The 5 Best Damn Horror Movies For Christmas

In 2010, when I was still writing like a mad man and trying to get myself out of another bout with depression I wrote about the Top 5 Christmas horror movies, and it was received well enough. People thought I was wrong and people thought I was right. You could read that post right here, but today is not about the past it’s about the present and the future. It’s with that in mind that I’m going to drop a bomb today, and no I do not mean another bowel movement.

Today, for your consideration, like an episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” is none other than the best damn horror movies for Christmas. Of course these are not for children, and no they aren’t pornographic although Dracula XXX comes highly recommended by me and Ron Jeremy. I think he was in it, I haven't seen it in a long time, not that I'm advocating pornography directly.

So here you go, all 2 of you that still read this site, my picks for the best of the best. If you agree, disagree, or have some comments, let me know what's up.

5. Santa’s Slay

Bill Goldberg plays one hell of a character here. It doesn’t end very well and it takes on a laughable premise, but for the most part, this horror Christmas entry is one that is well worth looking at. I must also admit that the best bit of performance art was had by this former NFL and WCW powerhouse. His match with DDP at WCW’s Halloween Havoc in 1998 is still one of the most impressive feats of professional wrestling, fake or not, they danced in a very grand way. Now that I’ve lost my readers, I can say that this movie is one of the best examples of a movie that wasn’t meant for theaters and still manages to deliver a high production value. The gore is ramped up at times, and the opening sequence alone is star studded and brings out some fun. Santa’s Slay may not be a serious movie, but it most certainly delivers on the horror aspect. It’s fun, not scary, so don’t give me slack.

4. To All A Good Night

The 1970s were a hell of a time for movies. There seemed to be a willingness to be uncensored, and work with the ratings in a much harder way. There was also a great deal of creativity thrown to the box covers of videos. To All A Good Night is one of those movies that slips by a lot of people, but is worth scoping out. It is the story of a group of teenagers that are partying and are being slowly picked off by a maniac in a Santa Claus suit. Pretty basic, and quite a throwback, even if the pacing is a bit on the slow side. But hey, a killer Santa Claus nearly 10 years before the other famed one? Yep.The 1970s produced some sick movies, and this may not be the sickest of all the releases, but it is definitely a good one that many people move over in favor of Christmas Evil, Black Christmas, and even some older options that are just boring as ever.

3. Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall is insane. It has one of my favorite movie posters and really is one of the coolest concepts. A mall closes down and to protect the place, a killer robot is dispatched. This may not be a 100% Christmas tale, but it’s all about shopping or rather Chopping! It features an incredible head explosion before CG started to be everywhere. It’s a good entry into this list and one that is well worth your time to seek out. The next time you’re at the mall, just think about this movie and how you could be next! Remember the Simpsons episode? That was good. I remember the first time I saw this, it was a double feature for me with Sleepaway Camp. The horror movie video boxes were 100 times more intriguing than anything that is seen now. I am definitely a big fan of these things, and wax nostalgic about it too much, or not enough.

2. Gremlins

Horror comedy that isn’t scary? Well Gremlins pushes on a lot of comedic elements, but still maintains a good creep factor that gives you enough of a treat. This is not an all-out onslaught of the senses, and it is not a slasher, but the horror elements, hard drinking, smoking and more makes this one quite compelling. Gremlins fans will be upset that I didn’t put this at #1 but come on, it’s more comedy than it is straight laced horror, right? Whatever. A small town gets hit with crude Gremlins! What’s not to love? This movie is definitely the better of the two releases that bear the name Gremlins. Also, don't confuse this for Critters or Ghoulies. I love Ghoulies though, and remember that one time that they went to college? There's a lot of Critters movies too, they had cool posters.

1. Black Xmas (remake)

There are going to be a lot of people upset about this. No, Silent Night Deadly Night doesn’t get start treatment here. Why? Because Black Xmas came out swinging and completely obliterates the 5 movies that were just awful. The first one had a Santa Claus rape and murder sequence, so it loses on the premise of just being horrendous. Ok, it’s a favorite of mine, but still, this one ramps up the brutality, production, and sound design. A group of sorority girls get stalked by a psycho around Christmas. The ending is brutal as ever, and the sound design makes this one my top pick. It’s a good watch, and eliminates the need to watch many others. If you don't like this one, then it's most likely because it's too brutal. I admit, it  has some moments that will make you cringe, but like Wes Craven reminds, it's only a movie, it's only a movie.

There you have it, Scary Film Reviews best of Christmas. Oh and if you think I’m a hack, I spent 3 consecutive years reviewing only Holiday Horror movies in the month of December, so go back into the archives and see why they aren’t on this list here. Ok, I admit, I am a hack. Pick these up with the appropriate links below and help a brotha out, it’s Christmas!

Looking for grindhouse, horror, or sci-fi films? Please check out our amazon astore featuring all things horror. Don't trust astore? Check out amazon.com, surprisingly they have more grindhouse,horror,and rare sci-fi than you may not have thought possible.

Halloween Costumes You Should Buy

With the month of October settling in, it’s important to look into the wide world of Halloween costumes. You will find that the stores are starting to stock all sorts of things and they are starting to sell through them at a record pace. I for one visited a Spirit Store recently and was impressed with just how much stuff they have. However, they are not always up to snuff with my favorites, and that’s why I wanted to talk about a few favorite iconic ideas that you may want to look into when it comes to dressing up this October 31.

Freddy or Jason

If you are a lazy person, and I know you are out there, try one of these two iconic horror maestros. Last year I was Freddy, and I threw a party in which no one came at all. I invited all my friends, family and my girlfriend invited a lot of people too, and guess what? I was there getting drunk with only myself, my cats and at least a couple. I just remember that Wonder Woman’s boobs were hanging out and I wanted to see them, my girlfriend said I could, but she wasn’t having it. They just seemed to good…and…well I’m a perv. Jason works well too, easy to get a hockey mask and fake machete, right? Notice I am on the left here smiling. That was before I drank myself silly and asked for a woman to show me her boobs. I had way too much to drink and way too much food, all because no one bothered to show up, well except for two people, I don't remember much.

Halloween Costumes

Michael Meyers may be one of the scariest things on film, especially when put into the hands of a seasoned horror rocker like Rob Zombie, but dressing up like him doesn’t necessarily have to be daunting. In fact, it’s as easy as getting a latex mask and a dickies jumpsuit. Then put on some boots and walk slowly. It’s that easy to dress up like one of the iconic killers from yesterday and today.

John Wayne Gacy

If you want to stun everyone, why not dress up like Pogo the Clown himself. You’ll have to put on a little chubby suit, and then waltz around scaring the living daylights out of people, but when they ask you what you are, make sure that you say Gacy. They will either run for cover, laugh, or just look at you like an idiot. I for one would love it, but I’m too brown to pull off this one.

Drake

You want a cool costume idea? Dress up like the rapper Drake. No, don’t dress up like him right now, put on a black polo shirt, wear some dickies and some regular sneakers, and get into a wheelchair. That’s right, that idiot was in a wheelchair during Degrassi, and that’s what you should dress up as. Why not? People would laugh and you could even rap like him, I mean it doesn’t take much to win a Grammy anymore, does it? What he hasn’t won? Who cares.

Ok so my attempt at writing a new post ended up in a rant or diatribe, but hey, that’s me in a nutshell these days. If you’re going to shop online for Halloween costumes, click here and save a bundle, otherwise don’t, I don’t care. This will be a post that will have to hold you over until I start exploding with reviews that you may or may not want to read. Starting in the coming weeks, I'm going to just plow through all the movies I've seen or haven't seen, who knows. The point is that I need to start writing more here and hopefully someone out there will click on links buy something and get me out of this dreaded rut of lackluster writing. Seriously, 800 reviews and not one sale? That's harsh.

Vile Review

I caught Vile and wow, it has to get my award for the most brutal movie that I’ve seen in a long time. The film follows a group of teenagers and twenty something’s that get caught up in a deadly game. Think of another “Saw” clone and you will get close to what this whole film’s premise is. In fact, you could have called this “Saw 9” and no one would’ve noticed, as it is the exact same formula.

However, the taboos that you would normally not see in horror are found here. There is pain and anguish for the sake of it, and there’s severe brutality on women from men. Men beat the holy hell out of the girls here, all in the name of trying to get out the locked room. I can’t get behind that, it’s essentially just torture for the sake of torture, and that’s never been something I liked. It very much makes the story flow, but it’s not worthwhile.

The payoff is convoluted, the traps and the pain and suffering seems far too harsh and doesn’t end up in a means to an end situation for me. In fact, the ending is abrupt and vengeful in the story, but at that point I didn’t care. Vile is seriously twisted, and while it’s really brutal, it’s not worth your time. I tried to like it but it was just trying too hard to be “Saw” without the visuals, acting, and dare I say good plot and twist at the end.

The Conjuring Review

Well it looks like I’m back to the normal job route, and so far, I love my new job and will never go back to freelance writing again. It’s not worth it, even though I did it for a few years. Two weeks ago I saw The Conjuring, thanks to my sister. The movie has been rated really well on every major media site and so I was expecting a very good movie, and well, what I got instead was a lot of drivel, and for that reason I’m surprised that anyone loved it.

The movie follows real life exorcists and paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren. From their case files comes this story of possession, and you know everything that is going to happen. The same thing that happens in EVERY haunting movie from the last few years, happens here in the same exact way. There is NOTHING in this film that is new or unique. Outside of the fact that it may have happened in real life, this is another chapter in the “Paranormal Activity” and “Exorcist” world and it’s just drivel.

While I thought it had moments of weird, and scary times, the majority of the movie did not live up to any of the hype that was given to it by any major critic. It’s for that reason that I do not recommend this movie. It’s not worth it. It had a good opening, and then dwindled into another possession, ghost story.

Visuals in this film had some good notes, the sound design was great, and the credits at the end are well done, but the movie is not worth your time or money.

Second Look at Videodrome

When you think about the best films in blu ray, you may not immediately think about this one. However, this is an example of when technology delivers on all fronts with something amazing. For those that aren’t familiar with this movie, you are going to be blown away as it is a marvelous work of satire, oddity, and horror. We are introduced to a character that is not only obsessed, but turns into an all-out psycho amidst a flurry of visualizations that you are probably not going to see with any other movie out there. Videodrome is one of the best examples of creativity and horror elements and definitely deserves another look.

People sometimes remember this movie as a James Woods movie more than they do a Cronenberg flick, but it’s definitely one of his better ideas and movies, regardless of which person you are going to credit most between the two. The story carries through Woods’s character hallucinating and trying to figure out what is wrong with his television and as the movie progresses he realizes that it’s up to him to not only solve the riddle but destroy what very well may be the most elaborate brain control device. The movie has a stark realization throughout that points to the notion that television is controlling us all. Just think, how much time do you spend watching television in any form? You may find that this is all too real, all too real.

Throughout the dreams, the Videodrome emits violence, sex, and a variety of other things that are playing to drive the main character mad. He completely loses it and in the end, we find that the only end of the manipulating is an untimely end of it all as the main character drops out of touch with reality, permanently. For those that read into a variety of things, this is going to be one of the more elusive pieces of entertainment that you watch, until you look more into the ideas, origins, and story behind the creation of the script and production.

When you consider Criterion collection films, you will find that this is one of the better options out there. It not only captures the original movie with great precision, but makes it so much more enhanced. You’ll definitely find yourself wrapped up in Max’s world of illusion and insanity, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, if you watch it late night with the sound up, you could very well be scared to death. (ok not death) Videodrome is one of the absolute best examples of how you can mix imagery, satire, and horror all into one unflinching movement. Cronenberg does that to his audience and it wouldn’t be pulled off without the fact that this is very much a James Woods movie. If you haven’t purchased it yet, what are you waiting for? This is seriously one of the best films in blu ray available today.

Scary Film Review’s 2012 Holiday Wishlist

Every year I post an annual wish list of sorts in hopes of spreading my holiday cheer to anyone that loves horror movies and wants to pick up something for themselves via our links. This year, I’ve made it a point to select a few items that will reflect the nature of this site as well as the 5 readers still commenting and trying to win the prize of the month.

If you purchase any of these from the links I provide, I get a few cents back. It helps me keep writing instead of flipping burgers.

Here is the Scary Film Review’s 2012 Holiday Wishlist



The Walking Dead Board Game – If you’re a fan of the comics, the television show, and just a fan of zombies in general, you have to pick up this game. Hours of fun and excitement can be had with this extreme board game that pits survivors against zombies! Can you survive? Click here to pick up this game and get it delivered in time for the new season.



Stephen King’s Dark Tower Omnibus Hardcover – The comics that were based on Stephen King’s Dark Tower novels is now available in a hardcover edition that delivers nearly 1,000 pages of the original comic series in a hardbound amazing edition. If you are a fan, click here, and pick this up. It’s simply stunning on the inside.

Movies

Aside from the above quick picks, you’ll probably want to pick up some movies right? If you’re still buying Blu Ray and not just streaming, consider my list of the best things to get horror movie fans this year. (Click through the links to purchase them)

Cabin in the Woods Blu Ray – A surprise hit for me, although the ending was a bit, well, you’ll find out.

The Walking Dead Season 2 Limited Edition Gore Head Blu Ray – This collection comes in a nasty gorey head. It’s quite possibly the best release ever put in a limited edition box set.

The Twilight Zone Complete Blu Ray Set – This is the mother of science fiction television and is wonderfully presented in a 24 disc Blu Ray set with more special features than you can throw a stick at.

That’s it. Let me know what you are getting this holiday season, and if you’re going to shop online please visit amazon.com here, and help me keep this site going instead of having to work a normal 9 to 5. Thank you.

Top 5 Hardcore Revenge Horror Films

When it comes to certain genres of horror films, many people start to question their validity as pure entertainment. For instance, many people can’t stomach certain scenes in cinema that depict sexual situations that are of a “forced” nature. To put it bluntly, rape. There is nothing entertaining about that in the real world, yet the horror genre likes to put a spin on it, allowing viewers to see the atrocity in full view then come back with a punch to the balls of anyone that found it funny or even remotely entertaining. How do they do it? Simple. They introduce a revenge plot in which the raped woman or male in certain instances gets full revenge in the most cartoonish of ways, or in some cases the most atrocious of ways.

When thinking about hardcore revenge horror films, 5 stand out as some of the best and worst in many different ways. That’s why today we will be briefly spotlighting 5 of those movies that made me cringe or at least open my eyes wider as revenge is a dish best served piping hot full of shi……never mind.



#5 I Spit On Your Grave (1978) – This controversial movie came out with a brutal premise, but it doesn’t just go from bad times to bad times, there’s a reversal of roles and no sin is left unpunished. Well, unless you count the sin of low budget cinema and production flaws, but it was 1978, a different era in movie making, right? Anyways, this movie was remade, but lacked the substance and style of this original. If you are into genital mutilation revenge plots ala “Ricco The Mean Machine” then you have to look at t his one as one of the best examples of revenge!



#4 Last House on the Left (1972) – What was it with the 70s? Some of the most violent and disturbing images came out throughout those damn hippy years! Whatever the case is, Wes Craven proved to shock the movie world with a revenge kidnapping plot that had some more, well genital mutilation. This one is still worth checking out after all these years. Once again the remake doesn’t hold a candle to the original.



#3 Last House on the Beach (1978) – Eurotrash fans will love this classic tale that turns into a swift revenge plot. Teenage girls alone at a beach house are brutally messed up by thugs, and when one of the girls is skilled, our main heroine decides enough is enough and it’s time to get REVENGE!



#2 Northville Cemetery Massacre (1976) – Touted as one of the ultimate biker flicks of all time, this movie features a mix of all things exploitation film and all things revenge. You get a sense for violence where there are no heroes, and when the law rapes a young woman, it’s the lawless that have to man up and lay down, well….the LAW!



#1 Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1973) – This is the ultimate of all of the revenge films you’re going to see in regards to the premise of hardcore. This one takes the cake in a lot of ways. If you get the unrated version, this movie turns into a XXX romp; with a slow motion pop shot that is not only disturbing, but also very stimulating for those that like to see that sort of thing. One girl, one eye, one shotgun, and that’s all you need to know!

If you like revenge films, these are your #1 stunners, and they are definitely worth purchasing for your collection. If you’re going to buy anything from amazon, please click here to visit there and bookmark the page. It helps me keep writing about this stuff and it costs you nothing extra. Thank you.

5 Horror Movie Reviews You Missed

I’ve been hard at work writing this website for about 5 years now. It has lasted longer than most of my other attempts at writing on the web, with the exception of my WWE review website that I still have up and update from time to time. My love for horror movies started a young age and through my years I have made sure to write commentary, reviews, and all sorts of things online about them.

Since today I didn’t have time to review a full movie, I decided to talk about 5 horror movie reviews that you’re missing out on. With 750+ reviews done on this site, it can be a daunting task to read everything that I have posted. In order to compensate for that, here is a quick 5 horror movie reviews that you’re missing out on that you might want to look into.



#5 Jack Frost Review – It’s that time again for the wintertime, and you better believe I did reviews on a variety of holiday horror movies. I did it two years in a row looking for only that type of movie to talk about. Jack Frost is one of the better ones that I found, but that’s not saying a whole lot.



#4 LIfeforce – Today you can get this movie in a variety of different ways, but when I first wrote about it, that movie was hard to find and wasn’t going to be easy to get a hold of. Now, you can even find it through Netflix. Oh well, the review was up and is up rather, and my writing suffers when I am tired.



#3 Chaos (2005) – This rare out of print movie is the hardest movie I’ve ever seen at the time. However, a Serbian Film tips the scales because that movie is just pure evil. This one though, is hard to watch on a variety of levels. It’s probably one of the hardest non-pornographic movies I’ve seen ever.



#2 Basket Case 3 – I’m one of the few bloggers that wrote about this out of print movie long ago. I’m sure it’s now in print, but I remember having a poster on my wall of this film in High School, and always loved the premise of having a Siamese twin in a BASKET! This one is outlandish, and reminds me of a better time in horror movie history.



#1 Death Note – An under-appreciated film that really didn't live up to the hype, but maybe I should give it a second chance...I don't know.

Click through those 5 reviews from the past, and remember leave a comment anywhere and you can win The Walking Dead Season 1 and 2 on Blu Ray.

One last thing, if you’re gong to shop on Amazon.com please click here to visit that site and support the writing, blogging and career of yours truly. At the time of this writing I do nothing else but write for a living. I would prefer not to go back to the 9 to 5 world, but might have to if I can’t make these things work. So if you are going to shop at amazon click here, or visit the Best Horror Movie site here. Thank you.

The Best Horror Movies in 3D

The third dimension, that place that allows you to jump into the movies and be a part of the action, at least if your eyes don’t automatically correct everything you’re watching. I wear glasses, so every time I see a 3D movie, I end up seeing things from a 2D perspective. Damn you genes! Oh and damn you jeans! I like Dickies, but that’s neither here nor there, or underwear! SCORE!

Sorry.

The Best Horror Movies in 3D definitely has a lot of people arguing, and if you search the online world, you’ll find all sorts of opinions on the matter. I find that my top 5 list that will be found here will also bring about a lot of arguments. But let’s be civil and see what my personal pick of the best 5 horror movies in 3D are! (Make sure to comment if you want to win the prize this month)

#5 – Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D



One year before I was born the people that made Jason a household name though that they could top the box office records set by their slasher film by throwing logic out of the window and selling those nifty paper and plastic lenses (the red and blue ones, those were rad) and what ensued was a maddening entrance of horror and slasher glory! This is by far one of my (5th actually) favorite movies in 3D! You can tell things were done for “cheese” factor because if it weren’t, someone would’ve been fired.

#4 – Saw VII: The Final Saw 3D



I still think that they can do “Son of Saw” or something, but whatever. The seventh film in the series, and the seventh movie that I plopped $12 to go see was done in 3D and I for one enjoyed myself. I loved the way the guts and stuff flew through the camera while I was trying to cut a hole in my popcorn…err…I didn’t really do that. I am not that smooth, and I don’t even remember seeing this with anyone. Saw VII is one of those movies that you either love or hate, and I for one didn’t hate it.

#3 – Amityville 3D



This movie came out and blew open the doors of the third dimension and made me as fall asleep. It was a remake that really wasn’t half bad, and even though I feel that the whole Amityville thing is overrated, they most certainly created a pretty cool landscape worth checking out again and again.

#2 – House of Wax 3D



It was the 1950s and while many chicks and dudes were making out in the backseat of their fancy cars, I’d like to think that there were some brave people watching House of Wax in 3D! Yep, this is a pretty cool upgrade to the original film, and it featured that classic Vincent Price take on horror. I might have said he was overrated in the past, but it’s pretty cool to see how this was part of the 3D horror landscape. It still holds up pretty well, and the music, well that’s the key to the thrills, right? Right?

#1 – Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare



I was 8 years old when this movie came out and was excited! My dad took me to see this awesome 3D movie and I bought into the whole 3D thing wearing my glasses through the whole thing. Even though the movie wasn’t amazing, it still had enough gusto to make my 8-year-old heart skip a beat here and there. It holds up ok, and the Iggy Pop song is still cool overall.

There you have it, my top 5 best 3D Horror Movies, what do you think? Leave me a comment and you could win The Walking Dead Season 1 & 2 on Blu Ray. Oh and please shop on amazon.com here, it will help me stay away from working a 9 to 5 and get more prizes for the months to come!

The Dentist Review

Ah yes, the most hated medical profession outside of being a Proctologist, has to be this one, The Dentist. In this review, I will be talking about that and wonder a few things that I have experienced in my life and some things you might want to chime in about, all in all a good time. So sit back, grab a stiff drink (I like Gin & Tonic), and enjoy the ramblings of your host with the most, Sir J.

The Dentist is a movie that I’ve seen before, but haven’t in a long time, so I had to watch it again in order to remind myself of how cool Corbin is. It stars Corbin Bernsen, one of my personal favorite actors in a role that is quite maddening in many ways. A well to do doctor is having problems with his marriage (and no, it’s not that he’s not going down…er….never mind), and one day catches his wife and the pool guy getting some action. He gets mad, so mad that he goes forward to grab his gun and hunts down the pool guy at a friends house, when he is caught by a friend of his wife. They exchange pleasantries before he finds out that the pool guy is banging her too! Now, don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a porno, but I swear I saw a pornographic movie start this way, but then again, I just remember a pool house in the Asia Carrera movie “The Bitch” in where…er…once again never mind.

The plot of the movie becomes a revenge thing, where our antihero goes nuts in his dental practice and starts hurting his patients. As he slips more and more into madness and molests one of the women that comes to get a cleaning, he starts to kill them off in the most ridiculous of dental ways. As the film progresses he eventually is caught, and this morality play ends with him in a very uncomfortable position.

Corbin Bernsen rocks this one, slipping in and out of madness as the evil dental professional, and at times you are rooting for him. At other times, you’re disgusted by the makeup effects that are used to make the kills and thrills more gorey. One major prosthetic is amazing, however, with a man’s mouth opened at full mast and his teeth and tongue exaggerated for the camera.

The revenge plot thing works well here, and the movie is fast paced. On one side you want to root for him, because that good for nothing pool man is getting it on with all the wives. Then again, he shouldn’t kill, he should just get a divorce right? Or maybe he should get revenge somehow, that doesn’t involve killing? Who knows, it’s a standard horror piece with above average nudity and comedic timing that may or may not be intentional. I recommend The Dentist, it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made get wood….er never mind.

3 Cool Euro Trash Blu Ray Discs To Buy

When it comes to European trash movies, I’m a big fan. Whether it’s exploring the evil and satanic nuns of Italian and Spanish fame, or I’m knee deep in the rape-revenge flicks that sliced in pornographic scenes with femme fatales that would put shotguns in the mouths of their oppressors, I love the genres that came out of this era of exploitation cinema.

Today, I wanted to veer into some of my favorites and just recommend that you please help this blog by checking them out, purchasing them, or at least helping me out by going to amazon.com here, and picking up whatever you’d like. I’m 100% freelance and write for a living, so I’m not making billions, and need your help.

Here are 3 cool Eurotrash Blu Ray discs to purchase today:



Baron Blood Blu Ray – Mario Bava really turns up the scar tactics in this story about a Student abroad trying to learn about his family. This movie plays on the sadist ideologies that seemed to run rampant in the exploitation genre, but you’ll find that it’s not exactly gore filled, despite an awesome disc cover. Pre-order this one at a major savings.



Amer Blu Ray – One of the most interesting and beautiful pieces of giallo cinema is found in this 1970s Italian euro trash picture. It might be mislabeled but when you get to the eroticism that is presented here, you’ll understand why even a high definition transfer doesn’t change the notion. You’ll find the transfer to be one of the best reasons to own a blu ray player today.



Living Dead Girl Blu Ray – This French film ties together the hysterics of toxic waste and earthquakes into a terrifying tale about when zombies rise from the grave to feed on the flesh and blood of humans. This transfer is amazing, and you get an awesome amount of features to go with the bloodlust that is sure to entice even the most jaded of horror movie fans.

My Top 5 Dario Argento Films

When it comes to Italian Horror there are many names that come to mind, but none other than Dario Argento strikes fear into my heart. Ok, so I am no longer scared, but when I was a kid a lot of the movies that he made were translated into Spanish and shown on Latino television. I saw a lot of the movies uncut, and they were wicked in many ways. Today, since I had to work a lot more than usual, and didn’t have time to settle in with some popcorn, I wanted to post my favorite 5 movies from Argento. These are in no particular order, and if you agree or disagree let me know. Drop me a line, or buy the movie and review it.



The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970) Buy it here – This one really fascinated me when I was a kid. The whole mystery of who’s calling and why is a weird bird noise the only thing that is audible? Not only that, I’ve always been fascinated by writers, so when the protagonist is a writer with writer’s block, I bought into the story. The cool part about this film is the consistent use of first person views for set up to the kills. You see black gloves; a weapon and then you get the blood. I’ve always liked the over the top blood used by Argento and it runs plenty here. The film was and is an instant classic, with lovely ladies, and cool backdrops, leading to a climax that can only be a work of this Italian director, if you ask anyone.



Opera (1987) buy it here – This was a very stylish and sinister film. A young woman is cast in a new Opera role and all is going well, until a killer is let loose and a stalker is chasing her. Set to an interesting backdrop of singing and stage production, this movie really grabs a hold of your jugular and doesn’t let go. Before “Saw” made it big, this was an ultimate torturous volume in which our protagonist is forced to watch a lot of sinister things going on, or else dies. The contraption of putting razor spikes on the eyelids so that you have to keep them open is spot on sinister and something that you’d expect from Jigsaw. Only this movie came long before that iconic series. In a classic reveal we see the true nature of the killer in the end, but not until we get some awesome kills, thrills and blood spills.



Inferno (1980) Buy it here - A strange book sets up the viewer for an interesting romp through mystery and terror. The movie is the ultimate jump scare and sinister movie with hauntings going throughout. I love the cover, and have always loved the skull. The story moves through some awesome points, with some stiff and sick kills, even though it’s a bit of a long setup at first. You will get classic Argento screams, over saturated blood colors, and lovely Italian actresses that I’d love to say hello to, but wouldn’t know how to bed. This movie is a mixture of Argento’s trademark pictures, with a lot of cool music to balance out the hauntings and killings.



Suspiria (1977) Buy It Here – Who knew that the ballet could be so frightening? In one of my all time favorite horror movies, Argento moves the camera to an all-new beautiful level. The art, framing, and photography here are immense as well as the scares that you receive through the film. This Avant-garde type of European horror is insane by comparison to anything you’d see today. It has a great deal sinister motives from start to finish. You’ll fall in love with this one as I did, as it is mind numbing in many ways.



Tenebrae (1982) Buy it here – My all time favorite film by Argento is an interesting tale about a writer who seems to have a problem. The problem is that the author’s books are coming to life and there is a serial killer that is killing women and stuffing pages of his books into their throats! When I first saw this movie, I wasn’t at all impressed, but then I recently saw it again, and realized how awesome this one is. You get all the suspense of a modern movie, with the Argento framing and interesting concept, all the way until the final reveal that will blow you away. I absolutely loved the ending; especially the way things just don’t seem to add up. Check it out; it’s by far the best from Argento!

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976-Evil 2 (1992) Review

Sometimes you have to look back to your own past to find movies to review, because there are just so many options out there. I have millions of choices, and I have to narrow down the selections each day, watch something, then write about it, and hope that someone out there will be inspired to purchase something from amazon or click an ad so that I can feed my hobby. Today, I picked a movie to review that reminded me of the old school rental shops. You know the ones, the one in your community that was run by the Asian guys, and they usually had a stack of vhs tapes behind them, all categorized by number. They let you rent whatever, age didn’t matter, and a lot of the times they would leave the porno section open for little kids to wander in and get an education in Snuff Film: Death On Camera
. I found this movie while in the horror section, often times called the “terror” section, and I thought it was a porno. The design of many horror vhs tapes, if you recall, often times resembled porn, and t hat was probably the intent so that people would rent the films. Man, I miss those days. The movie I’m reviewing today is a classic to me, maybe not to you, but it’s from 1992 and it’s a sequel to the Robert Englund directed film about a phone sex line from hell, it’s none other than 976-Evil 2!

The cool thing about this movie, at least the first thing that you get are boobs. You get a full-blown shower scene with a hot coed, and for those that are looking for that sort of thing, you get it up front. If you wanted to wack it before you got through the film’s main plot, the director hooks you up fast. There’s something different about nude scenes from the last 20 years and how the bodies have changed. Even porn, the bodies are all weird, but that’s neither here nor there, we’re talking about a gift to all the teenagers that picked this movie up and thought it was a porno, congrats, you have entered puberty! Ladies, I’m sorry.

The movie is an odd one, it doesn’t follow the original’s plot in a way, in fact it steals from the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series quite a bit. A college professor gets in trouble for trying to rape and kill a student, and he starts to get his powers by calling the evil 976 number. When he asks for his release, the number tells him that there is someone greater that will replace him, and he starts to panic. But before that manifestation occurs he goes on a killing spree from jail, he gets into the minds of his victims and then takes them out ala Freddy, only with no glove. The deaths are pretty cool, including good gore here and there. At one point a mack truck completely obliterates a guy into a million pieces, which is kind of a cool effect for 1992.

The rest of the film is your classic chase and run final girl type of movie. However, there is a secondary hero here, his name being Spike. He’s a perfect foil and antihero but he too is evil as we find out, and well, the final girl is not so final, well she kind of is as she lives.

The movie is interesting, funny, and a classic homage to the 1980s slasher films
that we love so much. The deaths are funny, the town doesn’t believe what’s going on, and the villain is super natural. There’s also a cool twist at the end, which could provide a nice entry point into a third film! This movie is everything you want from horror that doesn’t necessarily scar you to death. There are a few jump scenes, and the movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it’s a good one. I liked it. I recommend checking out 976-Evil 2 today! No, really, I do.



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Top 5 Hammer Horror Movies

The Hammer Horror studio is best known for putting Christopher Lee in the role of Dracula time and time again, and while some people absolutely loathe the movies that came out of the studio, others find the films to be awesome, especially those that mixed exploitation and horror quite nicely. Admittedly, some of the movies are horrible, and boring, but there are some shining gems amidst a lot of the movies that were continually being pushed to the public. Here is my list of the top 5 Hammer Horror movies.



The Brides of Dracula – The Brides of Dracula put together sex and vampires together long before HBO decided to throw it all together. This film from the 1960s has that classic old school feel and while the pacing can use some work, the blood and artistic viewpoint of the Dracula myth is all presented quite nicely. The brides come out of their graves to become the antagonists of this gothic horror picture, and while we get another shot at Peter Cushing in his infamous rolls with Hammer, it’s Baron Meinster that really gets the credit here. I love it, and you might enjoy it too.



Dracula Has Risen From The Grave – The year was 1968 when this movie came out and Christopher Lee played Dracula, in one of the better interpretations of the original tale. When you see this movie you will feel as though you are on set, or watching a stage play, the way the camera moves, the way the costumes are meticulously made, the way the acting draws you in. The whole time you are not sure whether to cheer for the vampire or to cheer for the hero, because Christopher Lee makes the old bastard look so cool.



Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed – A year after the aforementioned film, Peter Cushing reprised his role of an evil Baron, only this time he isn’t a protagonist, he is all bad. This guy is pure evil and he is out to somehow get his way and create a monster that will do his bidding. While some people will be mad at me for including this film in this list due to the strong rape scene, I will say that it’s just a movie and a Hammer movie at that. Grow up, it’s not making it “cool”, ok. Peter Cushing and his monster get the #3 spot, even though Frankenstein must be destroyed!



The Curse of the Werewolf – This wasn’t exactly a great one, but after repeated viewings this movie is actually not half bad. The movie has a lot of slow points, then really picks up in the third and fourth act, with the wolf going nuts and getting beaten and shot. The cool thing here was the mutation scene, which was far better than the Universal Monster movies. Although, my favorite wolf transition happens in The Howling, this one is kind of cool, even though it was from the early 1960s.

Now, at this point you probably are wondering what I would pick for the number one spot, and when you see it, you’ll understand, especially because the poster is so rad.



Dracula 1972 – One of my favorite movie posters is also my favorite Hammer Horror movie. This film updates the story of Dracula and places him in the present (well at the time it was the present), and with an all-new updated cast of cronies to help him. We also are introduced to the descendent of Van Helsing with Jessica Van Helsing, and Johnny Alucard. (Alucard is not a descendent, but teams up with the girl) The movie is a bit dry, but it has some awesome moments with Christopher Lee once again playing the role of Dracula and making it hard not to cheer for him.

There you have it, 5 of my favorites from Hammer Horror, what are your favorites? Drop me a line.

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Demon Knight Review

There’s just something awesome about comedy horror, something better than the average thriller and scary movie attempt. Maybe it’s the fearlessness that is involved with putting out a horror flick that has a comedic side to it, or maybe I’m just sentimental over anything with the Crypt Keeper in it. Well, with that in mind, let us focus our attention on another sad sack of a review, this time for Demon Knight.

Demon Knight tells an interesting story about demons (of course) that have come back to the earth to collect several keys of ownership that will send out a legion of conquerors from the depths of Hell. We are introduced to the head demon, and a drifter with a secret, but not before we have some awesome high speed, death defying car explosion to start the program. The car chase and explosion is a classic scene, something that you’d find in a Tarantino flick or something, way ahead of its time. Maybe I just like the way it was portrayed, but the panic was awesome. Almost as good as the car blowing through the motel in Vacancy, but I digress. The story is about one man, a brothel, and a demon that is dead set on getting the final key to the world’s soul.

Throughout the film we are introduced to characters that have to somehow decide to help the demon or not, and they are enticed by things that they really want. From drugs, booze, to women and more, temptations are rampant in this film. When someone refuses, bad things happen, and it seems like there’s no way to stop the onslaught of evil…until we get to the reveal.

You see, the drifter has a secret, a relic that he has which is the blood of Jesus Christ that he has to pass on, and protect. It helps revive people; it helps to create an interesting tie in to an otherwise demonic movie.

The gore, make up, and demons are all top par. There are some minor glitches with the CGI but it’s not over done at all, and you really get a sense for horror timing. The movie doesn’t rely solely on jump scares and stupid chases; there is a certain cerebral aspect to this movie that makes you laugh, and shout when bad and good things happen.

Demon Knight is a funny horror film, sometimes scary, but mostly done in the tradition of Tales from the Crypt, so I don’t mind it at all. If you haven’t seen this in a while, you owe it to yourself to check it out. It’s actually quite good, despite the age. Oh and Billy Zane is awesome, as well as Thomas Haden Church long before he was Sandman in the Spiderman movie. Pick up Demon Knight and enjoy a 90 minute comedy horror romp of epic proportions. I liked it.



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5 Favorite Episodes of Tales From The Crypt Season 2

When it comes to horror on television, you can definitely include Tales from the Crypt as one of the standout shows. The HBO series really put things into perspective with a long run of stellar 30-minute shows, and of course spinoff movies that featured all the things you’d expect from the macabre. I recently sat down and watched Season 2 and wanted to highlight my 5 favorite episodes from that season, which included guest starts like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Demi Moore, and many others. So here you go, 5 favorites from season 2!

#5 The Ventriloquist’s Dummy – In this awesome episode you get a stellar performance from Don Rickles. Not only is he himself in many ways, he transcends his comic styling by acting really well. We see a washed up comedian and entertainer, idolized by a youngster and the reveal ending that will have you laughing, crying, and probably freaked out. The young child in the beginning of the story turns out to be none other than Bobcat Goldwait and he pulls in one hell of a performance here. He can really act, making this episode one of the better ones, even if the premise of the dummy being a Siamese twin is a bit much. I loved this one, especially with the one-liners that probably didn’t appear in the script from Rickles.

#4 Judy, You’re Not Yourself Today – Carol Kane is so dreamy, I love her acting, and well, she’s hot too. Either way, in this episode a door-to-door saleswoman changes places with our main character, turning her into a class A bitch. However, in the course of the show several changes have to be made back and forth and in the end the Husband must shoot/kill the fake one…but the moral of the story is something more along the lines of gun control than anything else…you’ll see. Did I mention Carol Kane is hot?

#3 Four-Sided Triangle – Patricia Arquette makes a stunning role here as a farmhand where she is nearly raped, then falls in love with a scarecrow. An old pervert figures this out and then tries his luck at sleeping with the young lady, only to get a fork full from his wife. A very interesting, yet odd story that played well in the end for everyone involved.

#2 Fitting Punishment – This story tells a creepy tale of child abuse gone wrong. A funeral director punishes his new-orphaned grandson and cripples him. Then he wants to get rid of him so he does that too, only to get a return from the grave in a nightmare world where the punishment truly does fit the crime. This all African American cast really puts a great show on, and I loved the ending, even if continuity has to go out the window. This is by far one of the better episodes of the show ever!

#1 For Cryin’ Out Loud – First and foremost Katey Sagal is hot, wow! A crooked rock promoter wants to get away with a lot of money, but is trapped by a seductress. However, he finds a way to knock her out, and run, but his conscience won’t let him. His conscience is none other than, SAM KINISON! OHHHHH OHHH OHHHH!!!!! Sam drives our protagonist crazy until he finally goes to the electric chair. Sam Kinison makes this a great episode, and the expressions of our crook are priceless in comparison.

There you go, 5 great episodes from Season 2 of Tales from the Crypt. Personally, this season is probably the best there is of the show, but that’s just one humble idiot’s opinion.



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3 Things Wrong With The Total Recall Remake

My girlfriend (Amanda) and I went to scope out the new Total Recall remake, since the previews made it seem like a worthwhile romp into the not so near future. The movie is set up quite like the original, only this time it’s trumped up to 11 in terms of realism, if you can call it that, compared to the old one. There are few old gags left in this film, and the Internet will most likely buzz about the three-breasted lady that appears in full nipple glory at one point. If a chance at seeing 3 breasts in full frontal glory is your main reason for living, this movie is going to be your final destination.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually like science fiction tales, but when there are blatant wrong points, you start to gather up your belongings as a fan and walk away. That’s how I felt about this one, even though it did have some entertaining moments, and I didn’t feel like it was a total waste of money. Considering the time frame, and how I saw it, I’ll have to preface this by saying that I fell asleep at one point, but that’s because the Hard Rock Café made me a sick drink that knocked me on my ass.

3 Things Wrong with Total Recall

Realism Overdone – The realism in this film is overdone, even for science fiction standards. Every little detail has to be drawn, produced, and shot on film. You get a sense of scale when the final sequences only amass to a small scope of a larger city. In the original, you didn’t feel this huge sense of scale, most likely because it was on Mars etc. This Earth story is interesting, but the immense and complex city structure made for a “who cares” moment when the climax hit full gear.

Villain Problems – When you cast the main villain to be the same guy from “Malcolm in the Middle” and “Breaking Bad” you get a bit of both sides coming through. I appreciated the villain to a certain extent, but he’s a wuss, and I mean that. You’ll see why when you watch the movie. Now, as for the opposite end of the spectrum, Kate Beckinsale can really kick some ass, and she proves it again here. I couldn’t believe how far they put her in the film, far more than Sharon Stone ever had in the original. The villain becomes superhuman at one point amidst a robot army that just seemed like overkill to me.

Light on Story – The story this time around takes the original and makes it even lighter. The story is so light that you spend a great amount of time in high-speed hovercraft chases and lots of reaction shots. This makes for a somewhat boring movie, especially if you don’t have something like Imax to make you feel like you’re dropping with the characters. It relies heavily on this cat and mouse thing that worked in the first film because of Arnold’s constant shifts from running to calmly moving forward to the main plot points. This has two or three plot points and then the rest of the film is running.

The movie is fast paced, holds your attention, but when it comes to the original, it’s forgettable at best. I’d still recommend it for a movie night with your main squeeze, it was worthwhile.

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The Lawnmower Man Review

Before I get started, I wanted to point out that Stephen King sued the makers of this movie because they completely wrecked his story. I don’t know which is better, but I am willing to bet that Stephen King had a good reason for his lawsuit, since he won, and the makers had to essentially remove any reference to the original story. So if you hear someone say that this is a Stephen King movie, tell them to go to hell and punch them in the face, because their stupid and not worth your time. (Do not do any of that, jerks)

The Lawnmower Man came out in 1992, and it was met with somewhat positive reviews at the time, and it holds up well for those that are really into cyberpunk. Pierce Brosnan stars in this story of a scientist that is just about to break through with virtual reality. The cyberpunk influences are huge here folks, as we get a little bit of planet of the apes and modern man thrown into one convoluted story. When the monkey (a monkey rather) subjects start to get extremely smart, they snap, and go on a rampage. We see this rampage with a clever POV camera style that is often times seen in pornography rather than cinema. The first person aspects lend credibility to the beginning as we get the conflict fairly early. With the monkey killing spree shutting down the research, Dr. Lawrence (Brosnan) thinks his work is ruined, and well, his life is over…until he sees a mentally ill lawnmower helper named Jobe. He figures that human testing is the way to go and he of course does what any self respecting man of science does, he does it without the consent or watchful eye of his lab or government grant funders.

The story continues with Jobe getting into the virtual reality machine and getting fed knowledge, which is not too unlike the later plot for “Batman Forever” in which The Riddler goes from super smart to insane and in an asylum. That is the story line we are given here, that the stability of a person’s mind is a fragile thing and when you introduce too much information too swiftly, the ego and alter ego go nuts.

The movie is a fast paced rundown of cool graphics for 1992. The visuals aren’t going to win awards today, however, back in the 90s this thing had legs and made everyone clamor for a new 3D video game system to arrive, even though nothing that came out in the 90s really made for a great example of what could be. Remember Virtual Boy? Yeah, that sucked. The visuals here are definitely what’s going to take you back into a mind melt, but the God complex syndrome that is always attached to science is disturbing. Furthermore, it’s odd to see a sex scene where the nerdy guy gets the girl…that never happens, trust me, I know.

Pierce Brosnan really does a good job playing an uptight scientist, even if he seems out of his element towards the end of the film, but he manages well enough. Jobe gets creepier and creepier, and by the time you realize that he’s neither villain nor protagonist, you almost feel sorry for the dude, except when he essentially wants to conquer the world. The ending leaves an opening for a sequel, which was in fact made, and the story isn’t half bad.

I want to also stress that the visuals aside from the 3D renderings are great. The way the camera moves in and out, side to side, and so much more really is high quality. The director of photography really did a good job setting up a lot of the shots here and you can tell there's more to the movie than just a cyberpunk story mixed with elements of "Planet of the Apes".

But wait, there’s more!


Is it me, or does Jobe look like Joe Rogan here?

In the 90s it seemed like the Super Nintendo system was destined to overtake all over systems, and for a while it did. Not only did it have quality games, it also had movie franchises left and right coming to the console. That’s what happened with this and if you really want to relive it, you can buy Lawnmower Man for SNES HERE. You can get into the virtual reality world and play in all 16-bit glory, which is kind of cool, if you want to relive the glory days of minor league video games.

Bottom line, The Lawnmower Man is a cool cyberpunk flick. Those that want to relive some of that 90s horror mixed with science fiction will love it. I don’t personally want to see it over and over again, but if you do, by all means get this one alongside the sequel, and throw a viewing party at your house.



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