Monday, April 30, 2012

Rise of the Planet of The Apes Makes You Care About Monkeys

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As a new month approaches, Scary Film Review will start to take some constructive criticism to heart. I will stop just titling things as reviews, and will try my hardest to post more often, and not just recommendations, lists, and things of that nature. Here we go, a new leaf, same design.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes came out to much dismay of yours truly, but it seemed to garner some significant praise from viewers, and after a lot of ducking and dodging, I managed to sit through it and was relatively impressed with how they made it all work. First and foremost, James Franco can really throw you into an emotional loop, and the computer graphics for once made me a believer in technology on film.

The movie starts slow, very slow, as we are taken into a prologue of how the other movies are or were to come. We are thrown into a lab for animal testing, where we see apes being tested, and their reactions. Throughout this process we are amidst science that is not too unlike what we are seeing around the world. Anyone that subscribes to Wired magazine can attest to that. The testing seems cruel, and after a while we get a reference to Congo, as one of the apes becomes a sort of pet to James Franco’s character.

There are always problems when you adopt a monkey as a friend, and we get this true to life “Curious George” style reaction to friendship, and when the monkey strikes a neighbor, the reality of what could happen turns out to be true to life. The story moves into a place where the authorities want to put down the monkey, but instead they move him into a warehouse full of others, and we see evolution play out.

The story moves fast after the initial 1-hour set up. That’s right, you have to wait an hour to set this story to where you’re going to end up. The science fiction elements get out of hand and the apes smarten up, but they don’t smarten up to a comedic standpoint like the first films from the 70’s. We do get that classic line “You damn dirty ape” but it’s not the same.

Overall the story is a bit slow, but when the action sets in, you really get a feel for what’s going on and it is a classic example of how science can really pose a threat to use. The story goes nuts in the third act, and the final act kind of drops the users off a proverbial cliff and you’re left with an opening that could make for a second film, if the producers want to move forward with the trilogy all over again.

I didn’t like the film too much, but it was entertaining enough. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is far better than the last time they tried to remake the film series, and it really does put a lot of drama and human emotion into the process. I didn’t hate it, and I think it will find many fans enjoying it on Blu Ray, as the visuals do deserve a second look. I won’t watch it again, but you animal lovers will love it and maybe even shed a tear like those that liked “War Horse”, which I didn’t.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Top 5 Over Rated Horror Genres

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Horror movies can be amazing, they can be fun, and they are the basis for this blog and has been for four years running. Despite the fact that I’ve written 600 plus articles, I get no respect and I can’t join the damn Tana drinkers…or even get screeners from major companies like some other less knowledgeable blogs that seem to catch all the breaks. For today’s post, I wanted to look at 5 of the most over rated genres in horror, and after much consideration, I have narrowed them down to a specific few that are just tiresome. You might agree, you might disagree, I don’t really care.

5. Vampires – I am absolutely sick of Vampires, and the whole genre. It has been done to death. It’s been the subject of comedy, horror, gore, sex, and so much more, and guess what? 99.99% of Vampire movies suck and I can’t stand them. Sure, there are a few exceptions, but most often than not, you’ve already seen everything there is to see about the genre. Rocko’s Modern Life had it right, Dracula has been done to death and all iterations have been done to absolute oblivion. Despite the fact that HBO and other companies are banking their lives on this genre, I feel that it’s far overdue to be labeled over rated.

4. Zombies – I’m sick of zombies, and you are too. Admit it! Some might be quick to say that they aren’t, but how many times can you see the living get feasted on by the undead. There have been so many movies and sub-movies and remakes on the genre that it has been completely diluted to a terrible waste of my time. Even though I like the latest and greatest from the genre, it’s over rated, and should not be so popular these days. It really is a tired and boring genre at this point, I’m sorry.

3. British Horror – One of the slowest journeys you’re ever going to take in regards to horror fandom is that of the British horror genre. Sure, they have some movies that people swear by, but for the most part, the British like to keep things moving as slow as my last bowel movement. It’s painful, it’s bloody, and it features some of the worst dental work in the industry ever. The few bright spots are outdone by the constant barrage of terrible ideas come to life.

2. Identity Crisis – I hate this tool for plot points. I hate when a character doesn’t know who they are, or is revealed to be dreaming, or is a villain but has manifested themselves into a different stage of mind. I can’t stand when this cop out happens, and it seems to happen all the time with what some call “classics”. If I see this again in film I’m going to smash my head into my computer.

1. Cabins in the Woods – I am sick and tired of having to read, watch, and listen to the cabin that is in the woods some where far away. Camp horror, cabins, isolated places, and so much more seems to be the basis of some of the worst and most over rated movies. Even the latest film that everyone is talking about has a damn cabin in the middle of the woods…or does it? This tired genre is going to get relit every few years and as I type this they are filming a new Sleepaway Camp movie, so there, it’s not so farfetched to be number one on my list.

There you have it folks, the 5 most over rated genres in horror. I’m going to get back to sleep or whatever it is I do when I’m not writing bad reviews for this website.

Friday, April 20, 2012

The Top 5 Time Travel Movies


A while back I wrote a post entitled The Top 5 Worst Time Travel movies ever made, and that was a minor hit. It garnered me some hits here and there, a few comments, and gave me ideas for a future full of awesome movies. Today, instead of a review, I decided to throw up a list of the top 5 Time Travel Movies ever made. This list is of course heavily argued, and brought to life based on my opinion and not the opinion of other blogs that get paid, get free swag, get listed as tana tea drinkers etc. I hate them so much. Anyways, here is my shot at a top 5 for time travel.

5. The Butterfly Effect – A college student finds out he has a gift of traveling through time and changing the past, hopefully the for better. He continues the process only to find that the changes in the past completely derail his future and the future of his love life. He can’t seem to make it all work out, and through it we go through a twisting romp of time travel amusement. This serious film puts a great note to the genre, even if some people like to hate on the star, Ashton Kutcher. I for one love Amy Smart, and wish I had a shot…never mind.

4. The Jacket – A man is tied into a straight jacket then put into a morgue’s chamber, this allows him to travel in time forward. He moves 15 years into the future and creates an alternate story of his beloved, a young girl he meets and befriends. He then travels back to tell his story to the mother of the daughter that he meets long into the future. This sort of interesting take on time travel mixes genres, and the acting is above average. I loved the color saturation in the film, and Brody puts up a stellar performance in Science fiction lore.

3. Timecrimes – This Spanish science fiction film follows a hapless and hopeless protagonist chasing a scary looking man with a red mask. He stumbles into a time warp and ends up repeating his steps over and over, or does he? The film made me think hard at was going on, and when the reveal hit, I was enthralled. I loved the plotting and pacing, and highly recommend this instant classic.

2. Frequency – A detective communicates with people around the world with an old radio set up, and on a fateful night ends up talking to his father, years in the past. He then works with his father to catch a serial killer, and change the future for the better, but not before they have to fight off one hell of a criminal. The movie takes some great twists and turns and really satisfies the genre with some great action and drama all rolled into a tidy science fiction package.



1. Primer – The mother of all time traveling movies for me is not an intense action film. It’s a very cerebral film with a twist, and it has a great deal of science behind it. The independent film focuses on a few friends and what they want to do with time travel, meanwhile they are trying to explain the process through the course of the film. Think Clerks in time, with less vulgarity and slacker mentalities. Primer is one of the more educated examples of science fiction done right, without having to resort to spaceships and comedic performances.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Nude Nuns with Big Guns Review

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If you have been following my website for some time, you know that I love exploitation cinema, and of course the genre of Nunsploitation. When the two meet it is a marvelous thing, and when the modern era of movies seem to appoint themselves to making another film with the premise of revenge, nudity, and more, I’m in. That’s why I had to jump at the chance to see the film Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Now, before I move forward, I must say that this film is not for everyone. There is a lot of nudity, a lot of violence, and several, well, rape scenes for lack of a better turn. If you’re offended by the nunsploitation genre, this one is going to really make you mad as they do a lot of piss you off.

The film is about a nun that is abused and beat up by priests that are working in the drug trade. When she is nearly killed in a trade, she is placed in the hands of a brothel and is pimped out and drugged. Take the ideas that you usually get with these types of movies, and put in a “nun” and you have the premise and beginning quite easily met. When she escapes, with the help of one of her captor’s helpers, she begins a rampage of killing all the members of the Catholic Church that did her wrong. But she doesn’t just do that, she makes sure to have a little lesbian sex with another nun that she’s sweet on.

She takes her mission from God seriously, and we get to see several stages of throw down with some sick weapons. Anyone that is involved with the biker gang that the church is trading with, and priests all get it. There isn’t much more to t his film than blasting bullets, nude scenes, and references to the Lord. It’s really a twisted romp through the world of revenge cinema with the guise of nuns and boy are they hot. If you’re into this genre, this is going to be met with open arms, otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend watching this film. The film is really harsh, features a lot of sick and twisted moments, and is right up the alley of horror fans that already like the genre. This is a perfect companion to any type of grindhouse film fest you’re throwing. I loved Nude Nuns with Big Guns, even though it wasn’t the right choice for a “date’ night at all.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Top 5 Fan Favorite Horror Movies

Basket Case 3

Horror movies are a delicate topic, especially when you have to talk about things such as rape, strangling, and other things that happen in film that really aren’t for everybody. I’ve been banned from some venues, and advertisers have pulled their ads because I refuse to censor my viewing habits or anything along those lines. I have been writing this site for quite sometime, and despite the fact that I only have around 5 or 6 readers, I still continue to move forward. One thing that has gotten my attention is the fact that there are 5 fan favorite horror movies that get the most attention on this website. I’ve posed over 600 reviews, and despite all t hose posts, these 5 films are the number one draws. They continue to get publicity, and while no one comments on them, they still get a lot of hits.

Here are top 5 fan favorite horror movies as per the Scary Film Review Website logs:

5. Chaos – Chaos takes Wes Craven’s notion of sickness and slasher horror from the 80’s and makes it completely extreme. You will not see a more brutal film that has been released in the United States before or after this one. This film features one of the worst examples of violence on women ever seen, but still manages to have a sense of interesting story. It’s not a gorefest, even though it’s sick and twisted. I feel that it tops Craven and tops most other revenge flicks by ten fold. Too bad more people haven’t seen it.

4. Lifeforce – Space vampires and a video game? This is an amazing piece of film making and Tobe Hooper doesn’t get enough credit. I’m not sure why everyone seems to find it on my site, but I’m glad they do. Space and vampires done quite well is hard to imagine, but it’s done here with such valor that you’ll never see this film on regular tv, there’s just too much nudity. It’s well worth checking out.

3. Pinocchio’s Revenge – This movie is a hard reality about how a Disney and fairy tale idea can get terribly twisted. I liked the Simpsons notion far better, but this one takes it to an all new murderous page. You probably haven’t seen this one, but it’s worth checking out for sure.

2. Ted Bundy – Ted Bundy is an insane romp with a legit scary part of history. This film is sick, only because it’s true to life in many ways. Ted Bundy is an insane killer and wow, perfect subject matter for the Slasher genre, and it’s hard to balance the two. Some of it is in fact fictional, but still, it’s rapidly true in many ways.

1. Basket Case 3 – This film is the third installment in the Basket Case series and quite possibly the most sought after. It’s sick, twisted, and just extreme. The first was awesome, the second was laughable, but this one? Wow, gore and oddities are taken to the utmost degree. You’ll find it humorous and boring, but it will be worth your time.

So there you have it, you have 5 favorites on this blog. You gotta check them out, and possibly buy a dvd.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Human Centipede Review


I don’t know why I take so long to review major movies, but it just happens. I guess that’s the good thing about owning a blog of your own, you get to decide whatever you write and the schedule as well. This independent film had a lot of critics talking, and most people thought the idea was horrendous and sick. I found it quite fascinating, and found the best thing to do is just watch and see how it all plays out, and I for one was disgusted, but at the same time, enjoyed the cycle of torture that comes through in this pseudo science fiction film. What am I talking about? The #1 requested film, The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

The film has been given all sorts of media coverage, and by this point; you already know what the film is about. A mad scientist tries to create a centipede like creature out of humans, and he attacks at will. We first get introduced the main villain through a stop truck killing, and we move forward with two young ladies trapped by the vices of European travel. Mix a little “Hostel” with “High Tension” and you get the feeling that something is going to go seriously wrong for these two American sounding ladies.

The film moves fast through the scenarios, and by the time we get to the actual science, it sounds real and fascinating. The marketing said that this film was 100% medically accurate, which is just a marketing ploy that we used to see often in the 1980’s. The movie gets sick when the two women are placed face to ass and are fed through fecal matter of the first person’s body. The film pulls punches, it doesn’t let you see the actual surgeries and for the most part there’s a lot of make up to cover up what would otherwise be the sickest thing you’ve probably ever seen.

You get sick nudity, and you get some very disturbing images, but you don’t get the gore that you probably thought was involved with making a film of this type. There is a bit of comedic unbalance by the time you watch it, if you haven’t seen it yet, and you really start to wonder what all the hype was all about. Sure there are some sick points, but you have to really use your imagination to get there, otherwise you’re going to be flooded with the notions that were presented by Tosh.0 and South Park, rather than accepting the film as it is shown. I wouldn’t recommend The Human Centipede, it’s not something that you’re really missing, but then again, there’s a trilogy afoot, so maybe you should start our quest with this first release.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The End of the Month Deathtoll March 2012

Here are links from March 2012!

The Girl Next Door Review
The Girl With The Dragon tattoo and The Mortician ...
Creepshow 2 Review
The Slumber Party Massacre Review
Scary Film on Facebook
They Came From Beyond Space Full Free Sci Fi Movie...
Top 5 Non Scary Ghost Movies
Poker and Such
Straw Dogs remake Review
Screeners, Free Stuff, and More
From A Whisper To A Scream Review
Leprechaun In The Hood Review
A Line Up of Horror For Halloween and Beyond
Horror Links From February 2012