Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Lair of The White Worm Review

lair of the white worm

Ah yes, I’m back again with another review, and this time around it features Hugh Grant. Remember him? He’s that guy that got in trouble for banging that hooker here in Los Angeles. Too bad he was dating Elizabeth Hurley at the time, man I’d love to hang out with her…but I’ll digress. Lair of the White Worm is the film that I’ll be talking about today, or at least I’ll try to talk about it.

This film is about an archeologist that discovers a rare skull and turns out is a large snakehead. The snake is of a mythical creature that was worshiped there for centuries. Now when an immortal priestess catches wind she steals the skull and then sacrifices it to her god…or so she tries.

The film switches between the nerds and this really hot woman played by Amanda Donohoe. She’s like a snake vampire, and takes out a few people before she kidnaps a young woman and is about to feed her to what is now discovered as a real creature, the White Worm!

That’s about as simple of a plot point I can bring up. However, the film has some strange turns in the middle. There are some weird dream sequences, highly sexual innuendo featuring a ballpoint pen, stewardesses fighting, orgies featuring a snake, the crucifixion, Roman soldiers and so much more. The film goes off the rails so much that by the time you realize that this is a tongue and cheek horror film; you don’t really care any longer.

The film is based on a novel by Bram Stoker and I thought it was British, but I couldn’t find it. It might be Scottish, it might not be, I don’t know. The film was slow moving; the gore was laughable, except for a sick eyeball gauge, which was cool. The white worm effects were quite good, and the vampire/snake woman that gets eaten alive was awesome.

Lair of the White Worm is a cool movie, with some strange dream points. I didn’t really find the acting good, and some of the scenes were stupid. However, there was enough gusto here and there to keep me watching, and the ending was quite good. I loved the White Worm that looked like a penis flying out of a butthole, and sucking up a vampire/snake woman. Yeah, this movie was not a great one, but heck, I didn’t expect much from this 1988 film starring Hugh Grant. The last shot of the film was cool though, even if the rest of the film lacked something.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Second Opinion: The Hunchback of the Morgue Review

And now a second opinion, written by Dollface.

The Hunchback of the Morgue is a Spanish film directed by Javier Aguirre, from 1973, and as you might know was watched by Sir Jorge, and myself; Dollface.

Set in a small German village with people of an incredibly asshole like in nature and a hunchback that works in a morgue, which they enjoy tormenting on a regular basis. This film is for anyone who enjoys movies so horrible, that they become hysterical.

Full of ridiculous fake blood, and unnecessary, yet amusing bondage scenes between women in a hospital, a badly made monster costume that looks comparable to what South Parks “Mister Hankey” would look like as a walking turd, and (what I believe to be ) an ass kicking hunchback with severe separation anxiety and sexual frustration, you won’t be dissapointed.

Oh, and that’s not forgetting this was a movie made overseas, so, it has HORRIBLY funny voice-overs of every stereotypical American accent you can imagine.

My opinion?

If movies could be based on cheese? This one is Kraft. Its the cheesiest!

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Hunchback of the Morgue Review

There are a lot of Spanish movies that I just don’t get, and then there are some that boring throughout, then throw you so much gore and stupidity, that by the end of the film you’re not sure what you saw. The Hunchback of the Morgue is one of those films that has you somewhere in between. I fell asleep at one point, but woke up long enough to see the ending.

The film is about an outcast that works inside a morgue. His hunchback makes him a target for bullies, and when his only friend dies, he vows to bring her back from the grave. He starts this vow by killing two orderlies and spilling guts all over the place. The bright red goo is a sight to see, and brings the R rating straight to the forefront of this film.

After the initial body parts, you have to sit through a Frankenstein type of story where zombies are being made by a mad scientist, and then things get out of control. The film ends up with a weird finish and the hunchback doesn’t seem to get the victory in the end, nor do I think he was supposed to.

Gotho (the hunchback) is a sad moronic character that has some retard-strength. The Frankenstein mix up was kind of interesting, and the zombie twist wasn’t something I saw coming. The movie was boring, it had bad pacing, but it did have a lot of red in between a few more less than prominent points of interest. I don’t think the film is worth it, but my girlfriend thought it was rad and recommends it. I was too tired to care. 1973 wasn’t a great year for horror, but hey, Spanish cinema has some terrible movies to offer, this isn’t one of them. I didn’t like it that much, but it’s worth checking out just for sheer premise alone.

Friday, September 9, 2011

House of Fallen Review

Every now and again a movie will try to bring the bible to life and will completely lose most of its audience. This is one of those movies, and it completely lost me and I’m a biblical scholar. The movie House of Fallen is supposed to be a movie about or rather loosely based on the Book of Enoch, and wow, it is a slow moving film through stupidity.

I wanted to like this movie, mainly because Corbin Bernsen is in it, and I like him on the show Psych. However, even his acting can’t save this film at all. The movie follows a group of people that start a war with fallen angels, and you get to see it through a thriller/slasher style.

There’s nothing worth noting about this film. It feels like a made for tv film, it is really boring and quite possibly one of the worst attempts at a horror movie I’ve managed to sit through a very long time. I’m not usually put to sleep by the selections I get for this site, but this one did it. I managed to go back and watch it, but wow, what a terrible film.

I don’t recommend this one. I don’t want to talk about it or review it anymore. Just don’t see it, walk away.

3 Reasons To Shop At The Official Star Trek Store

You can find geek goods all over the Internet, but you won’t find the best products just anywhere, you have to go to the official stores for some of the better options. For instance, if you like Star Trek, you should definitely check out the official Star Trek Store to find the best overall selection and style.

If you’re not familiar with the prowess of this ecommerce solution, consider the following 3 reasons why you should shop at the Official store rather than a third party option.

1. Free Shipping – Spend just $80 and you can garner free shipping on your whole order. You’ll be hard-pressed not to spend this amount, especially since you can find a wide selection of options to invest in. Whether you’re looking for the complete original series on DVD, the Animated Series, or any incarnation of the show, you’ll find it all here at a discounted price.

2. Action Figures – If you’re an action figure collector, you’re going to find a great deal of options to choose from. The site boasts one of the largest collection of toys and games as well as action figures. You can even pre-order some of the most desirable of options, things that won’t hit stores, and so much more.

3. Laser Etched Goods – One thing that is interesting about the store is the amount of limited edition props that are completely laser etched to showcase authenticity and stand out amongst lesser costing options. Among some of the cooler options include a Starfleet Assault Phaser for $449, a Communicator & Phaser 2-Pack for $59.99 and a Starfleet Division Badge Collector’s Set at $49.99. You can’t go wrong with all sorts of real props from the show and expertly crafted replicas found online.

Whether you’re shopping for a friend, or you’re looking to invest in some collectibles, your best option has to be the Official Star Trek Store. You will not find another store that has the best selection of goods from this mighty science fiction program.

Sure, you could always shop around on the big sites, and get third party goods, but why invest in subpar wares? Invest in the official merchandise and have it delivered to your home or office at a low cost. If you’re interested in purchasing anything from the Official Star Trek store, check it out here, and enjoy the show like 1.8 million fans have already done via Facebook.

Club Dread Review

Leave it to the guys at Broken Lizard to create a parody of a slasher flick, and make a totally awesome horror movie along the way. Unlike Scary Movie and other films that try to play up the comedy angle, this one does it in a way that actually does quite well in terms of staying true to the 1980’s ridiculous horror movie cliché. I liked it, and therefore here is another attempt at a review for this horror movie website.

A private island resort opens up with a guy named Coconut Pete and his group of idiot mates. The Pleasure Island crew gets a mash up of faces that you might be familiar with from the Club Dread comedic troupe and as we are introduced to each one all over again, we start to see where this film could end up going. The jokes are quick one-liners and random situational comedy moments until a killer starts taking out people to the tune of one of Coconut Pete’s tunes.

The murders on the island are sometimes comedic, but more than anything they are gorey, and far more than just played up for the comedy, especially in the case of some of the ones that end up running away. The natural course of slasher cinema takes its toll here and we see a lot of great points of interest including the old “who’s the killer” swerve that is often times the focal point of these films. Right when you think it’s one person, the plot kills them off and we start all over again.

Towards the end of the film, everything starts to unravel and we start to see the true nature of each remaining crewmember, and even Coconut Pete has some skeletons in the closet. The film runs into some ridiculous moments, then as the crew starts to flee the island, we get the ultimate death sequences where people have to fight of the real killer, only he doesn’t want to die! He comes back several times, which is great for comedy and horror things.

The movie is supposed to be a comedy, but I found the slasher elements far more amusing then just the sex jokes, the constant homage to Jimmy Buffet and other funny moments. I found the plot swiftly moving forward, even when I was getting tired of the subplots involving Jenny and Penelope but whatever. The film takes some interesting turns here and there, and looks great on blu ray. I enjoyed it a lot, even though I should’ve been laughing more. I liked this one, and amidst a lot of horror movies that just don’t get the slasher movie formula quite right, this one does it well enough to get a passing rating by me. Check it out, it’s not for everyone, but it’s still worth a shot.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Robo Geisha Review

Well, what do you know? I’m back again after a little break to talk more horror movies. I didn’t go to the movie theater and watch anything, because I can’t afford it. My donation button is on the right hand side if you feel generous, otherwise here is another cheap review from the man that brings you bad reviews from time to time. This time around we are focusing on the 2009 film Robo Geisha, yep.

The film opens up in a weird kind of way. We get an odd fight sequence and kidnapping from some sick looking Power Ranger chicks with noses that are obviously dildos. They plow through enemies with hilarious skin and latex effects and then blow (no pun intended) through different pieces while what we can only presume is the “robo geisha’ tries to chop up a senator. As the story goes we see that there is a steel company that is steeling people and turning them into soldiers. Among these are 2 kidnapped Geishas that are sisters and are the future of the assassination group.

The movie then turns into a sappy drama between two sisters that just want to “love” each other. I couldn’t stand these pieces of information. I was bored watching the two-trade sympathy and insults. Even though it was an attempt to humanize an otherwise gore fest, this was odd to me. I didn’t care about the sisters, and I highly doubt anyone in the audience cared either. After these scenes there were some sick moments with chopping people in half, shooting people with guns, stars and other crap. The gore levels weren’t quite as much as the previous 2 films from Noboru Iguchi, but I can’t complain too much.

The gore fest continues throughout the film as an uprising of anti-steel company parents fight to get their children back, only to get killed themselves. As the film continues we get a second plot point and a third, all of which is just tiresome. There is a huge robot that is trying to blow up Mount Fuji at one point, and well, there is an opening for a sequel, that’s where I’ll leave it.

Robo Geisha is an interesting concept, but honestly, I’m tired of these gore movies. The plot was weird, and I didn’t like the constant “sister I love you” type stuff thrown in the mix. I do enjoy the hilarious kill sequences, but the “CG” is getting to be a bit much. I can do without all that, but then again, this is a Japanese B movie and not exactly a contender for the Oscar.

I don’t find this movie scary, but I don’t know if I want to recommend it to everyone. My girlfriend loves it, and still can’t stop raving, but me? I thought it lacked luster in a lot of ways. I didn’t get the same impact I did when I first saw Machine Girl, and that’s what I wanted here. Among the Japanese gore movies, I think Tokyo Gore Police wins out. But I’m sure there’s more to come, as there’s always more to come.

P.S. If you have extra scratch donate. I’m a starving writer.

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