Yesterday, I gave a shot at hiring a writer to help with the work load that this blog has started to push at me. It was met with a lot of replies, we're talking hundreds. Not one person seemed to have applied for a job before, or at least not a writer's position.
So here's my guidelines for writers, just in case in the future I go through with the hiring, because at this point I'm still cycling through pompous replies and requests to get paid more than I get paid for writing as a freelancer.
1. This is not rottentomatoes.com, it is not making money. We were banned from adsense long ago, and haven't been able to get back. They deemed this site too violent for their ad program. So to request $50 a post is ludicrous and stupid. Not only that, if you "love" horror, and do not exhibit that in your reply, why apply? This site is not for those that just want to make a buck, that's what helium.com is/was for.
2. I explicitly asked people not to send me 20 links to past work. I also asked for suggestions. 1 person gave me a suggestion, and it was so obvious, I nearly fell over. Gosh, I wish I would've thought of something so out of this world.
3. Starting your application with "you misspelled something", is not how you approach a new opportunity.
4. Telling me that you're the greatest content producer ever, and your email address is how you make money with your writing, does not impress. In fact, it puts you at the bottom of the list.
5. Oh, your name is "WRITING AGENCY", nice to meet you, NEXT.
6. "I can write anything!" Really? But I asked for someone that liked horror. "I can review anything!" Well, that's cool, but you aren't going to review for this site, NEXT.
7. Your favorite movie is "Paranormal Activity"? Just because? NEXT!
8. THIS IS NOT A CASH COW, why are you asking for $75,000 a year? WHY?
9. Get my attention in the subject of the email, don't just write "Writer" or the classic "hey". You don't get the job.
10. Oh, you think I'm stupid, you hate me, or you think I'm an ass? Start your own site, do it better than mine, and then shove it in my face. I'll applaud you, and then request to write for you and you can do the same thing I'm doing.
I put my email address here on my page. I also have 700 posts. No one seemed to get past the first post. To all applicants, good luck, but you've proven to me why I do this alone. When I started this site, I did so with passion, and with an idea that I love writing for free. I am willing to pay writers, but not without an exhibition of passion. I do have 1 writer coming on board, but only because they gave me the best response. "Fuck it, I'll do it for free". That's passion.
That's how I started.
I have bills too, I get it.
But I also know an opportunity to help get my name out there, and how to pursue passions. It's how I ended up working for the #1 skate/snow shop in Seattle upon graduating college. Writers out there, STOP being so damn pompous. You're not Stephen King. Neither am I. But I'm the one with the blog, crappy as it is, and you're the one that wanted to write for it.
I know this site is not much in terms of literary prowess. However, it's a labor of love and I thought that maybe there were writers out there to share in this, without the hope of getting rich of what I don't have.
Until then, I am Sir Jorge, and I am still writing and looking for help. Leave the pretense, and bring on the passion for writing and horror. We can work together, but not if you feel that life owes you something. Get out of here.