she was in 2003 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously).

You and me both.

jervaise brooke hamster said in regards to "Black Christmas Review":

The final scene of this film with the camera prowling around the supposedly empty house is the stuff of pure cinematic legend, it is pure brilliance.

I loved this film, and maybe will have to watch it again with the MRS. this year.

That's it for the comments, I think I missed a couple, but I don't care. This thing turned into the jervaise brooke hamster show, and that's not bad, thanks for the comments everyone. I'm going to go back to trying to get a job.....

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Friday, November 12, 2010

Return To Cabin By The Lake Review

It has been noted many, many times that sequels are terrible. Return to Cabin by the Lake is another notch int he proverbial belt of beating a dead horse in terms of sequels. It's probably one of the worst movies you'll ever see, British or otherwise.

The movie tries to continue the original story line, only this time Judd Nelson's character is on set and making a movie, when people start dying off. But who cares? Not me. Not anyone else either.

The movie is slow moving, cuts away any real horror and gore, has no major winning points, and you really want to just give up on the genre altogether. For whatever reasons, someone greenlit this terrible film, and me, being an idiot, sat down and watched it.

Do not see Return to Cabin by the Lake, it's just not worth it. Go read a book or something, save your 90 minutes for something worthwhile, because this surely isn't even worth mentioning, unless you're a diehard "know it all" and just want another obscure movie reference to make.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Cabin By The Lake Review

cabin by the lake

It boggles my mind how I end up watching the worst of the worst in terms of horror. I know that there are a lot of bad movies out there, and it's easy to figure out which ones are terrible, just look for "made for tv" feeling and you'll get a terrible film. Judd Nelson stars in this psychotic horror film titled, Cabin by the Lake.

The film's plot surrounds a script writer that is casting parts in a cabin, consequently, by a lake. As lots of vacationers start showing up by the lake, a mysterious psychotic man is killing people and putting them into a "garden" under the lake.

This "made for tv" movie is interesting on paper, but when you see the cardboard acting and the lack of gore, lack of nudity, and lack of anything that makes movies worth watching, the whole premise falls apart. The only reason I stuck by this film, was to see the reveal at the end of dead bodies floating in the lake, which makes up the "garden" that the killer keeps mentioning.

The best part of the film is that the bad guy gets away, and sets up a sequel. I won't mention to much about the sequel at this time, but it sucks. Trust me, it's terrible. Cabin By The Lake is one of the worst attempts at horror that I've seen, but at least Judd Nelson got a couple of paychecks. He was good in the 80's, that's for sure.

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Monday, November 8, 2010

REWIND: Thankskilling Review

Here's a blast from my Holiday Horror 2009 month, where all I reviewed was "holiday" themed horror movies. I might come back in December and do Holiday Horror 2010 but I'm not sure, I'd have to find a lot of new Christmas horror movies to review, so we'll see what happens.

Until Wednesday, here's a look back at Thankskilling!

Holiday Horror 2009

Thankskilling Poster

We start our journey through holiday horror with this film with a ridiculous name. The film is called, Thankskilling, and it’s all about the holidays. The opening of this film has two of the best things in horror movie lore that I love. Boobs and Gore, well it’s light on the gore, but it’s rad. You immediately get a topless woman running through the woods, and as soon as she is vulnerable, a foul mouth turkey chops her up with an axe! This is not your traditional scary movie!

The funny thing is about the movie, is the story that brought it to life. Apparently this film was funded with only 3500 dollars, and was made by two college students without major media roles or corporate hero’s joining in to throwdown some cash or ruin the project with what some might call “professionalism”.

In fact, the film feels like a television show that you might see in the late 90’s. The film quality and follow through is better than some of the straight to dvd and television movies that I’ve seen in the past. However, that’s not to say that this film is amazing, good, or anything like that. It has some good editing, and alright focus, but overall this film goes from good lighting/shots to terrible close ups. It swings back and forth, but it still seems somewhat better than say, “Axe Em” which was just horrendous. However, what “Axe Em” had was professional actor’s where this one seems to have “semi-pro” actors trying to make this somewhat watchable.

So what’s the plot? The plot is paper thin. A loud mouth, yes loud mouth, turkey is going around killing teenagers on Thanksgiving break. So if you mix say, Cabin Fever’s road trip like premise, with any slasher film out there, you’ve got Thankskilling.

Here's a quick trailer to give you enough action:

This movie is not really scary, it’s probably not meant to be, but it’s worth the novelty of “Holiday Horror” and should be seen as a traditional film to watch around this time of the year. There’s not much else to say about this film, this thing is poorly acted, but has enough of a cult quality to be seen at least once or twice.

Seriously, consider checking out Thankskilling for your holiday horror bash.

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Friday, November 5, 2010

REWIND: Constantine Review

Thanks to my morning being filled with calls to Bank of America, fighting malware on and venting my frustrations at the casket salesman blog, I have decided to get another blast from the past for today's update.


Constantine Poster

Hellblazer, the epic comic book series from Vertigo comics, gets a full film translation in this Keanu Reeves’ science fiction horror film. Constantine is somewhat scary, but is more science fiction than true horror picture, but it does share some horrific scene’s and therefore it deserves a closer look.

Constantine follows an anti-hero by the name of John Constantine, he’s a supernatural exorcist of sorts, and is trapped between heaven and hell. The movie follows a story arc of a suicide and Constantine is called in to find out whether or not it is in fact true. Along the way we meet a slew of uncanny characters, and face death and hell.

Here is a trailer for the film Constantine:

Constantine features a lot of computer animation, but it’s done fairly well and is faithful in a lot of ways to the source material. The movie follows a good pacing between straight action and horror elements. The initial sequences of exorcism are definitely poignant in their creepiness. The fear in the eyes of what I can only assume are Latino immigrants seems genuine, and the effects and textures involved are top notch, creating a very surreal and horrific situation that rivals any of the “Exorcist” films. The demon in the mirror takes away from the dramatic scene, but up to that point it’s quite the frantic exorcism.

The trip to hell is another great piece of technical green screen work. Constantine’s trip to hell leaves him smoky and ridiculous. This part of the film is like reading Dante’s Inferno all over again, as your imagination can’t dream up this sort of thing easily.

Constantine differentiates himself from other comic book hero’s by drinking hard liquor, smoking cigarettes, and driven into deep depression. With the “hero” moniker give to him thanks to Vertigo Comics, he has a slew of cool weapons that help him combat the evil that passes through hell onto earth.

Constantine Hellblazer

Constantine is not without its own faults. Keanu is not a glorious actor, and while I think he does a fine job portraying John Constantine, he isn’t that great in my opinion. The comic book character lends himself more to that of “Fight Club’s” Tyler Durden and even appears to look like Brad Pitt to me. The movie has some dry spots, and some of the action sequences are really stupid. There are some physics related problems that rival some other ghost movies like “White Noise” or “Pulse”. Shia LaBeouf is in this film and while I enjoy his work here, he’s not that great in this role and that might be due in large part to Keanu’s laid back portrayal of Constantine. It seems a bit more reserved than I would expect from the Comics, which show a little more emotion.

Why Constantine is Scary: Constantine is hard to categorize as a horror film. I admit, this isn’t straight forward horror, but it has horror elements. These elements deal with the supernatural more than physical slashing and killing. At this point I will talk about a couple of scary situations that come up in this film, and finish off with the overall bigger picture. So stay with me, as I’m sure I’ll go somewhere with this, sooner than later.

The message that is sent via Constantine, is that religion and religious leanings do not protect you from demonic oppression. We see this in bold with the Priest who tries to drink himself into a stupor to avoid seeing the demons that are attacking him. His cross does not help him at all, and he eventually is killed in a liquor store as the demon doesn’t allow him to drink any of the liquor he is grabbing at. For those of you out there that are religious, or believe that religion or spirituality can help you at all, this should scare you a little bit. It is unnerving to consider that even someone who is esteemed “holy” can not thwart demonic oppression. This is far worse than an exorcist who can not exorcise a demon, because possession doesn’t necessarily infringe on the body of the priest. I know I’m reaching here, but consider the thought. The scenario I speak of for this point is directly related to the liquor store death sequence of the priest who struggles through to his death and his precious alcohol can not save him this time. Is this to also say that alcoholism is not a crutch that can save you from death? Is there subliminal messages being sent through this scenario? No. Constantine chain smokes, drinks heavy liquor and is unharmed. Is this because he’s got a higher purpose? Maybe. However, that is too far away from the initial thought that I’m trying to send across, the focal point of my initial argument is that it is scary to consider that even after you pray, read your bible, and try to seek God, the oppression of demons or even hell can come upon you and end your life, regardless of your commitment. That folks, is a scary notion.


The second scary part of Constantine, is that there are people that can not go to heaven and are rejected by hell. Constantine’s back story isn’t explained too much in this film, and those that aren’t comic book readers won’t really understand why John Constantine is doing what he does. The subplot of the film aside, we are really looking at a bigger picture. Constantine is thwarting the possession of the “Spear of Destiny” from getting into the wrong hands. If the spear gets into the wrong hands, evil will dominate the Earth and bring on hell. I like that subtle and I do mean very subtle reference to Doom 2: Hell on Earth. I’m sure it was unintentional. Back to the scary part, what if you couldn’t go to heaven and couldn’t go to hell? Rather you were stuck in between, fighting evil in hopes of someday being allowed back into heaven, that my friends, sucks and is scary.

At this point, you are probably ready to throw in the towel on this. I don’t blame you. Seriously, I’m trying hard to get this seemingly harmless film into a better light than it gets. Most people pawn this film off as a horrible comic book adaptation. It’s not so, it’s actually quite faithful to the source material, it’s just a little over the top at times. I admit, this movie isn’t for everyone, but if you think about the things that are being proposed here, your imagination can create quite a big amount of fear. That fear is probably not on the forefront of viewers that are watching Constantine, but for the sake of this site I think that Constantine is a scary film.

However, the reason that it doesn’t get a lot of credit is because our society is so jaded on religious and horror themes that this films overall dark tone just becomes another piece of the ubiquitous nature of Christianity in America. I recommend Constantine as a good piece of science fiction with a religious tone, however, I don’t think it’s that great of a film. I think it is interesting on a lot of levels, if you are open to what it has to offer. However as a horror and/or science fiction film it is tough for many viewers. If you’re an avid comic book reader, maybe consider picking up Hellblazer Volume 1 and read some good adult comic book stories with some stellar artwork.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wait Until Dark Review

wait until dark

The 1960's were a weird time for some. I wasn't alive yet, but when looking at old issues of Playboy, I often wish that women today had bodies of yesteryear...oh right, this is a horror movie blog.

The cycle of mainstream horror in the 1960's was nothing like it is today. So in order to even watch this film, I had to throw away all my preconceived notions of what scary movies should be.

Wait Until Dark tells the story of a young blind woman that is terrorized by thugs looking for drugs and money inside a safe in her home. That is truly the whole gimmick of this film, and has very few set changes. I'd later find out that this movie was based on a play, and that's the reason why this film feels a bit...i don't know...boring!

The movie is a really long winded piece of non sense. The only way this movie works is if you can totally shut off your brain to modernity. There are so many modern pitfalls to this film, but if you can get passed that. You'll get a cool thriller towards the end of the film. The scary part is when the lights go completely out, and the thugs terrorize Hepburn's character, only to be thwarted.

Hepburn isn't as hot as people say she was. She was acting well for a person that wasn't blind, but the pacing and overall reaching story just fell flat for me. There are some nice mood changers here with the lighting. However, without major gore, major climaxes, the final sequences are just not that great.

Don't get me wrong, I love older film, but this one is just not as "scary" as people say it is. Sure, there are some quality moments of tense psychological suspense, but the pay off is not brutal and just tiring.

I don't recommend Wait Until Dark unless you absolutely want to see an older "horror/thriller" film. I just couldn't get into it, and maybe that's just cause I'm an idiot. I do like the poster though.

Hellphone Full Official Movie Trailer

Hellphone has a full trailer now, and here it is!

The premiere is sooner than later, and I probably won't get to see it, since I live in the worst city in America to live in as an adult.

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Monday, November 1, 2010

Saw 3D Review


Saw 3D pwned the competition this weekend, and I was one of the millions of idiots that went to see it. First let's get it out of the way, SAW 3D is not a scary movie, as much as it is a tie up of the rest of the films in one gorey mess.

The film follows the story of a support group and the fight between the last two pieces of the Jigsaw puzzle, or so you think. While the ongoing struggle to show people that they should appreciate their lives continues, the whole plot is a convoluted mess of what we've already seen. The film travels on paths already done by previous Saw films, and NOT as well as the first film at all.

That being said, the Doctor Gordon character comes back and he's more cynical than ever, and I liked how he turned out the lights on the whole series, and the writers made it work in a sense. He didn't seem out of place, nor thrown in, as he makes the film a positive. The rest of the movie?

Well. There's a lot of gore, and the 3D is done quite well. The film feels solid, and it flows really simple. In fact, I enjoyed the movie for the most part, and feel like it truly can be over.

Will it die?

I don't know. Will it be a legacy? Maybe.

One thing is for sure, I'll buy a box set if they group all the films together. However, you really only need to see a few of the films to get the whole series, but the first and last compliment each other in a way that the others don't. I liked it for what it was, and enjoyed the last 7 years of investing $20 to see these films.

I can't wait for some other series to try and take the cake, and i hope it's not Paranormal Activity, cause that film sucked.

That's that. Saw 3D did a good job at entertaining me, just not scaring me.

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