The Vampire Lovers Review

In college I took a literature class called "Genre Fiction" and the whole class was about horror related fiction and non fiction. One of the books we read was the classic "Dracula" by Bram Stoker. Alongside the introduction of the book and our discussion on vampirism, we watched several vampire movies, and the most intriguing of them was a movie from the Hammer Movie Collection entitled, The Vampire Lovers. I recently watched it again, and I now present for your reading displeasure, a review of the movie The Vampire Lovers.

The Vampire Lovers is a movie that revolves around a 19th century mansion where a beautiful young woman comes to stay with a local wealthy man and his family. Her extended stay causes a woman to become sick, and as her condition worsens, a clear vampiristic scenario emerges into being.

The team of vampire slayers create an awesome team to root for. They eventually start figuring things out and they find the coffins of the undead and they start slaying each vampire one by one with wooden spikes and the blood effects are awesome! The blood is so bright and pours slowly, and creates another awesome effect in this film.

The nudity is not traditional either. I mean, the nudity shows woman who are not enhanced at all. Their breasts and bodies are all natural, and that's a shock to my system. I'm not that old, so this woman that they are depicting as beautiful has curves, and has non enhanced breasts! What is wrong with them! I kid. I found these women beautiful, and interesting to note that women's bodies have changed over the years. Also, I noted that the age of these women were not young at all. I could tell, don't ask how, that these were experienced actresses and were not just out of college or trained from birth to look pretty, they actually tried to act! WOW!

Here is a trailer for the movie The Vampire Lovers:



The first thing I noticed about this movie was the fact that it had a lot of lavish sets. These sets are not traditional movie sets, they look like stage play sets and are meticulously designed and crafted. The cameras take full advantage of this, and have long sweeping intros and outros, creating an amazing mood and ambiance that you do not usually see in horror films. The production quality matches the sets, and you begin to feel as though that the film really was just a play recorded for PBS or something like that. I can not stress enough the quality of the sets depicting the forest, they can cause you to believe that this film is amateur or that you're watching a stage play unfold, or you will love the way it stands out from other vampire films which use real life out door scenes rather than creating them in a studio.

The movie showcases something that was not too common from films from 1970, even though the decade is definitely one of the most sexually free decades of all times, it just wasn't something you saw a lot of. That "something" is lesbianism. That's right, we are shown depictions of lesbian sex and nudity that is definitely leaning towards lesbianism and that definitely was a bit of a shocker for those that aren't too keen on seeing depictions of this kind. Obviously, if you're a horror movie fan in general, you're not going to care about this, however some more conservative types are going to hate this fact. I think it adds a good dynamic to the film.

This movie seems boring. I will not kid you, you have to go through a lot of storytelling before you get any sort of action and that action is not very gorey or good. You actually might be bored with the pacing, because while there are some shock scenes, they are tame in comparison with many American counterparts. (Hammer Studios is out of the UK, even though this film was distributed by a US company)



Why The Vampire Lovers is scary: This film is not overtly scary on the surface. However, rewind the clock and think about the year of 1970. Lesbianism and horror movies did not go hand in hand. So not only were you already dealing with one taboo, you threw in the fact that the villain was lesbian! This would scare women of course because you no longer had to look out for the creepy looking dude with the cape, or the bat that transforms into the likeness of a man, you now have to deal with a woman that bloodlets you until you are one of them! The undead!

The Dracula story (as written by Bram Stoker) did have vampire women, but they weren't lesbians. Being a lesbian isn't scary, but a lesbian vampire? Now that's a little scary, right? Right? Ok, if you're not buying that this film is scary at all, consider the fact the vampire slayers in this film aren't very competent. In fact, the underlying story is the fact that our main narrator was ready to strike down the head vampire but couldn't because the woman (vampire) was so pretty that he couldn't go through with it, as he was stricken with such a fear and at the same time had adoration for the villain. Men, we can get in trouble so easily, and that is scary. Your heart can deceive you so quickly, and if you're not convinced, then consider the amount of people that cheat on their spouses or significant others. The tendency to cheat and passion can blur your inhibitions and that is the crux of our vampire story in this film. Even though the women that become the victims are not initially lesbian, the lure of our vampire woman eventually does them in, and as seen in the Butler, this vampire can tame even a male heart with her beauty!

It's also scary to think that there was a time when medicine was not heavily available. The nobles in this film have to wait for a doctor to arrive on horseback as he is not near by. Also, the doctor is skeptical to the ailments involved by our victim, and he relies on superstition for the diagnoses and prescriptions. I find this scary, and you know what? It happens today a lot of the times, as doctors don't always have the answers to ailments and fringe science and medicine comes into play for many people. I know from personal experience that I visited a doctor that didn't know what was wrong with me, and had to bounce around until a Neurologist told me that I had suffered a mild concussion and that there was something wrong. Modern medicine isn't as bad as the medicine depicted in this film, and getting a doctor to see you is not a matter of having them travel on foot or horseback, but if it were, it'd be a seriously scary notion. One that actually stirs a little skepticism in me today, and probably forever.

I like Hammer's Horror collection and I like Peter Cushing in this film. This film is part of a trilogy of lesbian vampire tales, and this one is interesting in a lot of different ways. I highly recommend checking out The Vampire Lovers because of its different approach to the vampire movie genre. Seriously, this one is really different. I would definitely recommend it if you like stage plays and production, because the acting and camera motions really feel as though this was meant for the stage, and not a movie. There are so many scenes that just remind me of Shakespeare or something similar, that it's hard to get into this film. If you're looking for a straight forward, no nonsense horror film, you're not going to find it here, because it's a bit more serious than that. There is much more dialogue and reliance on speech than modern horror films, and you know what? I kind of like that. Hammer Horror puts together an ok film, and I liked it, probably because I enjoy the sets a lot and the costumes are kind of cool too. The Vampire Lovers isn't going to make a lot of top ten lists, and my writing is not going to probably convince many people that it's a worthwhile film to view, but consider that in 1970 lesbian vampires weren't exactly mainstream. In fact, in the year of 1970 not a whole lot of homoesexual behavior was talked about or discussed, which surprises me that this film was greenlit at the time. I don't know, maybe I'm just not used to seeing this style of vampire story come out of the early 70's, at least not yet. I'm going to explore the whole vampire lesbian angle from the 70's a little more. So expect more along those lines, later on. I have some other horror movies on tap. Mmm....TAP...I wish I had Rolling Rock on tap, for now, I'll have to settle for 12 oz bottles. Oh well.

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Tokyo Gore Police Review

A few months back I put up a trailer on this site for the movie Tokyo Gore Police. I also reviewed a film by the same company called, Machine Girl, and now I bring you a review of the infamous film Tokyo Gore Police!

The movie comes straight out of Japan and it is the most sickening, gore filled, sexualized movie I’ve ever seen. This movie is not scary, and should not be taken seriously, however it has shades of a police state that is more realistic to me than George Orwell’s epic book 1984.

Tokyo Gore Police is about a young woman who is on the privatized Tokyo police force and is in charge of hunting a mutant clan of serial killers. The movie is horrific from the get go, seriously. We open the film before the credits open up, with someone getting their head exploded off their shoulders with a hand gun. We see a close range head shot with a pistol that causes a head to explode into pieces and some of those pieces hit the camera lens, and in full view of a young woman. This is sick, but I couldn’t turn away.

*NOTE* DO NOT WATCH THE TRAILER IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO BLOOD and GORE. Thank You.

Here is a trailer for Tokyo Gore Police:



The movie then takes it a little slower through some set up. We get the back story of our heroine and how she idolized her father, and it made her want to join the police force. We also get the story of how her father died.

Then we get some very sexualized sequences involving our main character on a crowded subway wearing next to nothing. She is groped while riding the train, and grabs her molester, walks him to an alley and severs his arms, pulling out an umbrella and walking off screen as the rain is his blood. This image is an insane image and is just the tip of the iceberg as far as Gore is concerned in this film.

Another scene that might tear your guts out, is a sequence involving a half woman half alligator. Her lower half is an alligator’s head and she uses it to bite a man in half, with blood and limbs spreading everywhere. If that wasn’t bad enough, we also see a severed arm with a gun in hand, not able to be fired unless someone pulls the tendon at the end of the severed arm unleashing a bullet that you would believe is a c4 explosive rather than a bullet. This thing shatters the woman-alligator in half and we get blood like a fountain yet again. Oh, this lead in was directly after we saw a “snail woman” and a woman giving fellatio on a man, and then biting the man’s penis off and spitting it out, causing another geyser of blood straight into the woman’s face!



This movie disturbed me in a few ways. The over sexualized scene’s are really hard to watch. The way some of the severed bodies gush blood into the face of our heroine, really is a throwback to bukkake videos. Don’t search them, just realize that the way blood squirts into a woman’s face and her reaction seems orgasmic, really gives off the wrong message to those of us in the “know”, which is sad on a lot of different levels.

This movie is over the top in the gore department to punishing levels. Sure, Dead Alive, The Evil Dead, and other films have been gory with buckets of blood, but they look like Sesame Street in comparison to the amounts of gore and blood involved in this film. If you saw Kill Bill, and remember some of the arm severing scene’s, you’ll get a mild idea of what is going on with the gore effects in this film.

Is Tokyo Gore Police Scary? : No. This film is completely for a different type of audience. I’m a horror movie fan, and some of the stuff in this film is too harsh for me. But I still enjoy it on an artistic level. There is nice pacing, lighting, and sequencing. The cinematography and set ups to some of the shots are beautiful, and although I’m a little sickened by the amount of entrails and sexualized motives that are shown on screen, I still can’t fault the film for being less than what is advertised. It doesn’t scare me, it won’t scare you, but it might gross you out. This branch of horror is NOT for everyone, that’s for sure.

The film eventually finishes off with an end battle: but by then you’re so disgusted with the amounts of blood spilled, that you don’t really want to watch it again. Tokyo Gore Police is now out on dvd, and I recommend it. I don’t think it’s as good as Machine Gun Girl, but it fits into the “gore” and horror category that is missing in American horror movies right now. I don’t know why we don’t see more American films trying to push the envelope like this type of movie. It’s really a shame.

And here is a little bonus…do you recognize our leading lady?



Yep. That’s her. Audition creeped me out too.

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Death Proof Review

I previously reviewed Planet Terror, favorably, due in large part to the fact that it looked and felt like Re-Animator to me. You can read my review of Planet Terror on this very site, here. Death Proof is half of the disappointing Grindhouse film that paired two different idiots making movies into a 4 hour epic event. Ok, so they aren’t idiots, but they didn’t make as much money as they thought, and it once against revived “grindhouse” opinion into proper light.

Death Proof’s formula is simple. The story follows a stunt man who kills women with his car. The car has been modified to protect him and kill the women, as he recklessly goes through crashes.

Here is a trailer for the film Death Proof:



Kurt Russell hasn’t been this good since, Breakdown. Seriously, that movie was awesome, in such a bad way. This film is heavy on the talking, and really sets up the story in a slow manner. I didn’t expect this much talking from the film, but Tarantino once again makes good use to his talking heads method.

The mindless drivel is cut into a good amount of sections, and Tarantino really changes it up so that I don’t hate the film outright. The changes occur in the action sequences of this film. The car and stunts are filmed so well, it’s interesting to note that Tarantino can actually direct action, which is something that I wouldn’t attribute to him at all.

Is Death Proof Scary?: No. This film I wouldn’t categorize as straight laced horror. However, the kill sequence in the first half of the film is somewhat disturbing and delivers a taste of blood. Enough of a taste that it deserves to be in the horror section, and that might be arguable for many.

I’ve seen this film twice, and overall I didn’t really think it deserved to be overly analyzed. There’s the death sequences initially, then there is a revenge theme that fuels the second half of this film, but overall the movie doesn’t really pack the same kind of punch that Planet Terror does. I like this film on its own, but it doesn’t fit into my horror analytical theme that I’m hoping for.

I do like this one though. It looks good. I really like the way this film works on aesthetics and I think the picture quality is high. The acting is above average, and while I prefer seeing Kurt Russell drop some elbows on people in the movie “Breakdown”, this one is not half bad. I like the car, and I like the sequencing of the death scenes, but I don’t like the ending. This movie is a throwback indeed. I liked how it did take me back to the 80’s when my Dad would let me see rated R movies all the time. If you haven’t seen Death Proof, check it out. It’s kind of cool.

And as a little Bonus, here is the poster and trailer for the Kurt Russell film Breakdown.





Yep.

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3: Leatherface Review

For whatever reasons, the success of this series, lead right into this horrible installment of the franchise. In 1990, Jeff Burr brought to life another story in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, this time ignoring the second film, and doing something different, which can be seen as good or bad, depending on who you are. The film does have one familiar face, and I mean famous face, not just B-movie fame. I of course mean, Viggo Mortensen, who has gone onto star in much better and much more profitable films. I now present for your reading pleasure, a review of the film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Leatherface.

More commonly known as “Leatherface” this film doesn’t kill the franchise, but it doesn’t create the greatest of movies. It really is a downhill turn from the superior second incarnation of the massacre franchise. In fact, the guy behind the mask doesn’t even act anything like our previous Leatherface characters, and really puts a damper on things in this film.

The plot revolves around a couple of people going cross country through Texas who meet the Sawyer family and begin to lose it. Meanwhile we are introduced to a few other cast members who also meet the Sawyers and have to contend for themselves and try to outwit the clan that will becoming their grave makers in short order.

Here is a trailer for the The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3: Leatherface:



By the time you get to this film, you feel a little tired with this series. The same plot points are revealed in this film, and the characters don’t really act all that well. The gore is also not that crazy, and really lacks the effects work of Savini and the gritty camera generations of the original 70’s classic. The film looks updated and the actors, while being virtual unknowns are terrible at delivering their lines.

There’s some great fight scenes in this movie. I don’t mean kung fu stylized fights, but these characters don’t just go down and let it go. While there are some that fall over, there is a couple of characters that just won’t go down. That is a good part of this film, I like it when the victims don’t let themselves just get hacked, they fight back. Remember my review of “Wrong Turn 2” where Henry Rollins fights to the death with the mutants? Oh yeah, that’s awesome. Now don’t get me wrong, we don’t need to have Rambo in here slicing and dicing, but if I were in the film, I would not go down easy. You’d have to really kill me, not just maim me, or dismember, you better blow me up into oblivion, because I’m married and I am not letting go without my wife. Ok, while it is noble to type such things, truth be told, I’d probably get pwned faster than fast, cause I’m not as badass as Henry Rollins. But, still, it should be noted that there is some fight in some of these characters, and that’s a draw that is worth checking out in this film.



Is The Texas Chainsaw Masascre III: Leatherface scary? : No. The crux of this film is not scary. If you have invested any time in horror films as a genre, you are probably well aware of the output of something like this film. However, if you picked up this film at the video store, or just randomly watched it, you might sense a chill or two with a few of the scenes.

The ending is where you are going to get jolted a little. You get two victims making it, finally, a winner at the end, and not just the epic “Final Girl” we are going to get out of this alive and with our dignity! Then BOOOM! Sledgehammer to the face and Leatherface in the rear view mirror, you’re so dead. That shock scene works effectively for those of you that are horror movie buffs, but if you aren’t used to horror film, you don’t expect this one and it hits hard and fast. I won’t ruin it too much, even though now you’re on the lookout…but if you make it through the first 80 minutes of this film, you’re most likely going to be sedated enough to still allow yourself a little immersion, and the scene will still work well; trust me.

This is the least of the three films in the initial trilogy of the The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I recommend watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Leatherface, if you haven’t seen this one, or if you’re a fan of the series. It is definitely not the best, but it is also not the worse. The continuity of the second film, is lost here, so you don’t have to see it to know what you’re in for. I enjoy it, but that’s only because I’m a diehard horror film fan, not necessarily a huge Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan.

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 Review

My favorite entry in this series, is not often remembered by many horror movie fans. People cite this series as being extremely gory and my parents didn’t even let me see it when I was a kid. I had to smuggle it behind some Wrestling vhs tapes that I was renting once while visiting my dad, and it became an instant classic for me. I present for your reading consideration, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 dvd review:

The movie has a simple plot. We pick up about a decade after the original, and we get some weird character introductions, but it surrounds a Sheriff seeking revenge against those that killed his family. Along the way, we also see a radio show dj get in the mix, and get to see an uncanny case of goons and helpers, creating such an awesome second film in the series.

Here is a trailer for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2:



Tobe Hooper is back to direct this film, but the budget seems a little higher. It works really well here and you see where Rob Zombie got his inspiration for some of the sequencing that was in House of 1,000 Corpses as the film plays with night and day horror pacing.

The actors do a good job overall, and there are a lot of cool parts, and a lot of sexualized parts that you don’t really get the first time watching this film. I’m talking about the overtly sexualize sequence where Leatherface nearly molests the radio dj “Stretch” in the back room of the radio studio. There is no other way to really explain how sexually charged this scene is, than for you see it for yourself and nod your head in agreement. The chainsaw in this sequence is used almost like a dildo, and it is just way too symbolic for my tastes, and maybe that is what they were going for, but it really teases your mind and being a guy I really wanted this to get into the rated R territory if not the unrated or x-rated sequences because I guess I like nudity at times. Overall though the acting is top notch, including Dennis Hopper as a Texas Ranger, and Bill Moseley doing a killer job as Chop Top!



The beginning of this film is the best, if you haven’t seen it, really puts up a major horror sequence. These two college students are on their way to spring break or a party of sorts, and they play chicken with a truck. Later that night that truck comes back with a full crew and saws the kids and the car in half! We get introduced to Leatherface and the second wave of his family, and things start rocking hard right away.

The third act of this film is also a great one. The setting is an abandoned amusement park, and the creep factor goes through the roof. It’s interesting to see how much this influenced House of 1,000 Corpses, and some might blow a whistle to say that Rob Zombie stole most of the settings from this film. There are some great points in this third act, creating a great element of fear and horror, that really rivals some of the better episodes of “Tales from the Crypt” on HBO, and that’s a huge compliment in my honest opinion.

The ending makes no sense. Seriously, the ending is just weird, and I don’t understand why they chose to leave a final girl victorious. Things really get out of hand as there is a third film entitled “Leatherface” where we see his return, even though this film would basically not allow another sequel! Hopper really plays his role into a badass territory, where he breaks down the walls of revenge and really starts looking more like Charles Bronson than the guy from “Easy Rider”. By this time, Dennis Hopper’s career wasn’t exactly doing so hot, and I don’t even remember a lot from him after this, until he became a villain in the Keanu Reeves film “Speed” that people like to hate on a lot. Hopper, has redeemed himself in recent years, and he does a great job in this piece of B-Movie goodness.

A sub-plot that makes this film a little different than most of this category happens to be rather odd considering what is going on today. What I am referring to is the bbq contest featured in this film. We later find out that the meat used in this award winning bbq is meat from humans! Oh yeah, USDA suck it!

Tom Savini does the make up and effects in this film, and it looks awesome. The gore and make up is top notch. If you look at Chop Top’s head and skull, the latex and burned parts are just too good. His face is awesome too, and if you’re not familiar with this, you are missing out. Tom is a credit to horror, and is better than any CG you could come up with.



Why The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is scary: It is easy to find scary moments in this film, but I am going to go with some less obvious points of scary instances. The scary thing is not obvious to most, at least from what I have found through conversations.

The first thing that should scare you and others is the radio station set up. This radio station is stated in the film as being somewhat popular. The radio show is late night and plays requests, but the dj and the programmer seem to say that they are the number one show at their time. Immediately I would assume that the radio station is not a hole in the wall. However, in 1986, maybe the radio stations weren’t that high tech at all? I don’t know. I do know that there is a local radio station here in Seattle, Wa and you can’t just run down there with your chainsaw and terrorize anyone. It’s highly guarded. However, if you saw the movie “Airheads”, then you are going to say that jumping into a radio station isn’t all that hard. The lax of security at this radio station is really odd, and the ease of which it is taken over is hilarious to me. I know, it is 1986 when this film was released, but still, there’s no excuse for the lack of protection on what is assumed a popular radio station and show. Considering that the woman in this film is touted as being a sexual object and/or attractive in the way that there is a near sex scene in the back room upon Leatherface and Chop Top’s breaking and entering, you would think that the radio station would have some sort of protection for her or at least better locks to the doors of the building. Then we wouldn’t have a movie, huh? Hey, I’m just saying that it’s scary to see a woman terrorized due to lack of protection and therefore makes a convincing horror element in this otherwise black comedic film.

Another scary notion in this film is the deregulation of abandoned amusement parks. Seriously folks, did anyone else think about how funny it is that the Texas government, the U.S government and anyone else involved in this city, didn’t know that Leatherface and his crew were living underneath the abandoned Amusement park? Isn’t that a bit crazy? I know that skateboarders have recently been embarking on abandoned water parks to skate the pipes and make some great photo and video opportunities, but come on, an abandoned amusement park holds a psychopathic family who is hell bent on killing people? Seriously, this is just insane, and underneath the park is a long aisle of catacombs that connect to a massive dining room, where the rest of the family stay, of course unknown to anyone…until Lefty shows up armed to the teeth.

Lastly, the scariest part of this film is the grandfather. The grandfather in this film is decrepit and looks to be nearly dead, and the crew tries to get him involved in smashing the skull of Stretch. This is the most pathetic and sickening old man, who is in a wheel chair and can barely move his arms. He picks up a small mallet and just misses, and connects a few times, the sound is sick and the thud is just amazing. It’s harsh, and it is another scary moment in this film. Seriously, the sound effects on this part is just so good, you have to admit that Hooper draws you in with so much tension at this point that the rest of the film seems amateur to this sequence.

This is definitely my favorite movie in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Series. It is better than the first, and way better than the third. Check out The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and enjoy all the best of 80's dark horror comedy from Tobe Hooper, Dennis Hopper and your pal Sirj...I was 3 years old when it came out.

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Troll 2 Review

I don’t make it a point to trash horror movies at all, even though some of them really deserve it for putting out such stupidity. However, there are some films that I can’t stand behind and try to come up with legitimate reasons for them to be scary or for them to be worth more than a verbal beating. This will definitely be one of the cases as I try to make the best of what is one of the worst sequels in horror movie history. I present for your reading consideration, Troll 2.

Troll 2 is the supposed sequel to the horror film Troll. The two films have no connection, and the movie was originally titled Goblins, which would have made more sense, but in the United States they just called it Troll 2, because they were dumb.

The movie is about a family that decide to take a vacation to the country, and they visit a town called “Nilbog”. Yes, I am aware what it spells backwards, but I won’t go into that right now. Along the way there is a subplot that has a different set of teenagers chasing the family, because one of them has a crush on a girl from our initial family. They of course are the second and subsequent story arc outside of our main story of the family going on vacation. In this small town they meet up with weird towns people trying to make them eat some weird stuff to become Goblins, and they meet also a witch that is overtly sexual in nature, but pulls back when it’s time to have intercourse. I kid you not, this is all a part of the film. The only help the family gets is from their long dead Grandfather who is visiting the youngest member of the family in visions and eventually helps fight off the evil onslaught by going to hell and back, spiritually. It’s really a lackluster concept, trust me.

Here is a trailer for Troll 2:



This movie sucks. I’m sorry, but this movie is a terrible piece of horror, fantasy, and writing. The actors don’t even deliver their lines well, and it’s terribly shot. If that isn’t enough, the movie really follows the most predictable, terrible path you could imagine. The family is comprised of the dumbest people, and the goblins are not really that convincing. They are simply wearing masks, these are masked little people, and they are supposed to be scary.

The Grandpa that is supposed to be dead, somehow freezes time at one point! If that wasn’t enough later on in the film there is a part where you think things are going to get hot and heavy, but instead the movie takes an absurd turn for the worse. During what will commence as a sex scene, a witch puts a corn on the cob into her lovers mouth and popcorn fills the RV that the lovers are in, and this is just hilarious and stupid. Almost as stupid as the “Corn on the Macabre” remark from Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers movie, which for your enjoyment is featured below:



You really have to suspend belief when watching this film. The movie is straight forward in its approach and it is terrible. The film really feels like a made for television, afternoon special for young teenagers. It is just a sad attempt at horror. Even if it wasn’t a horror movie, but more of a horror comedy, it is just terrible. I kid you not, this film is one of the worst things to happen to 80’s horror ever. Oh wait…it came out in 1990!



I don’t mind horror comedy, and I don’t mind bad horror movies in general, but this movie really tried to jump a shark by calling attention to itself by titling the movie Troll 2. The original Troll movie wasn’t the greatest movie ever made, but it is way better than this piece of junk horror film.

For it’s inherent camp value, it is not half bad. I like it on a comedic sense and it is a great movie to share with your friends, if they like to laugh at camp horror movies. Even if you can convince them to sit down and watch this train wreck, you will be hard pressed to garner any respect for this series. If Troll 2 wasn’t enough horror comedy for you, they made a third film, and rumors have it that there will be a reboot done sooner than later. Troll 2, in some minds, might be the best worst movie ever, but you probably won’t enjoy it unless you’re within the company of friends who like bad horror movies. Mystery Science Theater should’ve dedicated an episode of their show to this film. Troll 2 is not a highly recommend film, but it manages to make me laugh, so I gave it a review. I can’t recommend it on any other level or even consider any portions of this film scary. Even Nickelodeon would be hard pressed to run this film on Halloween, as it is that bad.

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American Gothic Review

The year is 1988 and another classic horror movie came out, and for years I passed by it on the video store shelf, but eventually mustered up the courage to see it. That film is none other than American Gothic.

The movie has a simple plot. A group of twenty something’s are going out on a vacation when their plan has an emergency landing, causing them to get stuck in what is the middle of nowhere. The crew stumble upon a cabin where a strict biblical family lives and things really get bad for them overall.

They discover that the elderly couple have middle age children, but they act and dress like little kids. The father and mother are overtly Christian and really take things to the extreme. As time progresses in the film, they are all slaughtered, leaving an interesting ending for everyone to enjoy, and no I didn’t spoil this one.

Here is a trailer for American Gothic:



The movie really has subpar acting. The actors try to be serious, but they really blow their lines and their decisions are mired by poor acting. The best acting is done by the family who play their roles so well. Ma and Pa are genuinely scary and the kids are surprisingly good, and over the top in their roles.

The scenes are kind of dreary, even though they are in what appears to be the Northwest forest, it just doesn’t seem lively at all. The movie even gets boring towards the middle and you really hope something is going to happen, then the glass ceiling shatters on you and we start to see things go down from bad to worse.

The people involved are constantly trying to get away, as things progress from creepy to deadly. There is some great gore effects, especially one scene where a girl shoves a unicorn into the eye of a victim. It is a great scene and overall good stuff in the effects department. The scene involving a basement full of “human dolls” is also equally as creepy and insane. I haven’t seen something like that in recent memory, except for the short lived horror television movie “Cabin by The Lake” which featured human gardens under water.



Why Is American Gothic Scary?: This is an interesting question. The movie doesn’t terrify me at all. I am not overtly threatened by the film, nor do I fear the woods or the people that live out there. However, there are some genuinely scary notions cast throughout the film.

If you follow along you see madness settle in our one character, Cynthia. Cynthia is so traumatized by the loss of her child (we learn through flashbacks) that the sequences that involve her friends being slaughtered create a stigma for her mind and she really has problems overall. Towards the end of the film she becomes more and more desensitized, and you begin to cheer for her as she becomes the final girl in the film. Just like other 80’s horror movies, this one has a great twist ending and really does have a good revenge theme at the closing. The scary part is the real cases in history where madness caused someone to start killing. Some might be quick to cite films like, “The Amityville Horror” , “The Number 23”, “Identity”, “Secret Window”, or “Terror Train” as films that share the madness of the villain and overall turn of the hero. The difference here is that the villains are not figments of imagination or identity crisis’s in general. The slow moving madness of Cynthia really parallels a lot of cases in our world. For instance, we can claim that Charles Manson, John Wayne Gacy, and Ted Bundy were all criminally insane and are examples of how far out your mind can get to the point of killing. It is scary how much trauma can manifest itself into the current situation and turn your mind into a complete psychopathic state of being. We see this in Cynthia, and her transformation through the film, as subtle as it plays out is insane.

Adult children scare me. They should scare you too. I’m not talking about the adult children found in movies like, “Jack” or the man child movies like “Step Brothers”, “Grandma's Boy” and other comedies perpetuating the stereotype that any adult that plays video games is automatically immature. I’m talking about psychologically disturbed individuals that believe they truly are children. I’ve never met any adult children in my lifetime, but this movie sure makes things insane. The parts that really showcase scary motives is how sexuality is treated. There are two children that are having incest, but we are lucky not to see them. They make references to sex in their dialogue with each other and they treat it as a disgusting act that for whatever reasons they are drawn to.

What makes things even worse in the sexuality department is that there is a rape scene involving necrophilia. This is punished however when Pa finds out what has happened, he beats the living daylights out of his grown up son, and it is an interesting scene to note. Over thinking this film is easy, as these character traits are a psychology project in themselves, and they really create the synapse for terror in this film.

Outside of these two examples, it is a terrible thing to be lost on vacation. It is even worse considering that this movie does not cite futurism at all. There are no cell phones, no computers, no internet, no phones even! There is no electricity or modernity to speak of. The scariest thing about the film is when you really allow yourself to get caught up with the time period. What would you do if you had no gps, no phone, no comforts at all? Could you survive this plot?

After viewing this film and thinking about it, I really considered what I would do. I would have tried to swim for it, the landing of the plane occurs on a lake or the beginnings of an ocean. I would rather swim and drown than to be bludgeoned in the head with a unicorn spike or get thrown off a cliff while on a swing set. Oh modernity! I probably would drown, I have no stamina, I’m a sitting duck.

American Gothic came out in 1988, it is among one of my favorite films of all time. It really reminds me of a lot of other horror movies out there, and it does stand alone as an interesting take on a lot of scary themes. While most people might think it is only a slasher, it really provides an interesting twist on the genre. In the long scope of things, it’s not that great at all. It’s a subpar slasher film at best, but I like it. This one is going in the guilty pleasure pile, as it really has some cool sequences, and isn’t as well known as some other films. I recommend American Gothic if you’re a fan of 80’s horror, just don’t expect a big budget or anything overtly crazy. There are some good spills, a good twist at the end, and an interesting look at a horrible situation.

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