The Tank Review

Another day, another horror movie, and this time around we are dealing with a creature feature. I like a good one, and I don’t want to reveal my thoughts too quickly, but I will say that this one had me guessing at first, and with a solid trailer, I thought it was going to be a lot better than what it turned out to be. ”The Tank” has a story to tell, and it doesn’t hold back, it’ll just take a little bit of effort to et yourself through the slow pacing.

This movie has a simple plan of action. It features a couple with their child and dog, they own a pet store and are told that they have inherited a house. They visit this house and odd things start to happen. The kid starts to see things trying to get into the house, meanwhile the parents start to explore a water tank that is connected to the house. As the film progresses, we are shown a scary salamander type monster, and it eats alive the realtor, and then some as it terrorizes the family.

There’s a side story that tries to tie together the past and present, but overall, I found that the movie was slow moving. It is a slow progression to get through to the end, and if you invest in the movie, it will reveal itself to you in a good way. However, I’m not going to lie, it’s a slow burn. Once the suspense gives way to the monster, you start rooting for the family to take on the monster and escape. That doesn’t happen right away, as the monster takes them on head first, and attacks. There’s even a point where the kid gets kidnapped, and the dad gets almost eaten alive as well, making this a true monster flick.

“The Tank” isn’t half bad, but it isn’t half good either. It is slow, but it has some redeeming factors here and there. The monster itself is ugly, strong, and attacks with relative ease in water and out. The family is loveable, so you start to root for them towards the end. I found myself hoping that they beat the monster, and in the end, well, I won’t spoil it for you. The movie was slow, but there was enough to make it worth checking out, especially if you’re a fan of monster flicks. The monster is CG for the most part, and it’s not terribly done. If you can suspend your belief, you will find this to be an entertaining popcorn flick. It’s not grand, but it doesn’t suck either.

I recommend “The Tank” to horror fans that need a new movie to check out and are out of ideas. I wouldn’t watch it again, but in my quest to see it all, it was a nice feather in the cap.

Head Count Review

I love a good creature feature, and when presented with an option to watch I jump at the chance. That’s what I was told about “Head Count”. It was supposed to be a creature feature, and when I sat down to watch it, I was treated with something else, and while it may be creative, it definitely was not what I was expecting. In fact, it could very well be one of the worst executions of a film in a long time.

The premise is simple enough at first glance. A group of teens go to the desert for a party, and they begin to drink and have fun. In their fun, something sinister appears, and they can’t figure it out. It turns out that it’s a shapeshifting creature that emulates each one of them, and causes them to attempt suicide. This occurs after a chant is accidentally spoke of, similar to “Candyman”, if you recall that film.

There are no deep connections in this movie. The characters talk a lot, and not in a good way, it just falls flat. The creature is awful CGI and the story is convoluted at best. There are moments of dread, but it falls short of impact because there is something missing here, and I am not sure how to put my finger on it.

Overall, “Head Count” tries to be different. It has some gusto at times, but overall it’s a movie that you can skip. I haven’t seen a movie this bad in a while, and honestly, I don’t know if I’d recommend this to anyone unless you really like bad convoluted horror. It’s got horror elements, it just falls flat.

Eaten Alive Review

The year was 1976 when the movie “Eaten Alive” came out, and it was directed by Tobe Hooper. The movie is a mix of genres, but it is definitely a horror movie. It is a fast moving genre flick that mixes a creature feature with a slasher. It plays with several emotional elements that was easy to get away with at the time, but is definitely hard to watch in modern times. That’s why you have to really consider the time frame, 1976, and try not to apply modern cliché to it.

The plot of the film surrounds a hotel proprietor that is insane, and feeds people to a killer crocodile that lives near the hotel. We are not introduced to him right away, instead we focus on a side character that is played by Robert Englund. He is at a brothel and tries to go too far, that forces what looks to be a main heroine to get banished from brothel. She ends up going to the hotel, and the rest of the movie lies within that location. She goes in, and the proprietor tries to grope, leading to a fight, and away we go, to the crocodile! The crocodile is hidden in the shadows a bit, and you have to remember we are in the 1970s, so there is no CGI or anything that is going to cause this to be too much or anything. Instead, it’s a rubber creature, and it’s laughable at times, but there’s nuance to the cinematography so you don’t dwell too much on it. You also have to contend with the main slasher, Judd, who comes through with a scythe to cause issues. He’s lurking, the crocodile is eating dogs, and people, and you are thrown into the mix as new people come to the hotel.

This is a crude slasher flick, but it has a creature feature element to it. It also has some gratuitous nudity, harsh sexual elements, and redeeming qualities here and there. You’ll be surprised by how far some of the acting goes, and how believable the fights can seem at times. Tobe Hooper’s direction really does well in these sequences, and you really get a good sense of horror and dread throughout. As the movie progresses, we get some taboo moments, including a near killing of a child.

“Eaten Alive” gives you a sense of dread, a bit of creature feature glory with the crocodile, but also hinges on slasher with Judd and the scythe. You are going to find this to be a worthy addition to your collection as it pushes all the buttons of a good horror movie. It’s a slasher at heart, but the crocodile makes it a bit more redeeming, especially in the final act. It’s a good romp, solid acting, and classic Hooper direction. It’s a good one to watch at random, especially for a young Robert Englund.

Pick up Eaten Alive on BLU RAY Here. 

Great White Review

I’m always down to see a creature feature, and while some may argue that this doesn’t count, I argue that it does because we are facing off against mother nature. The movie “Great White” is simple, to the point, and draws you in immediately. The Australian horror movie was released earlier in 2021 and is now available through Shudder as it is an exclusive. We are going to dive into this one, and see whether or not it’s worth your time, especially as we are awash with Christmas horror on the streaming platforms. Could this be worthy of better than other shark movies? Is it going to be as good as Jaws? Let’s take a look at “Great White”, now streaming. 

The first thing that you’re going to notice is that the film’s cinematography is good. It’s an Australian horror movie and it has a decent visual budget to it. The natural splendor is shot nicely, and you really are treated to the wild, giving you a decent sense of adventure overall. If you have an HD tv, of course this is going to show. This seems like a straight to DVD movie, but the cinematography lends itself well to something a bit higher than that bar. 

The plot of the movie is simple, a group of tourists and their guides get stuck when their plane is attacked by a shark. The crew ventures out after they see a dead body wash ashore, which is why their plane is out in the waters to begin with. After the initial search shows up another dead body, the plane sinking, and the characters trying to get away, we are in full throttle survival mode. This becomes a full creature survival horror movie, and the scares are definitely put in with the shark’s motions and biting. 

The movie is slowly paced, has a good deal of horror moments, and is isolated in the way the presentation goes. If you’re a fan of shark movies, then you’ll know what to expect here, and you won’t be surprised by how the filmmakers handle the shark, the attacks, and whether there are survivors or note. It’s not too gorey, it’s not going to trump “Jaws” but “Great White” has a little something to offer most audiences, with a tense score, a tight script, and good overall acting. I didn’t hate it, and feel it’s a welcome addition to creature features, shark movies, and of course horror as a genre. 

“Great White” is now streaming as a Shudder release, at least at the time of this review. 

Underwater Review

Modern horror isn’t always on my radar, no matter how hard I try to stay in the loop, I feel like I’m a few steps behind. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just the truth. “Underwater” is one of those movies that I completely blanked on when it was released, and a lot of people probably didn’t catch it, though it is a tightly wound science fiction horror film. Those that are fans of deep sea movies will find that this has a bit of a twist that is definitely appreciated in horror circles, and while there is some comedic relief, it delivers on a lot of levels, without being too self-aware.

A research facility is rocked when an earthquake hits and destroys a great bit of the structure. That leaves our heroine played by Kristen Stewart and a group of people left behind without damage. It’s up to them to escape the ruins of the facility, but in doing so, they start to encounter something awry. There are creatures that are deep within the sea, and they must fight them off in order to escape and see a new day. With that, there are moments of dread, horror, and a nod to Cthulhu and Deep Ones, as the facility is miles and miles beneath the sea.

The movie has a claustrophobic feel to it. You are thrown into the main issues that the survivors have, and are given little to no backstory. That’s one thing, you get nothing in the way of the past, nor a reason to care about the people involved. If you’re looking for anything regarding the past, you’re not going to find it really, with a few exceptions here and there where you get introduced to family through pictures, found and tried to salvage. The under water sequences, and the suits utilized all have a very closed off feel to them, and the camera cuts cause you to lost a little bit of equilibrium overall.

For the comic relief we have T.J. Miller, and he does a good job of not interjecting too much. The biggest complaint people might have is in regard to Kristen Stewart’s acting. She’s a polarizing actress, and someone that many people will be turned off by in regards to the movie. She’s the star, and goes through the whole movie, so if you’re not a fan, you’re going to have to deal with her for 95 minutes.

As the movie unfolds, there are moments of shock and awe, with a little bit of gore here and there. It’s a fast paced movie that isn’t too long, and really sews up fast. The claustrophobic feel lends itself well to the type of movie it is, but you’re left asking a few questions here and there. By the time you start asking questions, you’ll find that the monsters are well in view, and while there is a lot of CGI to fill the screen, it never becomes so much that it’s laughable. There’s a deep sense of dread found in “Underwater” and an isolation aspect that you are no doubt going to find pairs well with the larger horror of outside monsters. In that regard the movie succeeds, giving you just enough dread to balance out the optimism that the final act presents.

“Underwater” is a fast paced science fiction horror movie. It’s well crafted, dark, and feels good throughout. You’re going to either love it or hate based on the actors involved, but it is definitely a nightmare scenario that gets even worse as the story unfolds. It’s definitely recommended for science fiction and of course horror fans. I just wish it had a little more backstory to the characters, but in a way, that makes it seem more like a television show than a movie, so perhaps it is not needed. I recommend “Underwater”.

"Underwater" is available streaming here, and the blu-ray is scarce, so good luck. 

Santa Jaws Review

And now we present a review by our new contributing writer, Lennie. Enjoy! 

Santa Jaws is coming to town with her eyes all aglow. Listen for the jingling in the water and watch out for her Santa hat situated atop her fin. And yes, this is a real movie. Real money went into making it.

The film opens with an intense fight scene on a dock that starts rather abruptly. I was unsure if I was even at the beginning of the film. A deranged looking Santa Claus has a woman tied up, and our hero is trying to save her. I lost it immediately when he kicked Santa in the jingle bells, and the sound effects were relative to my euphemism. I was more than intrigued at this point, but knew I was in for something very bizarre when I first saw her, Santa Jaws.

Suddenly we are transported to a comic book shop where two young boys are working on their own story. Our lead, Cody, is the artist, and his best friend Steven is the writer of Santa Jaws. We now realize that the opening to the movie was the story the boys were working on. The owner of the shop encourages the kids to keep working on it and invites them to the comic book Christmas Eve party the next night. Cody is sure he won’t be allowed to go, but he has his heart set on it.

With family coming into town and a big Christmas Eve dinner planned, Cody wanted to escape even more. On Christmas Eve morning, Cody’s grandpa, “Papa”, invites him to go fishing with him and promises to sneak him to the Christmas Eve comic book shop party later that night. Before this, Papa gives Cody an early present: a magical pen in an inscribed wooden box. Cody is especially fond of this gift as he realizes he can use it to finish his book. He starts drawing with it right away, unknowingly opening a world of chaos and death.

Without giving too much away, Cody’s family and friends start dying off one by one. The cause of death: Santa Jaws. The magic pen had brought this imaginary creature to life. Cody bands together with his older brother, aunt, best friend, and crush to try to stop the monster he created. When Georgia, Cody’s aunt, is almost attacked, she stabs Santa Jaws in the eye with a candy cane. It seems to be the only thing that has been able to injure her so far. The crew realizes that he can only be hurt by things from his world, the Christmas world. They fashion together multiple weapons wrapped in lights and garland and try to put an end to all of this.

The movie doesn’t have many twists or turns or surprises. The shark is bad CGI, but very festive. And overall, most of the characters are not very likable. However, for a horror Christmas shark tale, this is a win in my book. Don’t expect a masterpiece but expect to be entertained. It is definitely worth a watch during the holiday season.

For those with Amazon Prime, this is available streaming, enjoy! 

Python Review

One of my favorite genres of horror is the horror comedy. When it’s done right, it can be a captivating piece of cinema. Done wrong, and it can be a labor to get through. I first caught “Python” advertised online and didn’t think much of it, so it took me a long time to finally sit down and watch it. This is a made for television movie, that has a small following on dvd. 

An airplane carrying a large box is disrupted when the crew decides to open a crate. That crate holds an enormous monster, but of course we don’t see the monster at first. The opening is tense, I give it that, and then the movie slows down to a crawl, before we start to figure out that there’s an experimental serpent like creature on the loose. Through the course of the film, we are treated to some terrible CGI, and some interesting plot points that have nothing to do with the snake. In fact, the subplot will have you laughing, especially the focus on mountain bike riding. 

William Zabka, Casper Van Dien, Robert Englund, Wil Wheaton, and others cannot save this movie from being a boredom fest for 99 minutes. There are few redeeming factors found in this one, and something that I hate having to say. But why did I watch the whole thing? Curiosity, especially to see the deaths of so many unlikable characters. 

Here’s the thing, “Python” is not a highly recommended film, but it’s a guilty pleasure. Zabka and Englund are my two main reasons to rewatch this one, and the creature is insane, with modern day “creature feature” written all over it. I’ve seen worse. I don’t think a lot of people are going to love this one, but as far as a snake movie, I give it a mediocre rating, three out of five stars. It doesn’t pretend to be more than it is, and it certainly leaves you feeling good at various points, especially with Robert Englund and Zabka doing the heavy lifting.