My Bloody Valentine 3D Review

We're into an all new summer, and we've gone through some movies left and right. So to kick things off right I decided to get back to something even more modern than my traditional reviews, and I got a hold of My Bloody Valentine 3-D on dvd. I wasn't expecting a whole lot out of this film, but it surprised me in a lot of ways, and then ruined it all with a flick of the wrist. Overall, this piece of horror film history is not going to erase the past, it will only make people more nostalgic of the latter slasher era from the 1980's. Join me today, for a classy review of My Bloody Valentine 3-D!

The story is simple, a mine shaft massacre leaves a small town ravaged and in fear. However, ten years later a mysterious prodigal son comes back to warn of a return of the killer. Our main character comes to find out that his old love is now married with a child with the town Sheriff. You will immediately notice that the gay friend of Jen from Dawson's Creek is the psuedo-villain and protagonist through three acts of this film.

Here is a trailer for the film My Bloody Valentine 3-D:



First and foremost the story is convoluted. However, you can pass that by because there's plenty of blood and spills. There's a lot of gore in this film, some of which is purposely flying at the screen for the 3-d effect on your television. These gore scenes rival "The Midnight Meat Train" gore effects and at some points the CG gets in the way of the gore. I didn't like how it was turning out towards the end, but the body count is great for a horror movie.

This film is not rated pg-13 it's rated R and a strong R at that. To prove the points there is an extended sex scene that looks spot on with some 90's porno films, or Spice Network fare. There is even a scene where you see full frontal top and bottom nudity, which is quite odd for me. If you're smart, you might notice that the same girl that had the whipped cream bikini in "Varsity Blues" is the same girl in this raucous sex scene and fully nude in the first half of the film. No cream needed, wow....that's all I'm saying.

The film really tries to make you care about the characters by way of interaction between the prodigal and his former love. She, being married, really starts to fall for him after all these years and her husband can't control his jealousy at times. You really start to hate the sheriff, and you start to side with this stranger and then the train derails and you realize what's going on.

The sound design of this film can get annoying. Too many times the film relies on jump scares with new people showing up to a window, or a door or showing up off screen with a loud noise as if you startle you after a main character is searching in the dark. This happens in ALL pg-13 and J-Horror movies, and I personally hate that.

The CG really complicates things in a lot of scenes. In the driving scenes it's painfully obvious that they are not really driving on a highway. I also found it distracting that most dialogue had camera changes and edits every 4 to 8 seconds! It was hard to really get into this film with the edits being so fast, and the CG backgrounds looking like they were from the 1960's Hammer Horror horse riding, repeating background piece of crap.

This film gives you a nice twist and some nice turns right into the third act, however, things really start to buckle under the weight and you realize that you've been had, and that you've just seen another infamous movie that features a cop out ending of IDENTITY CRISIS!

Is My Bloody Valentine 3D Scary ? : No. This movie is not scary. There are some scary moments, the but the illusion really unravels towards the end. You also have to really wonder about the relationship that is set up in the film between the Sheriff and his wife. They have been married 10 years and have a son, and yet he's really jealous? That is a really weird motif, and I didn't really buy it. There was also some elaborate slasher moments, that just don't seem likely with the way this movie is unfolded. The all knowing killer stereotype works in the 80's because of franchises, but in this film it almost seems to tired and ridiculous.

What really made me not like this film was the ending. The film turns into an identity crisis film, much like many other films that I've reviewed before, and I really can't stand that about horror as a genre. The villain is having a duality issue yet can be all knowing and powerful in his slashing of people? Even smarter than a veteran detective, now retired? This just doesn't make sense to me.

If that doesn't really do it for you, if you still think this movie holds some serious weight, consider the fact that at the end of the film there is a scene where the camera's zoom in on a bullet that has been fired from a chamber, and slowly moves around it in 360 degrees, much like the movie "Wanted" and then follows it right to it's access point and outside of a body! That's some BS and you know it!

Bad CG, terrible pacing, lackluster performances, and terrible relationship circumstances really screw up this film. The beginning and first half was pretty cool, especially when considering that nude scene bringing me full circle from the days when "Varsity Blues" was almost taboo. I would recommend seeing this film, but don't hold your breath, it's not the best of the best at all. I give this movie a lot of credit for being rated R, using the 3-d in several spots, and really not pretending to be anything more than a classic throwback to the slasher genre. It just isn't as good as the original slasher era, it's just not.



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