Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Top 5 Worst Time Travel Movies Ever Made

Time travel is one of the most fascinating things to explore as a student and as an idiot that plays a lot of video games. I have always wished I could go back and time and shake things up, but alas, I am stuck in the present and have to deal psychologically with the past. Now, as far as time travel movies, the genre is awesome, but it hasn’t always produced great ones. Sometimes in cinema you get the worst movies made ever, and today, I will talk about the worst possible movies to be made under the umbrella of Time Travel. So sit back, stay a while, and marvel at the hot messes known as the top 5 worst time travel movies ever made (according to me, your idiot writer sir Jorge).


#5 Crossworlds

We start the countdown with this Rutger Hauer movie that is just stupid, despite having some decent reviews here and there. You have to really just let your brain find a new place to live while watching this film, as you will be hit with all sorts of time traveling randomness. Someone once said to me it’s like Star Wars for a new era, and I wanted to punch them in the face. Sure there are some cool moments, a few fight scenes, but as far as time travel movies, you’re going to want to punch someone. Sorry, not even Rutger Hauer’s starring credits can save this trash.

time stalkers

#4 Time Stalkers

You thought Back to the Future 3 was bad; wait until you watch this 1987 made for television movie about a college professor and his fascination with the wild west. What do you get when you mix time travel, a revenge plot, and a happy ending? You get this piece of garbage. Sure it was made for tv, but man did it prove to be terrible. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like westerns and time traveling, but when you tie in a villain that is dead set on ruining the future from the past, and the main character is fighting only to save his family from a car accident in the future, I’m not thrilled. The editing is bad, the acting is bad, and well I’m glad it’s long out of print.

past perfect

#3 Past Perfect

I love a good crappy film with Eric Roberts, but this one is one of the worst. If you like science fiction, you’re going to find this Seattle based film laughable at best. The idea of removing crime before it happens, by going to the past is an interesting topic, but you feel it’s just tired by laughable acting, and terrible special effects. Not even the new SyFy channel would want to play this one, but then again, Eric Roberts is definitely giving it his best shot as king of B-Movie roles. The year is 2023, and well, it looks like we’re in for some terrible lighting, and ok editing if our lives were based in movie fandom. This one is terrible, but if you must watch it, go for it.


#2 Iceman

The 1980’s brought a lot of greatness to horror and science fiction, but there’s only one movie that involves a cave man that is worth checking out, and it didn’t happen to be released in the 1980’s. Iceman is supposed to be a science fiction meets time traveling movie that fails to do anything but annoy me and make for a bitter review that never was published. What you end up getting is a much “friendlier” movie, that needs 2 more components to work well for me, and that’s THE WEASEL and Brendan Frasier. Other than that, I give up. Ok, this is not a complete time traveling movie, but come on! Encino Man does it better.

yesterdays target

#1 Yesterday’s Target

Just when you thought I was going to list Timecop in here, I throw a curve ball. This should really prove to any idiot out there that I’m not just some hack, and that I know what I’m talking about. Daniel Baldwin puts up a lackluster piece of acting in this movie that is like bringing the X-Men movies into a storyline that features time travel and some of the worst special effects ever seen on vhs. Three mutants are stuck in the past and Cable is going to help bring them back…what? There’s no Cable? What? This isn’t an X-Factor or X-Men comic book? But Daniel Baldwin is in it…it still sucks. This sucks. 1996 was a terrible year for everyone, and this proves it.

The above 5 pieces of trash are available via links provided, but I promise, it’s not worth your time…unless you want to review them, in which you can watch them and report back to me with a 400 – 500 word review. Stay away from these time wasters…no pun intended.


Anonymous said...

The king of bad movies has spoken! I've also seen a lot of shit movies but none of the above.

jervaise brooke hamster said...

Sir Jorge, they might all be garbage but any one of them chosen completely at random would still be 1000 times better by itself than everything that the (so-called) British film industry has ever produced put together over the last 123 years since the invention of the cinematograph circa 1889.

jervaise brooke hamster said...

Its a shame that British scumbag Malcolm McDowell was in the last one, thats what spoilt the movie ! ! !.

jervaise brooke hamster said...

Hey Anonymous, presumably all the "shit" movies you`ve seen were British ones because theres no such thing as a "shit" American movie, believe me.

Anonymous said...

Thats true Jervaise, all the "shit" movies i`ve ever seen have indeed been British. British films really are a ludicrous, pathetic, laughable, unwatchable joke in comparison to the breathtaking magnificence of the Hollywood product.

Erin said...

I was considering doing an article on Timestalkers for my TV movie night. I have it my queue but haven't been able to bring myself to watch it. But now that I know it's one of the worst five of all time I'll make it a priority.