More Holiday Movie Madness

Second verse, same as the first, and we're going to round out our year of holiday-themed horror films. So hang on tight as we continue our parade of fright throughout the year.

Memorial Day: 'Memorial Day' (1999)

Now this makes some sense, in a strange way. A holiday that is about honoring the dead would of course result in a movie in which people become dead. On Memorial Day, a group of youths return to the spot where one of their friends died as they partied. Three years later, they find themselves in peril as they are chased down by a masked killer. Grab a beer and a burger and enjoy!

Fourth of July: 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' (1997)

After winning a beauty pageant, a group of friends go out to celebrate. On their return trip, they hit and apparently kill a man, and then dump the corpse into the ocean whilst making a pact to never speak of the incident again. Well, if horror films taught us anything, it's that the past always comes back to haunt and sometimes even kill.

Day of the Dead: 'All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos' (2006)

Go south of the border and celebrate this Mexican holiday with some bottles of Corona and watch this film about a group of American travelers who get stuck in a Mexican ghost town that becomes overrun by zombies on the Day of the Dead. Think of it as “the running of the corpses” rather than the running of the bulls.

Veteran's Day: 'Deathdream' (1972)

You know the story. A veteran returns home after a long and troubling time on the front, twitching and telling stories about how he took out fifteen enemy combatants with plastic spork. The same scenario occurs in 'Deathdream', but instead of telling stories, this veteran sits in a chair all day and then at night attacks people and drinks their blood to stave off decomposition.

Thanksgiving: 'Blood Rage' (1987)

Todd and Terry are twins, sharing all aspects of the other save for one thing: one of them is a murderer. After the brutal murder of a teenager at a drive in, Todd is accused and found guilty and sent away to an asylum. Years later, on Thanksgiving, news arrives that Todd has escaped and in a twist that could be seen a mile away, the killer is not who everyone thought it was.

All Holidays: 'Tales from the Grave, vol. 2: Happy Holidays' (2005)

Sequel to the popular 'Tales from the Grave” series, this film's collection of vignettes cover stories that focus on the holidays, including St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas all in one handy package for anyone who like value with their movie selections.

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More Horror Film Remakes Better Than The Originals

More often than not, attempts to remake a film often lack the vision, atmosphere, or wow-factor as the original. Let's just face it: you just shouldn't mess with a good thing. If it's not broken, don't fix it. It's very rare that a remake is just as good as the original, rarer still when the remake is actually better.

To prove the point, here are five remakes that blow their parent material out of the water.

The Blob (1988)

Nothing can stop the blob! Or can it? Released thirty years after the original, this remake recreates the sense of popcorn-snacking fun while adding more action and sense of urgency that the original lacked thanks to a more aggressive titular gelatinous alien and increased gore factor. But the ultimate perk? Actors that made more believable “teenagers” than Steve McQueen ever could. Oh and Shawnee Smith is in this one...you know, the hot chick from Saw?

The Thing (1982)

Not to be confused with the dude from The Fantastic Four, this is a remake of the '50's classic, The Thing from Another World. Breathing life into an old, crusty black and white from the early days of science fiction fright-fests, John Carpenter (a master of thrillers in his own right), takes masterful control and takes this grisly creature-feature and turns it into a paranoid psychological thriller.

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

A third indication that most good remakes should have a 25-30 year buffer zone from the original, House on Haunted Hill revamps the tale of a challenge to spend a night in a haunted house and infuses it with edgy direction and better special effects that make the original's skeleton in the closet on a string and other visual fright gags seem more silly and less terrifying.

The Ring (2002)

Of all the remakes of Japanese horror films, The Ring is easily the best. Compared to The Grudge or One Missed Call, The Ring articulately captures the ghost-story creepiness of Ringu. Gore Verbinski's stellar direction and fantastic performances from the cast, it's quite possible to say that this American version is just a tad more polished than the original.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

This might seem as total blasphemy to say that the remake of George Romero's classic zombie flick is better than the original, but this remake actually tops it in almost every way except for originality. Zack Snyder took Romero's groundwork and kicked it up several notches to fully capture the scope and feel of a totally possible zombie apocalypse. Yeah, they cranked up the action and manipulated the plot to make it more palatable to Hollywood, but it strangely works. Except that zombie baby. I still get nightmares from that.

Honorable Mention: Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Technically, it's a sequel. But let's be real: this was a bigger budget remake of The Evil Dead, and as a bonus? It was directed by Sam Raimi, who brought us the original and starred the exceptionally gifted chin of Bruce Campbell as the chainsaw wielding Ash. Shop smart, shop S-Mart.

If you don't believe me, try a side-by-side comparison one night and you be the judge.

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Cabin in the Woods Review

I couldn’t escape hearing about this movie, and how it was the greatest thing to ever come to cinema. I didn’t get to watch in theaters despite trying to do so on a regular basis, so I had to wait for it to come to dvd and thanks to Netflix I finally got it. I would buy more movies, but I don’t make any money on this site, so it’s difficult to do so. Anyways, this movie was supposed to be the second coming of the horror film, but nope, it certainly wasn’t, but it did have some interesting points. I am now going to rant about the movie known as Cabin in the Woods.

Not Your Average Cabin

Guess what? The beginning of this film completely throws you into another world, one that is not like anything you’ve seen in previous cabin style movies. Now, I have listed the top 10 camping movies, which usually has a rag tag group of friends in situations that should and do kill them with ease, and that genre is definitely something that comes into the spotlight every year, at least for a few romps with the same formula of death and despair and of course a sprinkling of sex.

This time around there is a spoiler right from the start of the movie, and something that doesn’t lend itself well to purists looking for that traditional romp in the woods. Sure we get a little bit of wooden fun, and even sex, but it is a puppet master’s dream because that drives every twist and turn in the film.

The cabin itself is nothing more than a location that will swallow these people whole, and the foreshadowing is evident at every moment in the first 25 minutes. If you don’t catch all the signs, that’s ok, you’ll get thrown into the fray soon enough.

Deadly Sins

The movie has a great deal of the same standard of deadly sins that will shoot you in the arm with cool. Each stereotype is seen a mile away and when the demise happens to them, the teenage horror fan in you goes nuts; I know I was happy with the way things were going down. Then things start to unravel and the hinges completely break loose.

The death scenes are cool, not too gory, but definitely enough to give you blood shed without making you throw up, even the unrated version doesn’t fill you with so much blood you want to vomit, well, at least not in the first 50 minutes.

The Disconnect

The third act and subsequently the fourth act is definitely where this movie completely blows up in your face. Like a shotgun blast sequence happening when the protagonist opens the door (see Boogie Nights or Kill Bill 2), the whole world comes to an end (literally) and all hell is unleashed on the surviving 2.

With a world of monsters chasing the final 2 idiots, we get visited from a member of science fiction past and most certainly got me cheering, even if the fight sequence that followed was unlike what I would expect from “Aliens”.

Flutter and End

The end was lame. Have you ever collaborated with someone? This movie felt like a couple of writers got together and kept 1 upping each other with ideas and they didn’t edit things out, they took that and put it all into a film that shoehorns every horror element and comedic timed joke you’d expect from a self-aware horror flick.

Is it worth your time?

Yes! However, it is going to disappoint you. The movie mixes a lot of genres to bring a fresh take on horror, far better than the hype of “Drag me to Hell”. It delivers with some great moments, but you will definitely ask more questions than just focus on the story. Check out Cabin in the Woods on Blu Ray, it’s best looking that way. I’d have to see it again.



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Scary Movies For Children on Halloween

As we 20-and-30-somethings start to settle down, pursue relationships, and eventually begin families, lots of things in our lives change. The things we enjoyed in our youth, like splatterfest horror films, become a thing of the past as we make concessions for the toddlers that have taken over our lives. You find yourself unable to find a babysitter so you can go out and see the newest installment of the “Saw” franchise or pop in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” into your XBox, but you have a need, no, a burning desire to get your freak-out on. What do you do?

Easy. You find kid-friendly scary films. Sure, there could be drawbacks to sitting down with your kids, but a little fear never hurt anyone, right? Here are five films rated PG-13 and under to consider when you want to scare your kids to sleep (or into behaving).

Poltergeist (1982)

It's a relate-able story: a normal, every day family out in suburbia confront a malevolent force that just can't take a hint that it's not wanted. The film takes the “monster-under-the-bed” and “monster-in-the-closet” childhood frights and runs with them, but producer and co-writer of the film, Steven Spielburg, adds just enough playfulness and family friendliness which is typically unusual in this genre.

Gremlins (1984)

Nothing says lighthearted like having an adorable little mascot critter for this scary comedic franchise. Your kids will fall in love with Gizmo. That is, they see what happens when you feed your sweet, innocent mogwai after midnight or get him wet, spawning the wicked and titular gremlins whose pranks turn deadly.

Arachnophobia (1990)

A cautionary tale about why bringing non-native species home is a bad idea. Spiders are scary in their own right, add in an arachnophobic doctor whose house becomes ground zero for an infestation of a rare and venomous spider, hijinks ensue.

Ghost Busters (1984)

A pioneer of the horror-comedy, Ghostbusters and it's sequel is a classic that caters to all ages. This film about a group of oft-mocked scientists that form a supernatural extermination squad is a pop culture classic that enjoys popularity even among today's youth culture that includes a cartoon-spin off sure to please the kids on Saturday mornings.

The next time you find yourself wanting to initiate junior into the wonderful world of scary films without terrifying them into next week, keep these films in mind!

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Holiday Themed Horror Insanity

Halloween, Christmas, even Mother's Day and Father's Day, all easily have horror films centered around them, but what about the other holidays that fill up our calendars? Here are some selections that best suit the more neglected holidays throughout the first part of the year!

New Year's Day: 'Terror Train' (1980)

In the days before the Party Buses, college kids apparently rung in the New Year by hopping on a party train to celebrate. Weird. The story revolves around a prank they committed years before that comes back to haunt them when a Groucho Marx-masked killer hunts them down one by one. "Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped!"

Valentine's Day: 'My Bloody Valentine' (1981)

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day of romance, love, and obligatory chocolates and expensive gifts to represent affection. But what could be more romantic than watching a love story about a man and his love of killing others? Romance comes in many forms, my friends. Some are just not as socially accepted as others.

St. Patrick's Day: 'Leprechaun' (1993)

Assuming you're not too busy drinking green beer, singing Irish drinking songs, or punching strangers on the street for not wearing green, this campy classic about a leprechaun set loose from a trap after ten years to discover his precious pot o' gold has been taken turns into terror as he hunts down any who get in his way from reuniting with his gold – including a young Jennifer Aniston. They're after me lucky charms!

Easter: 'Easter Bunny Kill! Kill! (2006)

The Easter Bunny at the mall is already nightmare fuel enough, what with those soulless eyes and that menacing smile with two razor sharp teeth jutting from it's always-smiling mouth. Take a film where a pair of men abuse a mentally challenged boy get chased by a killer in an Easter bunny mask with power tools? I think I'll forgo the egg hunt, and take up rabbit hunting instead.

Mother's Day: 'Rosemary's Baby' (1968)

What starts as an idyllic glance into the married life of the titular Rosemary and her husband Guy after they move into a creepy Manhattan apartment turns into a nightmare. Rosemary gets pregnant after a bad dream in which a horrible creature makes love to her and nosy demon-serving neighbors help take care of her in order to sacrifice the baby to help her husband's burgeoning career. Only Roman Polanski could make being a mother more horrifying.

Arbor Day: 'The Happening' (2008)

I know what you're thinking. Arbor Day? Seriously? Well, this M. Night Shamaylan film teaches about what happens if you do not respect nature and nature finally gets pissed off enough and fights back. Death by shrubbery is possible, and The Sixth Sense direction shows us how.

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October 2012 Win the Hellraiser Box Set FREE

This month’s big prize for those of you that comment on here, subscribe to the rss feed, or talk about random crap on the Facebook page, is something that is going to make most salivate. This month you will win for FREE the Hellraiser Box Set complete with limited edition packaging!

This 3 disc set features the cube from the movies, and while it’s not the complete set of movies, it’s still one cool prize.

Comment throughout the month and see if you get this awesome prize from me, your pal Sir J.

Oh and please patronize the sponsors, order stuff from amazon and what not, I have no other job but this and ghost writing.

Thank you.

Holiday Horror Films

As the leaves turn, the weather gets chilly, the thoughts and minds of people turn to the December holidays. There's talk on the news about the “War on Christmas”, but they've got it all wrong. There's no war on Christmas, but there certainly can be gore on Christmas! Just because the holidays are all about peace on earth and goodwill towards men doesn't mean you can't enjoy some good ol' fashioned freak fests!

Here are some holiday-themed horror films to get your blood pumping, your hairs rising, and dreams free of sugar plum fairy dancing.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Imagine this: you're a little boy, you've told Santa what you wanted for Christmas, and the next thing you know, you're watching your parents get slaughtered by the hands of a psycho in a Santa Clause costume. All of this just moments after his catatonic grandpa explains that Santa Claus punishes the naughty. Better watch out, better not cry, or Serial Killer Santa will come after you. Years later when that little boy was forced to work as a Santa by nuns in a twist of fate.

Black Christmas (1974)

The opposite of everything Bing Crosby crooned for in “White Christmas”, Black Christmas takes the world's most mature group of sorority sisters and pits them against a killer in the attic that stalks them. The killer? Presumably a kid who saw his mother get murdered. The killer also giftwraps some chick in Saran Wrap and we never get closure about what the hell it was all about. Lesson: sorority girls have been getting killed in horror films since the beginning of time.

Gremlins (1984)

When I was a kid, I always asked for a puppy or a kitten for Christmas. A loveable ball of fur was the only thing I wanted. However, I'm pretty sure Gremlins played a strong role in why I never got a pet for Christmas. If anything, it teaches you to not bring exotic creatures illegally into the country – especially ones that turn into cracked out nightmare fuel. Gizmo's cuteness aside, maybe people should just buy their kid a Furby and call it good. At least they can't spawn, right?

Jack Frost (1996)

There's nothing more terrifying than a digitally altered Michael Keaton who appears as a jolly snowman not unlike Frosty the Snowman, right? Wrong. There's nothing more terrifying than going to a video store and picking up the slaughter-fest version of Jack Frost and popping it in for the kids only to realize that it wasn't the feel good family film you were hoping for. Pretty sure after this, all kids have a legitimate reason to be scared of carrots.

Tales from the Crypt (1972)

Not fully a Christmas movie, but one of the film's five vignettes “...And All Through the House” stands out if only to see Joan Collins murder her husband with a fireplace stoker because it's Christmas Eve. At the same time, a Santa-suited killer is on the loose whom Collin's 7-year-old lets into the house, and holiday horror hilarity ensues.

If you want more Christmas/Themed Horror click here for the archives of my past Holiday of Horrors Posts from Decembers past.